I’ve become a big fan of IDTV, or The Murder Channel as I like to call it. Most of the time, I find the stories entertaining and even calming. But once in a while, something will trigger a real sense of shock and horror.
A couple of days ago, I watched the story of a serial killer, punctuated by interviews with his now adult daughter. In old photos, you can see the daughter as a toddler and the father as a big, good-looking all-American guy. The daughter describes him in those days as a charismatic family man.
But she recalls that all forms of horsing around with her dad ended up as uncomfortable power plays. Tickling became torture, as she begged her dad to stop. He would pin her arms down and keep on tickling.
Here I began to think, uh-oh.
My dad liked to be physical with me and my sister when we were kids. In one game, we would all get on his big bed and the object was to try to throw him off. Of course, this was impossible. I can’t remember if I enjoyed the struggle. I think I enjoyed this substitute for affection, since my parents divorced when I was three and I was a timid, neglected child.
Other games included trying to get his thumb loose from his fist. He was strong, a weightlifter and tennis player. We could never succeed and he enjoyed our committed struggles. He also enjoyed challenging us to perform some impossible task. When I was around eight, he bet that I couldn’t do 500 deep-knee-bends. Why would a father do this? Beats me, but I was determined to win. I somehow managed to rise to the challenge and I was in agony for days afterward. I remember my mom yelling at him about it.
When we were very young, my dad used to take us out on the freeway in his big Lincoln Continental and he would suddenly let go of the wheel at a high speed. He would turn to whichever of us was sitting next to him and say, “Take the wheel! Hurry up, you have to control the car!” Our terror was hilarious to him. Later, I would have recurring nightmares about a car I couldn’t control. I still can’t drive on freeways.
Back to the daughter of the serial killer, she recalls that her dad used to take her on a walk over a bridge. Halfway across, he would lift her up and pretend he was about to throw her over. She notes that she learned to run away before they got to the halfway mark.
My dad used to take us on a fishing boat that stayed out all day. I liked to fish. But I didn’t like it when he sneaked up behind me and suddenly lifted me off the ground, saying “I’m gonna throw you overboard!”
What fun he had!
The daughter in the story recounts her feelings of shame when her dad flirted with waitresses, crossing over the line of normal friendly banter.
Ditto, with my dad.
She was in high school when her dad was arrested for murder. He confessed to killing at least 8 women, but may have killed as many as 100. One was his fiance, who had rebelled against being dominated and had mysteriously disappeared. The daughter worries about having her father’s genes. She’s glad he didn’t kill her.
My dad died around 8 years ago, never having killed anyone as far as I know. But finding that his behavioral profile was so similar to the serial killer…that is upsetting. What the fuck was wrong with him and why didn’t anyone step in? How many fathers go around terrorizing their children in order to feel powerful? How many kids know that this isn’t normal?
Does this sound familiar to any of you??
As Father’s Day approaches, may my dad rest in peace, but may he stay good and dead.
Me father was an emotional roller coaster. Laughing one minute, beating up my brother the next. Me mother lived with it, but hated it. I was around fathers who were always teasing their kids, goading them and just being assholes. One of my friends who had a jokester father was buzzed by a Cattle Prod her dad picked up as a toy! To this day I hate teasing, I cringe when “dads” pick on children with “good humor”. Not good for anybody. Assholes.
Typos. Was riled up
Dj – Thank you for answering my question!!!! I’m really trying to understand what kind of behaviors were considered normal or acceptable by fathers. I’m also wondering if it’s generational. Young fathers today seem more enlightened, and more involved in their kids’ well-being. Were our dads more abusive that the norm? Was teasing considered a dad’s way of communicating? It’s so fucked up. I need more input on this. xo
I think it’s generational. I think fathers ( I hate the word. Dad) born before the 30s had much harder childhoods; they weren’t children. So, they don’t have tools for identifying with how children feel and “process” things. I know my father did the best he could, but he could be difficult to manage. He was lost in a mix of 10 children, all the older brothers much older. Cruelty mixed with joviality made for a scary cocktail. Other fathers had their own dark sides–again, teasing at the same time ostracizing, especially boys. Silent. I just can’t say. But, we kids were so used to foul language, yelling etc that when there was a father who spoke softly to their kids we thought they were weird. I think fathers over the last 20 years or so are making up for that, are more enlightened, but, are also weak in some areas. Not that they have to beat the crap out if their kids to make them listen (although that absolutely works) but the overly fawning messages are not helping. I don’t identify them as men. More man-boys.
As a baby boomer my father was completely emotionally and physically absent from me. He ignored me all the time. He was the same way with my mother. Passive aggressive.
My mother hated my father and vice versa, but I think that after the Second World War people did not marry for love (My parents were both Irish and English respectively).
Europe after WWII was in a state of hell.
Are men better today-I honestly can’t say…
Your father had a definite sadistic streak. Nothing generational about it. I experienced some “odd” behavior coming from my dad. Nothing sadistic. He was a true eccentric. With “Father’s Day” on the horizon, I would feel guilty going into it. How sick is that? LOL
Your dads behavior was not normal. I think good fathers existed in every era but in the past parenting win general wasn’t discussed as much as it is today. Things were just how they were. I’m around your age and was lucky enough to have a gem of a father. He was kind, extremely generous, patient and 100% devoted to his children and my mom. He was also a bad-ass Vietnam veteran (Captain of Artillery) who won a bronze star for ‘valor in combat’. He was very, very competent and confident at whatever he did. I think his internal deep confidence in himself allowed him to be kind and generous to his children. He was a real man and he knew it. Anyway, your dad sounds like he was an insecure twit. I think deep shame and insecurity is the root of that type of mean behavior. So, no he wasn’t normal. PS- lest you think it was all sun-shine and roses, my mom is a narcissistic alcoholic and my saint father has protected (enabled) her since she was 23.
Not much in the way of physical abuse from my dad, but emotionally cruel would be an understatement. What kind of man takes away my treasured kitten in the morning and later tells me he put it in a bag and threw it over a bridge on the way to work? And then laughs. Lots of therapy but I still cry like a baby when I see a kitten that looks like mine.