Mr. & Mrs. Depp vs Brad & Angie

Since I can’t have Johnny Depp, it’s good to know that the woman he married is worthy of him. So worthy, in fact, that I would settle for her if I couldn’t have Johnny. Which I can’t. I knew that Mrs. Depp was exquisite in her own right, but having seen the video of her new single, I am totally infatuated with her. She has an otherworldly toy like quality, much like her husband. And the gap between her teeth! Madonna would kill herself if she knew about it.

Driving to the grocery store today, I contemplated the prospect of a romance with Mr. and Mrs. Depp. I can’t stand the idea of threesomes,   but in the case of Johnny and Vanessa, it’s a whole different thing. It’s kind of lyrical, and baroque. It would be innocent, rather than creepy.

This led me to consider Brad and Angie for the purpose of a romantic fling. Despite their physical beauty and star quality, I don’t think they even come close to a Mr. and Mrs. Depp triangle. Angie would probably be too bossy, for one thing. Her sharp knees and elbows would probably be bothersome. Even her shoulders could put your eye out!

Brad would probably be nice, but maybe a little too passive. He’d probably keep asking you if everything was alright. He might want too many compliments, too. Yes, Brad, your abs are ripped. Yes, the hair looks great. We already know from ‘Thelma and Louise’ that Brad is a Giver, but Angie might interrupt things, just to establish her power. Then, you might lose your train of thought, so to speak, by trying to read her tattoos.

Johnny and Vanessa would probably put on matching vintage kimonos afterward. Johnny would make some tea, and Vanessa would read aloud in French, maybe some ‘Babar The Elephant’ book. We would all exchange some small keepsakes, perhaps rings or lockets.

It’s good to know that there’s something out there that’s better than Brad and Angie. I only hope Jennifer Aniston is reading this. I mean it, Jen; I’m not just trying to make you feel better!