How Dare I Keep Going

All my devoted trolls are demanding that I go away and mourn. But the problem is, there’s no way to implement this. Mourning isn’t a thing you do in a black dress. Maybe they want me to spend all day at a cemetery. But it doesn’t matter where I am, it’s all the same barren place, a place I’d rather not be.

I am going through the motions, because that’s all I know how to do. I could take to my bed and never get up again. I’m not ruling that out. It just seems unfair to my family. I don’t know how to have a nervous breakdown or I’d gladly have one.

I don’t want to “recover” because mothers who bounce back after the death of a child seem despicable. How could anyone “move forward” after this? What would be the point?

I don’t know what to do besides cry or distract myself.   I’m still waiting for him to come back. When he does, I’ll try not to scold him for putting us through this. Meanwhile, I have to pick out a grave marker and then try to pay for it.

I started blogging as a way to express myself. Now, it’s a way to escape myself.

If one more moron whines about my “negativity” or complains that I “hate on” people, I’m going to lose my fucking temper. You can’t hate “on” people. But I might have to learn how.

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80 Responses to How Dare I Keep Going

  1. Cricket9 says:

    hee hee, the-troll-that-shall-not-be-named is back! What’s with your stab at Janeane Garofalo and the eternally important subject of pubic hair or lack of it, achieved by shaving, waxing and other means? What the hell do you have down there that you are so fixated – a MATTRESS? On the second thought, I don’t want to know, please don’t tell me. I promise not to visit your blog eve, ever again. Not much of a loss anyway…

  2. Cricket9 says:

    Here, SW, a shoes to cheer you up. You can have them for only eight hundred something:
    You could wear them if you’d ever want to be a percheron.

  3. jd says:

    Oh Sister Wolf. I will never know the pain you are in, and thankfully neither will most people. Fuck those assholes who think they have the right to say a word. Just shut the fuck up. There is nothing that can be said to make it easier for you, but I could assist in supplying a long list of random things to hate. Or has hating been outlawed?

    I fucking love your blog – I was pretty much ‘done’ with the internet, and then I found you – ‘YES!’ I thought, ‘ a person with a brain and actual thoughts and opinions still exists in this world!’. I had been that arrogant to think I was the only one left. I might not always completely agree but I love that you have strong opinions and are not afraid to express them. SO glad to see there are more where you came from – I love your readers too (ehhhh most of them). You all have renewed my faith in humanity – yeah, you heard me, trolls! Eat shit you simpering fucking robots!

  4. Kapaali says:

    SW, I like it that you’re negative. I, too, am negative, and I like to see that there are other anti-Pollyannas out there. It makes me feel not-so-alone with my utter vitriol.

  5. Rebekah says:

    If you didn’t “hate on” some truly deserving people then I would never know the joy of Sea of Shoes and thigh girl. They have brought me a lot of happiness because..well dumb people make me laugh. I may not have $800.00 to spend on a pair of ugly shoes but I have the sense not to. That is worth a hell of a lot more then 800 bucks. Keep on keepin on, keep doing what you need to do. A well deserved middle finger to anyone wagging one at you telling you the “proper” way to grieve.

  6. editor says:

    wait, you’re negative? all this time i thought you were just being honest.

  7. a mother never stops grieving for a child.

    we have a moron in the church that wants a certain mother to stop going and visiting her child at the cemetery. It’s been a year and the poor grieving mother of course still does the same thing over and over again not forget her child, like putting all her son’s photos and memorabilia on one room of the house. One day this righteous church moron talked to her and told her that her way of grieving her child is a another form of “worship”, like turning her son into a god. How stupid is that? SHUT UP moron!

    it doesn’t matter how long it takes, we all grieve in a different way. All we can do, is shut it and let the person do her own healing.

    I lost my cousin on cancer last year. We’re same age, went to same school and we’re very close. I can’t believe she’s gone. Every time i visit her mom, I can still feel the lost of that home. It will never go away.

    On being negative… truth is i hate SUPER positive people. It’s just not true. And it’s annoying. Like stupid annoying. Those people just have no balls to express want they really think. And Boooooring.

    i love you sister wolf. you are good.

  8. am not negative. just pure honest opinion.

  9. Jazmin says:

    Fuck them. Really. I’ve been appalled by those trolls since your son passed away. I had started to read your blog about a month before that, maybe sooner, but, I fell in love with you and the way you write. You are clearly not the harpy they are trying to make you out to be.
    Keep on keeping on Sister Wolf. You do whatever the fuck you want. No apologies. No one should dictate your grieving process whatever that may be.


  10. Jazmin says:

    Oh, and I meant to add, I hope you have a totally cute day!

  11. Sister Wolf says:

    Jazmin – Hahahaha! I haven’t had a good day but tomorrow I’m going to have a cute one, no matter what.

  12. Sister Wolf says:

    I wasn’t really trying to say “Boo Hoo for me!” but trying instead to speak from my heart. I see that some trolls waited to attack at a moment when I seemed defenseless. That shit I think I understand.

    What I don’t get is the Go Away and Grieve sentiment. It’s like, there’s a special hut where a person is banished by the villagers…go grieve there, and shut up about everything else.

    My hut is anywhere I say it is. That’s what I’m taking away from this discussion. xoxo

  13. carmencatalina says:

    I don’t understand this idea of “go away and grieve” at all. Everywhere you are, there is your grief. You can’t escape grief no matter what you do (it chases you down).

