I Love Your Tan Lines?!


Jesus, enough with the public confessions!

Watching the latest apology on TV tonight has been torture. Governor Mark Sanford has got to be the stupidest idiot who ever had an extra-marital affair, going on about it for a full twenty minute press conference.   He really gives politicians a bad name with this kind of behavior. I was so embarrassed for him, I had to cover my face!   He looked like he wanted to relive the entire thing on camera, even though he began by offering an apology to his wife and 4 “precious” sons.

“I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light – but hey, that would be going into sexual details…”

UGH!   God, sickening.

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times: DO NOT CONFESS! Even if your spouse finds you in bed with someone, deny it! Bill Clinton tried to do the decent thing and lie, but no, that wasn’t okay with Ken Starr.

Let’s say you know you’re not good at lying but you’re going to have an affair. Do everyone a favor and dispense with the immature email! I know Mrs. Sanford would rather find correspondence that got straight to the point.   “It was great to fuck you, can’t wait to do it again!” would be so much easier t live with.

Those family values types are the worst, aren’t they? Maybe they enjoy the confessing part more than the sex part. If only they could either avoid getting caught or shut the hell up.

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20 Responses to I Love Your Tan Lines?!

  1. crocodilian says:

    I know this isn’t the “right” reaction for me to have, but:

    The thought of Mark Sanford gently kissing someone and admiring her tan lines is far, far less painful and traumatizing than the mental pictures seared into my innocent brain by – for instance – the David Vitter scandal (basically this, but more naked: http://neworleans.metblogs.com/files/2009/05/vittersupergoofy.jpg) or the exploits of Dick “Toe Sucker” Morris.

  2. crocodilian says:

    (sorry about that spacing issue above… not sure what happened, but I assume my computer was equally sickened)

  3. Charlotte K says:

    yes, you are right, and I couldn’t watch the man at all, but oh what a joyful day it is in the world when one of these evil family values dudes bites the dust, which he has, I hope!!! And having been once a resident of S.Carolina myself, where the fundamentalist churches outnumber the residents it seems sometimes, the joy is even sweeter…

  4. Lauren says:

    Repressed Republican syndrome–the entire state suffers from this. Don’t forget Strom. This is really embarrassing, but I AM a South Carolina native…and as Charlotte K. said, the joy IS even sweeter!!!!!

  5. Repressive morality seems to lead to deviant behavior. Perhaps there should be a law that it is illegal to be a lying hypocrite.;-)

  6. ashley says:

    Your tags make me feel all warm and joyful! Lies, Republicans, Stupid Morons! My new mantra!

  7. David Duff says:

    I think the dear old ‘Duke of Boot’ had it right, as you would expect from a Waterloo veteran, when approached by a hack with details of one of his many affairs he replied “Publish and be damned!”

  8. I’m most baffled by his propensity for digging holes in his backyard with an excavator to relax.

  9. Juri says:

    “Two magnificent parts of yourself” …OooOooh, stop it, you smooth talking son of a gun, you’re making me blush. And if you say “do you come here often” and/or “great legs, what time do they open”, I swear I’ll jizz my pants.

    I couldn’t agree more about confessing!! At least he didn’t drag his wife to the press conference and make her “stand by him” (and his bible quotes) like Spitzer.

    This is the one that went hiking, right? What a fucking pussy. He should have insisted he got lost on the Appalachian Trail, after eating some strange berries, and suddenly found himself in Argentina, where his dick accidentally slipped into that foreign woman, miss something, with whom he did not have sexual relations. Someone should teach these people how to lie.

  10. Aja says:

    Sometimes I just want to shake republicans so hard and shout “if you just minded your own goddamn business and stopped trying to tell everyone how to live their lives, maybe we wouldn’t all laugh so hard when you end up with egg on your face”. I still don’t think they’d listen.

  11. I haven’t got a clue who he is but by god your politicans are a randy bunch – do they hump anything that moves. Ours are just a bunch of expense fidldling idiots who care more for ducks and silk cushions than sex or doing the work of Parliament!

  12. HelOnWheels says:

    It’s a good thing English is a second language for his mistress; if she knew how really awful those emails are she never would have had sex with him again.

  13. JK says:

    Film surfaced Governor Sanford purporting to show and Oxy Limbaugh doing “the moonwalk.”

  14. JK says:


    Tou know what surfaced. Who is moonwalking.

    Fucking late breaking news reports.

  15. Mark says:

    Bill O’Reilly and the loofa: way sicker than anything ever. Except for maybe Ann Coulter doing anything.

  16. JK says:

    Mark, I have to admit you’ve got the “Big-O’ thing pat. Coulter a bit. I actually like her legs (well that and she’s skinny) my only problem with her was her insisting some years ago on a televised interview that Canada had supplied troops to Viet Nam.

    I continued to watch her – albeit with the sound on “mute.”

    Anyway, avoiding the “breaking news” things (which I usually submit prior to submitting to the proofreading department) I’ve found “The Woman of the Tan Lines.” While I can’t give any opinion as to the “Tan Lines” I would only ask Sister Wolf her esteemed advice/opinion on “eye-brow plucking?


  17. Sister Wolf says:

    crocodilian – Oh dear. Give your computer a hug from me.

    Charlotte K – If only Arnold would implode like that!

    Lauren – YAY!

    Jill- gagging sound

    La Balette Rouge – Not enough prison space.

    ashley – You’re right! Now I feel good too!

    HelOnWHeels – I’m thinking that she herself is no genius.


    Mark – Oh god, jesus, the loofah.

    JK – Oh my! You don’t like the brows? I think she has a Jennifer Connelly thing going on there. I’m not ready to throw away my family for her, though.

    Aja – They really are beyond reasoning with. They are busy with all that praying and adultery and everything.

    Make do- Well, yours USED to be good at at. And they still like to dress up like Nazis, right?

    Iheartfashion – Hahahahahaha!

    David – Oh, you’re just feeling superior because your secret email to Argentina is so erudite and classy.

    Juri – What a fucking pussy is right. Are you going to TM that??

  18. Juri says:

    SW – I tried but they laughed me out of the TM office and said it is way too close to What a Fucking Cunt TM. The Bastards.

  19. rock on! This is a great blog and I couldn’t have said it better!

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