No Luck for Levi Johnston

Ever since he knocked up his girlfriend, nothing has gone right for poor Levi. One minute a rakish Wasilla heartthrob, the next minute a hostage at the RNC with no hope of freedom, ever.

Now he’s lost his job after it came out that he never finished high school, and he can blame that loudmouth Mrs. Palin for making a big stink about it.

Of course, Mrs. P. denies helping Levi get that high-paying job in the first place. That would be pulling strings or something, and with her high regard for this great country of ours, that is something she just would not do. She did write a letter of recommendation for Levi and here’s what it said:

“I have known Levi and his family for many years and am most impressed with Levi’s work ethic. Levi is organized, efficient, extremely competent, and will prove to be an excellent employee. Also, Levi’s physical strength and determination are assets that will be useful to your company.”

How brilliant is her coding?! Let us deconstruct the letter…

“I have known his family” means “I have had his mom busted for drug dealing.”
“extremely competent” means “He was able to impregnate my daughter twice.”
“Levi’s physical strength” means either “I find him pretty yummy myself!” or “Todd hasn’t been able to beat him up.”
“Useful to your company” means “Give his ass a job, or else.”

Now Levi’s life is ruined. His parents are divorcing, his dream of playing pro hockey is long gone, he has two babies with stupid names and he can’t afford to buy diapers. All he wanted to do was drink, do drugs, shoot his rifle and screw his girlfriend! If there’s a god, why is he so mad at poor Levi?!

I have a hunch that he wanted to name that baby Trapped, instead of Tripp, but I can’t prove it….yet.

If you were Levi, what would you do?

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14 Responses to No Luck for Levi Johnston

  1. Ann says:

    If I had an ounce of common sense, I would wait until I was done gasping for air from laughing before I comment on this blog. This may be your funniest one yet. Well articulated, Sister!

    To answer your question: if I were Levi, I would run screaming from Wasilla as quickly as my legs would take me and exploit the SHIT out of everyone around me, including my own parents. He ought to try to capture his 15 minutes while he can – and having said that, he also needs to acquire a good financial planner because a hit single doesn’t last very long. I realize that in the world of karma, nothing good could come from such a rash act, but really, how much worse can his luck get?

  2. Juri says:

    I agree couldn’t agree more with Ann about his 15 minutes.

    I would tell Mrs. P. pull to start pulling some strings for creating me a State job. My duties would consist of drinking, doing drugs, shooting my rifle and screwing my girlfriend plus occasional ad hoc duties, such as watching hockey and masturbating to porn.

    If she tried to insist doing such things is wrong and against her flawless ethics, I’d threaten to go for a book deal and an exclusive $4 Million interview with the People Magazine in which I’d confess that I’m both Trapp’s AND Trigg’s father.

    Of course, I’d have to sleep with my rifle for a while, in case Todd Palin decided to come over at night and bully me into dropping my demands.

  3. Kelly says:

    Gender reassignment, followed by a life in the roller derby.

  4. If I were Levi, I’d make an immediate run for the border, to Russia!

  5. Den Deni says:

    Well, eventually, he will run . . . but it may be for some office. Isn’t that where a lot of people that spend their youth “drinking, doing drugs, shooting rifles and screwing girlfriends (and others) plus occasional ad hoc duties, such as watching hockey (can substitute footfall) and masturbating to porn end up doing?”

  6. sleepy says:

    I’m with Kelly on this one.
    Roller Derby or Ice Capades.

  7. HelOnWheels says:

    Make that another one with Kelly, and not just because she made me spew coffee through my nose. My city’s derby league would KILL for somebody “Levina’s” size on their teams.

    However, he should also consider “writing” a book, doing the talk show circuit, and then retiring from the spotlight to join the family business of drug dealing.

  8. Mark says:

    If I were Levi, I’d look at my naked self and masturbate a lot. Then, I’d CASH IN!!!! Book deal(s), interviews…and before you know it, I’ll be on the “Surreal Life” with the likes of Charlene Tilton, and Condi.

  9. Sister Wolf says:

    Ann -It’s scary to think about his streak of bad luck…he should get life insurance before anything else.

    Juri -YES, a book deal. And police protection.

    Kelly -Hahahaha, what a waste of beefcake though.

    Iheartfashion – HAHAHAHA!

    Deni -Good point.

    HelOnWheels -The family business…hahahahha! I love that.

    Mark -This is so prophetic…I see reality TV in his future.

  10. Mark says:

    One of your top-ten posts, for sure.

  11. Danielle says:

    Twice?? Did I miss something?

  12. Aja says:

    Please tell me you saw the most recent interview with church lady. She’s such a sore loser, cry baby. . . I almost feel sorry for her. And then, I don’t.

  13. very well written blog here! Keep up the good work and Happy Holidays!

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