Jessica Simpson: Not Just Fat

First of all, she is fat, let’s just admit it. I saw her on TV with David Letterman, recalling how hurt she was when the tabloids called her “fat”.   Then she talked about her ex-boyfriends, and her new reality show.

Have you ever seen someone on TV who is so stupid that you want to cover your eyes? This is the true horror of Jessica Simpson. She brays loudly and inappropriately after making awkward jokes, all the time being fat. I had to turn away out of common decency.

Now I find that she’s involved with Billy Corgan, who wrote a song for her new show. I know how much everyone hates Billy Corgan but I love him!   Loved him, I guess. Why does he want Jessica Simpson?! Is it because she’s “sexual napalm?” Isn’t napalm a bad thing? And what if he wants a coherent conversation after the napalm?

I’m just depressed about the whole thing. And don’t tell me she’s not fat. She’s not fat like her awful sister didn’t have a nose job.

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29 Responses to Jessica Simpson: Not Just Fat

  1. claudia says:

    oh god, everyone’s fat, who cares

  2. Sister Wolf says:

    claudia – Hahahahaha! Good point! I still care, though.

  3. sarah.p says:

    THAT’s what you call fat?! Well fuck me, Sister! (daydreams wistfully…. comes back reluctantly to reality…) Way to wreck my self-esteem for the day!

    She IS stupid though, and I’m not. Which I suppose is the better position to be in.

  4. skye says:

    I’m going to assume you’re shit stirring, because that girl isn’t fat. Not even close. She’s not skinny, but that’s not the same as fat.

    She did fuck Mayer though, which shows a distinct lack of taste and good judgement.

  5. Sheri says:

    I’m with everybody else — she looks like a woman, instead of a stick, which is a good thing; and she’s dumb as a sack of hair, and we’d all be better off if she could somehow manage to keep that to herself.

  6. Dru says:

    Come on, Sister, that thing up there in the spots is certainly dumb (as a sack of hair, like Sheri so beautifully put it) , but that doesn’t make her fat! Fat for a non-actress/model/professional Beautiful Person, that is. Fat for Hollywood/fashion though, most def. yes.

    Also, Billy Corgan slept with her? I’ve lost all faith in humanity, now.

  7. Ann says:

    The Simpson sisters and their super-creepy father need to go away. And fuck, let’s not forget her line of shoes! I recently had the misfortune of finding a pair I actually like. Imagine the horror when I checked the label!

    As far as Billy Corgan goes, check out his horrifying interview in the newest Rolling Stone, where he suggests that if the rest of the world knew her like he knows her, we’d love her too.

  8. Konnie says:

    I lost all faith in humanity when I saw Billy Corgan with Tila Tequila (http://poponthepop.com/2009/04/tila-tequila-dating-billy-corgan/). Oh god, just thinking about her made me shiver. What a skank. At least Jessica Simpson is dumb in a less embarrassing way.

  9. Aloix says:

    Definitely a plumper. And I am completely disappointed in Mr Corgan’s involvement with her. WTF.

    Her shoe line, though.. I have actually seen a couple of cute ones (amongst lots of crap, of course). I believe I even have a pair.

  10. Dru says:

    Oh yes, ‘plump’ is a better descriptor of what’s going on in that picture, than ‘fat’. Better ‘plump’ than that other ghastly fat-euphemism, too- ‘curvy’.

    Her shoe line’s kudos deserve to go to the designers behind it- the actual people who sit around and figure out how to make the things. I agree they can be cute, label notwithstanding. I don’t think the red-lipsticked guppy in the picture above actually has much to do with it, to be honest.

    And Konnie, you’ve killed my faith in humanity stone-dead. Corgan+Tequila? UGH.

  11. rebecca says:

    Nope. Not fat. Just wearing a hideously unflattering dress. She wears a lot of unflattering outfits in her ‘fat’ pictures. In one of those pictures, she’s a size 4. That is not fat, not even by LA standards (though barely).

  12. erika says:

    In one of those pictures, she’s a size 4. That is not fat, not even by LA standards (though barely).

