“No Eating”

No Eating is a powerful new play that has been described as a cross between No Exit and Gilligan’s Island, with echoes of Endgame in its theme of absurd futility.

Starring Kate Moss, Karl Lagerfeld, Carine Roitfeld (not pictured) and Beth Ditto, the non-action takes place on a desert island. Moss, Lagerfeld and Roitfeld refuse to acknowledge the presence of Ms. Ditto for the first two acts. Even when she sings into a bullhorn and flings her Fendi skirt at them, they continue to pretend she isn’t there.

In Act III, hunger has set in. Karl has given up looking for a helicopter to rescue him. He talks about his mother and blames her for everything. Kate starts to gnaw on her own foot, as Carine screams that she needs a scale to weigh everyone.

All at once, Kate and the two Felds notice Beth Ditto. Karl confuses her with Amy Winehouse; he is delirious from hunger. Kate and Carine tell Beth that she’s an icon, just like them. Beth sees the hunger in their eyes as they approach her, and warns that she is fattening.

The four castaways stare into space, realizing that hell is not other people, but oneself. Beth Ditto walks into the sea, either to survive as a human raft or to drown. The curtain falls to the muted strains of “Back to Black.”

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7 Responses to “No Eating”

  1. Rudy Zarsov says:

    WOW!!! Doesn’t that sound great. (sigh)

  2. Jools says:

    I want two seats in the orchestra,please.

  3. I’ll direct it we need more gnawing of feet and weigh ins!

  4. I’m available for costuming duties.

  5. HelOnWheels says:

    I’ve produced several plays and would be happy to do the same for “No Eating”. It is an important and pivotal play.

  6. Sister Wolf says:

    Rudy -It IS great. A little bit of a downer, but great.

    Jools -Done.

    Make Do- YES, I like your vision. You’re hired.

    Iheartfashion – You, too.

    HElOnWheels – You’re in! May we use your comment in the ads?

  7. I think this might be even more affecting if, by the time the others are in the final throes of starvation, they look at Beth Ditto and notice that she has shrunk down to model size; unfortunately, before they Lagerfeld can so much as whisper “Fabulous, hmmm!” they all perish. Beth, of course, would then be left with a relatively small and stringy supply of food until the rescue boats came.

    It would defy the laws of science, sure, but still. Might make a good alternative ending for the DVD.

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