Jessica Simpson, Boo Hoo

Breaking news: Jessica Simpson is a fat pig and it’s mean to make fun of her. In fact, if you make fun of her, you are part of the problem. It’s people like you who are forcing girls to starve themselves, you big meanies!

Jessica Simpson can’t help being a fat pig, duh. She is only human, or so it seems. Her sister used to have a really big nose, but now she’s fixed it, and she’s hopping mad about Jessica’s detractors. Heidi Klum is mad, too. Heidi is very slim, even after eight million children, but she will not stand for any criticism of Jessica’s weight.

Jessica Simpson is fat now and it’s everybody’s fault. You laughed at her fashion blunders, you sneered at her awful enormous handbags, you mocked her for her line of shoes and hair-pieces, and now look what’s happened! Even President Obama noticed her weight problem. He’ll probably propose some legislation to stop her from gaining more weight. John McCain will oppose it, though.

If I were Jessica Simpson, I’d either kill myself just to show how hurt I was, or I’d pack on another fifty pounds in order to make everyone feel bad for calling me fat.

Either way, it just goes to show how petty and small-minded we are as a society. I plan to go to church tomorrow to pray for Jessica Simpson. May she find solace in big earrings and wide belts and a double order of crispy fried chicken.

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20 Responses to Jessica Simpson, Boo Hoo

  1. honeypants says:

    From what I understand, John McCain would be the one introducing the bill, not voting against it.

    So what, Jessica went up a few sizes. Good for her for going out in public and being photographed and not trying to wear a muu muu to cover herself up. She’s still dressing like she thinks she’s hot, and that’s great. Kinda like the nu Anna Nicole, but presumably without the drug problems.

  2. annemarie says:

    Fuck Jessica Simpson. She has prostituted herself as a hot dumb blond for years. Let her rot in the cage-of-her-own-making I say!

  3. Ann says:

    Her weight gain is Jesus’ revenge for her hideous line of shoes. I’m sorry, but we all must answer for our sins, including Jessica!

  4. it’s ridiculous, she’s not fat she’s just not skinny. we need more not skinny girls on stage smiling. and lately i’ve been picking up shoes at bakers and macys thinking “cute,” and they are Jessica Simpson.

  5. WendyB says:

    Get me the name of Ashlee’s surgeon, somebody. That person is talented.

  6. HelOnWheels says:

    I’m with honeypants and fashion herald about the weight gain. However, Jessica desperately needs an intervention from Tim Gunn or a really good stylist; that outfit is awful.

  7. The high-waisted pants are unfortunate, but if you’re going to thrust yourself into the public eye via reality show you’ve got to expect the criticism.

  8. Bex says:

    Of course she got fat. She eats at Bennigan’s. What celeb eats at Bennigan’s? Its like Star Jones eating at the Cheesecake Factory.

  9. Jimmy Pop says:

    Jessica Simpson is a fat pig who wear granny panties and huge jeans. She is so fat that she beeps when she backs up and she really sits around the house. What a gross fat bitch. She thinks she looks good and healthy. Yeah, healthy like a water buffalo.

  10. Jason Killough says:

    I am not very attractive and have a beer belly. But Jessica Simpson is a fat pig. I would choose a Spanish whore over her any day. She is still out of my league. I’m a looser.

  11. Eric Farris says:

    I am a big dumb dork. But I would not even date or bang Jessica Simpson’s fat flabby body. She is a fat pig. I swear I saw the same thing on a plate of mashed potatoes. She has no real figure. Just a really bulky frame for a body. Not a woman’s body, but an incredible bulk.

  12. dewayne says:

    i can’t stop laughing.

  13. Sister Wolf says:

    Honeypants – Can’t argue with any of that.

    annemarie – That, too.

    Ann – Maybe if she took those shoes away, Jesus would back down?

    fashion herald – I know you’re right. But I need to make fun of her!

    WendyB – I’ll find out for you.

    HelOnWheels – Her style is tragic, yes.

    Bex – She likes to eat! I would never stand in the way of her eating!

    Jimmy/JAson/Eric – I can tell you all have the same IP, you moron.

    dewayne – I know you’re laughing with her, not AT her!

  14. arline says:

    I knew I could get a smile by coming here 🙂

  15. She needs a good stylist and a run in the park. Ok the run in park thing is a bit harsh but she does need a good stylist – she was too thin before and she needs to ditch skinny girl type clothes for more curvy girls – think Marilyn not Anne Nichol.
    But with no kids, loads of moeny she really has no excuse for not keeping in shape, healthy weight, slim but not skinny.

  16. kellie says:

    shes a porkster…her body is thick her shoulders look massive and her whole body is disgusting and seriously why does this whore like to show cameltoe?? ewww…she looks great when shes thin but she cant pull off the fat chick look she looks really ugly shes one of those girls who have butt-a-face and now shes uglified.

  17. OMGGMAB says:

    Well she could adopt the Anna Nicole look, Honeypants, but er, she’s dead so that would mean a sort of guant look for Jessica.

  18. OMGGMAB says:

    Gaunt, I meant.

  19. honeypants says:

    Another customer at my hair salon pointed out the other day that THE WHOLE POINT of Jessica Simpson’s fame was because she was so hot, and because of her body. Now that she’s not hot (in that sense), she has no reason to be famous.

    I can see that, because it’s not like she has any talent. Not that I personally ever thought she was hot, but still.

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