Beyonce celebrated her 30th birthday on her yacht in Italy, with family and a few close friends. Her close friend Gwyneth (??) was seen giving Beyonce an envelope. Look how happy she is after she opens it!
I need to know what was in that envelope.*
Suggestions?
*My friend Maxine said “I would like to think it was a specially penned poem.” If you agree with Maxine, please approximate the poem.
Obama’s CCCP birth certificate.
Please please please let’s put Santorum in the White House!
Gwyneth & Beyonce have been inseparable since Glastonbury!
This is the poem she wrote
We have shared mud
When you give birth we will share blood
Until then
dear friend
I’ll bake you a cupcake or two with glee
And let’s hope it’s a girl not a he!
There once was a girl called Beyonce
Who was bedazzled, lovely and poncey
Why she needed a friend like Gwyn
Who mysteriously slithered in
The rest of us really can’t say
Here’s a gift certificate for my surgeon
The one who gave me lips like a sturgeon
He will help if the baby is ambitious
he can make it bootylicious
I’m not doubting it’ll be a sweet pea
I’m just factoring in some Jay-Z
xx Love Gwyneth xx
I bet it was a picture colored by Gwynnie’s kids Apple and Moses, and a crisp $5 bill!!!
Beyonce, Beyonce, you fill a void in my life,
The split with Madonna was through my heart a knife,
With you i feel like so totally happy
I can even talk to you when i feel like totally crappy
and another reason i’m glad you stepped in
i want to be a popstar, yeah, i’m gonna sing!
can you help? lawd, say you will!
cos i have this burning desire to trill
yeah baby, there’ll be no shutting me up now
i’m gonna even out-platinum that old cow
(who shall remain nameless. ok, it’s Madonna
what a cunt– out-shine her i’m gonna!!)
i’ll sing lullabies to the babe in your belly
and i’ll sound just like i did on the telly
what a team we will be, you and i
also glad you’re black, not gonna lie
how can they say i’m stuck-up now that i’m friends with you?
god, it’s great, and your husband’s black too!
not too many back people in the upper east side lair
but i’m so down with you guys now– can i touch your hair?
i’ve long believed a good friend should be a good tool
and do stuff to help make me look cool
and you do that Beyonce my love
you fit me like a hand in glove.
Wait, I got it – its a free subscription to Goop.
It was a gift certificate for some Scientology thing. Lord knows that shit is bloody expensive.
@ Ann…hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
A simple note: “Happy Birthday, even though you’ll never have hair like mine.”
It was the phone number to her Doula and a promise that she will never sing again.
@annemarie, your two lines in parentheses have to be the best poetry I’ve ever read! Brilliant!
Dace C- My favorite line is “god it’s great and your husband’s black too!” She is a fucking genius.
The note says: “Your ass is big, I can’t sing. My husband is overrated, so is yours (I’m sorry if you’re not married). I do yoga.”
Juri – Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaaahahaha!
Darling Beyonce,
there are things that it takes a close LOVING friend to tell you. Because I am so filled with love and joy, I want ot let you know that you are fat, and your hair is nappy. I say this with love.
I can help you with hairdressers, and starvation diets/detox regimes. I can help you obsessively exercise. Your hair will never be as lovely as mine, but I am sure conditioning can help!
It will be so cool! You will be pretty, and thin! and I will have a black friend! So those awful fat people will think I am nice and normal and un-patronizing.
Love and hope for the future
Gwynny
ps. I have enclosed a subscription for goop.
I don’t know, but I saw her and Jay Z eating the other day and she is really pretty in person.
annemarie – holy fuck that was amazing. Thank you for the laughs 🙂
LOLOL