Most people know at this point in social etiquette not to bark, “Cheer up!” at people who aren’t showing their back molars in a smile. Thank god that’s pretty much a thing of the past. I remember strangers informing me, even as a kid, “Things aren’t THAT bad!” as they walked past me.
But many people do find it difficult to be in the presence of sadness, not to mention grief.
Not long ago, a family member came over to visit, and was moved to share with me their wish that I could be less sad. I have so much going for me, after all!
It was a wish born of compassion. But still. Feeling aggressive, I leaned toward them and said, “Until you have seen your child in a body bag, you cannot understand what it’s like. You just can’t.” I know what a brutal thing this is to say aloud. But at times, I want to make it a teachable moment.
They were taken aback, but rephrased the sentiment to something like, “Yes, but you have to go on living.”
Humans of Earth, AREN’T I ALIVE? How alive do I have to be before you can deal with me? I walk and talk, I put on lipstick, I go to the grocery store, I walk down the street, you know?
Do I have to go on a fucking world cruise or Dancing With the Stars or what?
When I moved to my new community nearly five years ago, I was thrilled to make a new friend: An intelligent, vibrant mother of two who was funny and well-read. The perfect friend, I thought. As it turned out, she started avoiding me. When I finally pressed for a reason, she texted that I was too sad for her.
Even though all she talked about what the sexual assault of her daughter and how much she hated men. I was devastated, but I lived to tell. I’ve chalked it up to Her Problem, Not Mine, as one does.
I’m okay with being sad. Just let me be sad. I am Sad Girl. I am trying to use my sadness as an instrument for good. I’m an excellent listener, if you’re sad too. I try to turn my sadness into art, when I can.
I just read a review of a new Nick Cave album, in which the writer notes about the death of Cave’s teenage son, in 2015:
He has not put the grief behind him; he has learned from its presence.
OF COURSE he has not put the grief “behind him” for fucksake, it has only been four years, Jesus Christ. When can this kind of thinking end?
Most people never even get over a divorce, let alone such an elemental loss.
People need to be allowed to exhibit an entire range of emotions, as long as they don’t do it while driving. Let people be sad, worried, negative, silly, anxious, inquisitive, grumpy and hopeless if they want to be. Unless they ask for your help or your diagnosis, just try to accept this rich tapestry of human behavior.
Here’s a study that might convince you.
When my son died, I realized some things: I had changed completely and permanently from his death. By accepting that I’d changed, I waved good bye to whomever I was and that was fine by me. Another thing was that there was always a parade of stupid around me. I finally accepted that as well and have successfully ended a few relationships that did nothing for me. The people that went through the experience with me know me and accept me for who I was and who I am now… “put the grief behind him”- said the person who’d never buried their own child.
Thanks Sis. A post like this from you, makes this sad girl less sad.
kate – Yes, yep. I’m so sorry. Thank you for understanding. xo
mary – That is great to hear! That’s how this is supposed to work! xo
I’m glad you inserted “grumpy” into your list of permitted feelings, it almost cheered me up!
Holly shit girl friend, you should see my art work! Which I do to help myself from going crazy! I’ve been accused of being too sad and morbid to even be friends with… my last so called boyfriend was too uncomfortable to spend more than ten minutes in my house. I feel your sadness and it’s welcome here.
Big love
LiZa
I’m sorry that we live so far away from each other….
As a person who has done little in life, but to be forced to deal with loss, I understand somewhat your struggle. And also as to wether or not I am “sad and depressed” or realistic.
Because we cant put on a fake happy face to appease others, they are uncomfortable. And that isnt something I feel like I have to do anymore. I cant fake happy, so that you remain undisturbed in your life. I dont have that energy available to me. I need it all to try to live my daily life.
So I have to be me, and you have to be you. And we continue on. Until we cant.
Which is all anyone can reasonably expect-right?
Thank you for the good post.
Have you considered playing that Eric Clapton song about Heaven? Whenever I’m feeling some pesky emotions I just put that on repeat until I remember that I’m part of a nation of sociopaths and I’d better get my shit together if I want to stay out of the for-profit prison system.
It also reminds me that Heaven and God are totes real.
Great post, Sister Wolf.
I live a lot in a state of sad, due to various shit out of, and some shit somewhat under, my control. Physical ailments make everything worse. Arthritic shit…well, it’s just ’cause you’re getting older. No, this isn’t that. Pain can eclipse the strongest discipline. But, to most people it’s just garden variety pissing & moaning, and it’s just SO depressing. It reminds them way too much of their own vulnerability and mortality, and there’s some kind of unwritten law that we just won’t do that to each other. But the loss of what you used to be able to do, and do easily, is real grief. I can’t imagine what must be the bottomless anguish of losing a child…how on earth would you ‘get over’ that??
I am old, and while I’ve still got my marbles, mostly, I’m going to be how I am and what I’m going through. I won’t hold hands and help people deal with their difficulty dealing with my difficulties…you’re on your own, folks.
Who did thode tattoos?
They’re so lovely and so you.
xo