    How do you know that ???? whatever – she’s a horrible dresser, she wouldn’t look bad if she didn’t look like she bought her dress at K-Mart

    Can we please hate Lara Stone instead, the “Fat” model ?? she bitches constantly about her body and she has a 22 inch waist. Really what a fatty, i feel her pain.

    Also Billy Corgan=douchebag and his choice of women companions seals it. I will howver still enjoy the old Smashing Pumpkins albums as much as I want to and try not to be grossed out. Must everything be ruined ??

  13. Noël says:

    Ooooh ooooh, I also feel pain & disappointment with Mr. Corgan. I have been trying to talk myself into believing other fine sources of information though, namely US Weekly:

    http://www.hollywoodlife.com/2010/01/13/jessica-simpson-splits-up-with-smashing-pumpkins-singer-billy-corgan/

    I have been very much enjoying your blog also by the way, and am very excited about your new Cunt of the Week feature.

  14. Iron Chic says:

    It’s her tits that are fat…
    Sheri, don’t start with that “looks like a woman” BS.
    I’m a small tittay stickling AND I’m all woman!

  15. Max says:

    I’d say Jessica Simpson is hideous, dumb, wears trashy clothes, and has gained some weight — but she is still on this side of fat. If she were actually fat, she would look like this (courtesy of Photoshop):

    http://www.phatguru.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/jessica-simpson-fat.jpg

    Take someone who may technically have a similar BMI for all I know, but who is articulate, talented, charming and tastefully dressed — Kate Winslet — and presto she is stunningly beautiful (to me, anyway). Ditto Amanda Palmer.

  16. dust says:

    She is fat in Hollywood, for the rest of the world she’s a tart with jugs.

  17. Suspended says:

    I have a terrible feeling she’s going to be the next Anna Nicole Smith….fat, thin, fat, thin, dead.

  18. Cricket9 says:

    Dumb – yes, fat – no. Looking plump – yes, but there’s nothing wrong with plump. Unflattering dress doesn’t help though.

  19. kate says:

    Oh and she has a show on MTV or Lifetime or something now that involves traveling the world with that creepy Ken Paves extension-monger to talk about “global beauty standards.” Y’know, cuz America couldn’t contain her REAL WOMAN curves no more.

    It’s tough bein’ skinny too:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/03/jessica-simpson-meets-ano_n_484773.html

    BAM WORLD, here comes the premiere autodidactic aesthetic anthropologist straight outta Texas. Qualifications: hurt feelings, napalm expertise, studied under Jesus, Dad is a psychologist.

    “I’m just glad I live in a cuntry where I don have to chop up my …you know…down there. Sisterhood is global!”

  20. Aneets says:

    I would say she’s fatter than she was but definitely not fat.

    She is definitely stupid though. However, in the grand scheme of things she annoys me much less than her less talented sister.

  21. Laura says:

    Perhaps meatier than most celebs, but a stick compared to what I’ve seen in most Walmarts.

  22. The same thing has happened to me with her shoes – i’ve often picked up a cute pair at macy’s only to find out they are JS! Her team is doing a good job.

  23. Girl World says:

    i should b so fat. & so should u (& i mean that in a good way).

  24. Constance says:

    Rebecca, a size 4, Jessica Simpson? In what world? The fantasy sizing world, it must be.

    Thank you sister, you do not know how much i love this. You post the most outrageous opinions, I think if you would advocate killing puppies you would still have your supporters, but do not touch the “fat” taboo, then you are totally and irrevocably out of line.
    I salute you sister, someone needs to tell this nullity that now she’s not even decorative.

  25. Jill says:

    I”m joining Jenny Craig…fuck!

  26. Stella Mayfair says:

    Bwaaahahahah, Max! That pic just made my day! Thanks so much!

  27. Pete says:

    Well she may be dumb but that bod looks pretty tasty to me. If she had a brain she would be very attractive. The skinny ones are nice to look at but the chubby ones are pretty fun unwrapped.

  28. TheShoeGirl says:

    She’s plumpy. Not fat. NO, I don’t like the bitch but she’s not fat.

    We can’t all be as gracefully svelte as you, Sister. 😉

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