    So ignore the creeps and stay here with us.

  14. Michelle says:

    carol has finally been let out of the basement to help make food for sea and her hipster friends. as if hipsters eat.
    oh sister wolf. you can totally do whatever you want, no matter what these awful people say. can’t they see that the same rules don’t apply to someone who’s going through what you’re going through? whatever helps you cope, whether it’s giving up blogging or blogging more or hating on sea, it’s completely acceptable.

  15. hug. you. now.

    if people are uncomfortable with the way you are “handling” the death of your child, besides fucking off they should also stop reading your blog.

  16. Angelica says:

    “we have a moron in the church that wants a certain mother to stop going and visiting her child at the cemetery. It’s been a year and the poor grieving mother of course still does the same thing over and over again not forget her child, like putting all her son’s photos and memorabilia on one room of the house. One day this righteous church moron talked to her and told her that her way of grieving her child is a another form of “worship”, like turning her son into a god. How stupid is that? SHUT UP moron!”

    wow…if I were that mother, I would have beat the living CRAP out of that woman (knocked her straight to hell and back). She wouldn’t even have known what hit her. Just reading that makes me wanna punch something.

    Some people just suck. Anyone who questions you can go fuck themselves because they obviously will never get it. Also all these people who whine on about “negativity” are a bunch of fucking pussies…it’s just a blog for God’s sake. This blog isn’t even that “negative,” it’s just calling out other peoples’ bullshit. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it (and there probably isn’t a better somebody than SW to do it)….

  17. Aja says:

    Your hut is here. Grieve away. And like many others, I’m happy you’re around. xo.

  18. *gemmifer* says:

    Do what you need to do, and screw those who judge you!

  19. Suebob says:

    There is something beautiful about a mourning, rageful mother because she is someone who has no fear anymore. The shittiest shit of all shits has ALREADY HAPPENED, BITCHES – you think she is afraid of your puny nuclear bomb? She LAUGHS at your little explosive. She laughs at your torture, your pitiful plans. She is the unholy one, the dark mother, the unhinged one, Demeter, who will search the underworld for her lost child.

  20. Kim says:

    Haters gon’ hate, but please don’t stop the hatin, Sister. I don’t mean to be a creep, but you’re in my thoughts a lot — do what you need to do, and stay strong. xx

  21. dust says:

    Trolls are like farts.
    Stay with us Sister, stay strong.
    All my love…

  22. sarah.p says:

    Your courage has always astounded me. It continues to do so.


  23. Sister Wolf says:

    Suebob, you are so right. Nothing scares me. There’s no worse thing to fear.

  24. Zoe says:

    I am so glad you carry on blogging to distract yourself! my days would be a lot less fun without reading your rants! shutting yourself off from the world never does anyone good, those people obviously don’t know a thing about feelings

  25. I don’t understand the “go away and grieve” idea either. Where are you supposed to go? And what do you do when you get there? Escapism and distraction are essential in order not to go completely fucking nuts, I know. Besides that, your writing is brilliant and insightful. Don’t ever change.

  26. Jordan says:

    I have been lurking your excellent blog for a good while now. And although I am a first time commenter my heart went out to you when you posted that Max had died.

    Having said that,
    please do not stop being angry. Please do not stop being passionate about pointing out idiotic, useless assholes who take up useful bandwith for other more interesting subjects. Please don’t stop using this blog as a method of trying to cope. I think you are an amazingly strong woman, and I wish you all the best that is realistically possible.

  27. Eline says:

    Hey, I kind of get what you’re going through. I lost my brother when I was 13, so I’ve seen what you’re going through. But fact of the matter is, everyone mourns differently and no one ever has the right to call anyone out for not mourning “properly”. My mother herself used to call me out for that and it was extremely hurtful. So reading this pisses me off to no end. Also, no matter what, keeping busy is a good thing in times like these, especially venting your anger as such. And especially even writing about this in such a public space. I admire you for writing how it is/feels like/etc. I’ve never been able to do that, and I don’t know if I ever will.

  28. PeaceBwithU says:

    How can any of us know your pain unless of course one has experience it. My daughter is living at home again for the summer she has been away at school (choosing to stay on during the summers) until this year… I can not tell you how much I am enjoying it and try desperately to hold onto every minute. You have made me even more aware of how precious ones children are.

    So with that said feel free to mourn away it is your RIGHT!!!!

  29. TheBadKate says:

    I think, if I was reading my cultural anthropology correctly, that “go away and grieve” is really more of a superstitious protection for the rest of the tribe.

    Grief is powerful, and it’s a frightening reminder that we may all lose a loved one at any moment. Not to mention, your loss might be contagious (this particularly applied to mothers, though more so to mothers of babies who died; they were often thought to be able to give the evil eye or cast witchery on mothers with living babies).

    So all your trolls and commenters are merely obeying their primeval instincts.

    Anyway. Are there rules for grief? My friend’s mother lost a child at six months from a congenital lung defect; if he’d lived, he’d be 26 now. That baby is still part of their family, in some way. They still talk about him, and if you ask my friend, he says that there are four children in his family, and one died at six months; the dead boy is still my friend’s brother. It’s not as weird as it sounds. There are no preserved dusty bassinets in shut-up rooms, or anything – but if the topic comes up, that family acknowledges, that they had another baby, and they loved him, and he’s gone.

    What business is it of mine or anyone else’s if you do what you need to do to get through a loss that no one else is going to suffer in exactly the same way?

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