I’m having a big fight with my sister but I don’t have to worry about her reading this because the fight was about her refusal to read my blog.
I don’t feel she’s obliged to read my blog. I’m just fascinated by her militant stance about not reading it. A couple of years ago, I realized that she hadn’t read something I thought she would enjoy, and asked why she didn’t read it.
She said, “I already know you in real life. So I don’t need to read it!” She sounded really annoyed. My husband still thinks this is funny, and he likes to say stuff like, “Did Bob Dylan’s brother say that, when Bob wanted to play him a song?”
So, I’m not Bob Dylan, but it might be a useful analogy because it implies an inexplicable resistance and an absurd excuse for it.
But, unbelievably, it came up again last week when my sister wanted to list words we hate, and I said, “Oh, guess what, I just wrote a thing about that on my blog! Go look, it’s a great list.”
God I am stupid.
She wouldn’t look and said derisively, “I didn’t realize I had to read it NOW.” Reflexively, I asked, “Can you tell me again why you have this fatwa against reading my shit?”
This was texting, by the way. She changed the subject, leaving my question hanging there. Now I really wanted an answer, not least because she was withholding one. I kept repeating the question, and she would write back, “I have a stomach ache.” “I need to lie down.” I asked, “Please just finish this sentence: I will not read my sister’s blog because”.
Now she texted, “Please stop”. It reminded me of that Beverly Hills housewife who winds up a fellow housewife and then shrieks, “Staahp!”
I wouldn’t stop. I called her passive aggressive. Eventually, she announces that she received an email from a family member, that was about me. I didn’t believe this for a moment, so I asked to see it. She said, No, I don’t have to show it to you.
I called her and offered her $500 to show the nonexistent email to me. When she refused, I offered $1,000, and she still refused! Now I was laughing hysterically. I called her a pathological liar and advised getting professional help.
So we aren’t talking. I could apologize for insisting on a question she was not equipped to answer. We could go back to our close relationship, and wait for the next bitter conflict.
I wish I could stop trying to get answers from people! No matter how badly you want one, no matter how desperately you try to get one, there is only silence. Or a lie about an email. Or a defensive complaint about being expected to just be honest. People want to be how they are without having to justify behavior. Fair enough. Or not?
Most of the time, I know the answer but just want the person to acknowledge it. Then it becomes a harangue and oops, you are a monster because you won’t give up. In my heart, I believe that I’m willing to answer any question to the best of my ability. It is a feather in my fucking cap. Just try me!
But. A couple of weeks ago, I had a big fight with my wonderful husband (who will read this) when he referred to my hair as “brown.” I flew into a rage and demanded that he call it “blonde.” When he punted, I ran around the house going “BROWN? Brown! Really??”
I have been inside my house for way too long now. It’s too much. My three modes are boredom, anxiety, or wondering if I’m actually dead already. Actually no, that’s a lie, there is “TV Time” in the evening, when we smoke some weed and I enter the reality of Our Shows. If Netflix isn’t the only thing preventing the complete collapse of civilization, I will eat my hat, and yours too.
Yes it’s happening to me. It’s happening to a lot of us. We’re lucky to be able to stay safe and isolated but frigging ISOLATED. I’m also having problems with family relationships, now conducted only via text or phone or email, occasionally zoom. Best wishes to you, hope you and your sister can be friends again sometime this bleak era.
Seems like someone (your sister) has to feel like she has some power over you. Also, if she’s smart, she can see that you’re an amazing writer and perhaps she’s jealous–and this fuels her need for power. This, of course, is based on my 16 units of undergraduate psychology classes, late teen years of watching Oprah, and decades of therapy. These sibling dynamics are pretty much set in stone but perhaps moving towards a reconciliation with her insecurities in mind is in order.
Also, I’m on steroids and triptans for my migraines, more Celexa than ever, a hormone for my prostate, and Klonopin, so I’m feeling pretty insane now. But at least the NRA lost the Senate!
Love,
Mark-E
Ha ha, I keep asking myself, “When did you die? How did this happen? Are you dead?”
And then I go online and insult people and prove that I am alive after all.
Well I’ve been labeled bi-polar in the past by family members because of my frustration when faced with the brick wall or the wild animal backed into a corner because I want an answer, a justification, a reason, a defense of some action or words. I like to believe I’m honest about who I am, but surely not always, only in my fantasy me of sterling character. I still believe we should be able to justify our words, explain ourselves, or just not say it in the first place. I try….and try. My son respected people’s boundaries and would not behave as I have so I try to remember that when faced with pablum and white lies. Is this relevant or am I off base? As usual, thanks for sharing you.
one if my sisters and I have been in a rollercoaster battle for 35 years! I’m younger, and when I came home from New York after a disastrous relationship I owned nothing. When I got back on my feet two years later I moved. My mother said I could take a few odd pieces of furniture from the house and garage. Garage! Ever since then it’s been a competition! My parents were generous to both of us when needed. My sister was a big shot at a bank! Anyway, our latest stand off for five years have revolved around Trump and religion. The Catholic Church is one of several cults she has embraced, but with her second husband it is the only thing. That and Trump. I don’t really care why. There’s little discussion and much hanging up the phone. Sisters fight.
I’m 53 and an only child, however, my cousins and extended family relationships have been destroyed by of all things Facebook. Its so dumb I hate to even share it, but when one demanded I “unfriend” an unpopular relative and I refused mostly because I don’t like being controlled… Then the unpopular relative would interact and comment causing the others to not only unfriend, but block and cease communications. including the one cousin that was “sisterlike” to me. Haven’t talked to her in 6 years now. Whatever.
Your sister is one jealous bitch.
I read your post about your sister not wanting to read your column. I have a sister who is a journalist. I do not always read what she writes and have in the past accused her of not writing letters but writing stories. I have complained that I can’t have a conversation with her. Everything is an interview. I can’t just talk to her. Everything is followed with more questions. Yes, she is asking questions just to ask questions. I don’t see asking questions as interest. I see it as she questions everything I say. I see it as her challenging me.
I would guess that your sister thinks she should not have to read in a column how you are doing or what you are thinking. She may be resenting being relegated to outsider when she thinks she should be an insider. She may feel that reading your column is pushing her from a close sister to a stranger.
Hope this helps.
Deb in Nashville – Thank you for your insight, I’m really going to think about this!!!!
Mary Liz – I hope things get better for us!
Marl-E – Thank you Mark-E, good advice. The meds game is just off the charts, isn’t it??
Romeo – Yes. We are dead as door-nails.
Jeri – Thank you, yes, relevant. If I tried to be like Max, I’d definitely be a better person.
Deborah – Oh god, it’s so awful.
Pocketsound – Yes, Facebook is a war zone!
Miranda – Well, she is so jealous! But not more of a bitch than I am.