If you live in the world of pop culture and fashion, you know all too well that the green suede Puma creepers by Rihanna are the new holy grail.
And you’ve been anxiously awaiting May 26, when they were scheduled to go on sale.
I discussed the challenge of obtaining them with friends online, and we braced ourselves for the effort. And the probability of disappointment: Rihanna’s shoes sell out in the blink of an eye, leaving a global trail of broken hearts and frantic eBay searches.
I missed out on the pink creepers and it was a bitter loss. It still hurts. It will hurt forever.
So I discussed my plan with my husband, and we both logged on to the Puma website at midnight eastern time, thinking how smart we were. After a long period of nothingness, I called customer service, who said they would be available at 7: a.m.
Now, here comes the love part.
My husband knows I can’t get up before noon except for catastrophes. So he set his alarm and tried to buy the shoes for nearly an hour before giving up. Every time my size seemed to appear, he clicked on them and got “SOLD OUT.”
Later, he told some friends about the ordeal, and no one could understand my fixation on the shoes. Apparently, they associated my behavior with “young people.”
Hey, fuck them! 62 is the new forty, and forty is like 25, and at my core I am still 14, stubborn, angry, and style-obsessed.
When I finally got out of bed, I scoured the internet for the green creepers, and using a list of the Top Ten sneaker sites, found a pair at a store in Texas. I figured it was some kind of mistake, even after I paid for them.
But tonight I’m wearing them, and obviously they did nothing to change my life or even dull my greed for more pointless consumer goods. The high is in scoring, I guess, like opiates. Rather than ‘happy,’ I’d say I’m relieved.
I do feel lucky to have my husband. He always has my back. He is my everything.
And I’ve just tried to pick a fight on Twitter with some writer on Bustle who’s gloating about scoring two pairs and describes them as “illusive.”
Congratulations! I can’t name a single Rihanna song, but I’m pretty sure she’s a singer who was beaten by her boyfriend, who’s a rapper. If she actually has anything to do with the design of those creepers, she must be somewhat talented. Remember that day at Fred Segal when I found that ‘illusive’ Levi’s X Opening Ceremony patchwork jacket? I’m pretty sure the rapper who beat up Rihanna owned one of them and that’s why it was ‘illusive.’ After I bought it, I decided it was age-inappropriate and I sold it on Ebay. I’m an idiot. I should have just kept it as an art object. Last night, I swear, I had a dream about it.
Age appropriate is really going to be a problem. Do we need to wear golfing attire or what? A house-dress? Riri has the best style, wears up and coming designers no one has heard about, and knows how to make everything look cool. Her ex has a legendary sneaker collection and should just die.