The Cher Sighting

Today, I went to Beverly Hills with the BFF and she had to hiss “Cher!” at me before I noticed Cher standing right by us in the Neiman Marcus shoe department! I turned to gawk at Cher, who looked just like herself only much smaller. She is actually quite tiny, in height and weight. She said to her assistant/handmaiden something like, “It’s really cute, isn’t it?” and her voice was EXACTLY like her voice!

I was so excited that I couldn’t stop staring. My BFF wanted me to stop, but I didn’t care. I wanted to take in every element: The black cargo pants with a million zippers, the long blue-black hair, the sunglasses that she never took off. When Cher sat down and removed her jacket to reveal a tight black bodysuit, I squealed, “Oooh, look at the implants!”

My BFF managed to move me along and we went upstairs, only to find Cher in the same place 30 minutes later. Her assistant/handmaiden was helping her to try on jackets, which she held open for Cher like an attentive date.

We tried on sunglasses while I kept an eye on Cher. I modeled a pair of sunglasses by some stupid brand I’ve never heard of, that the salesgirls were pushing aggressively. “Aren’t these glorious!” I exclaimed a little too loudly, raising the eyebrows of a gay guy who clearly didn’t agree. Everyone tried to persuade me that another pair was more flattering but I was fixated on the glorious ones.

Meanwhile, Cher was strutting around in the new Olive green Balmain military jacket.

It looked preposterous on her but she seemed quite taken with it. I turned to the salesgirls and squealed, “Look! Cher is trying on the Balmain jacket!” They nodded and the gay guy confided, “She likes Balmain.” I complained to the BFF that Cher should leave that jacket to the girl whose boyfriend hits her. It took a while before she retrieved the word, “Rihanna.”

I bought the glorious sunglasses with ny NM charge card, meaning they were free! Don’t tell my husband.

Then, we walked down the street to Saks. A frightening, giant Nordic woman showed me some awful new lipstick by Guerlain, and the BFF bought a sexy bustier by Camilla and Marc. We relaxed in the Saks cafe, where I ate an apple tart that cost $9 and started to realize that the sunglasses were a tragic mistake.

But at least I saw Cher!

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30 Responses to The Cher Sighting

  1. dexter vandango says:

    I don’t care if her outsides are fake.. I’ve loved her since the mid 80’s when she gave an interview to Playboy. She was so funny, honest, centered, intensely human and just plain nice. May she stay preserved as long as she wants..

  2. Grace says:

    I just wanted to finally say that I love you. I’ve been a daily reader for months now, but I’m afraid of you therefore have never commented before.

    When I first started reading it was around the time of the “blogs you hate” posts and it was so mean I felt bad just reading it, but then I kept coming back for some unknown reason until I realised it was because you’re a fucking inspiration. Now you literally have the only blog I look forward to reading. You’re funny and cynical and you cast your dispersions on clothing / trends / people / blogs I hate as well and it makes me feel all warm inside.

    Toady, I came here from Karlascloset. Its where I go only when I’m really bored, so I can sit in utter disbelief at all of the absolute idiots that comment and compliment her “sense of fashion”. I needed to come here straight after to quell the anger and share some hate. I cant quite find the words to describe whats wrong with her, there are so many things like and its just hard to articulate. In the near future, perhaps you can help me out. Also 4th and bleeker, would love to hear your opinion on that humble little cookie.

    So this is basically a reader request and a love letter rolled into one. Thanks for always brightening my day.

  3. Sister Wolf says:

    dexter – Just be glad I didn’t ask her about Chaz, then!

    Grace – Oh, now I feel all warm inside, too! Sorry you were afraid, I’m actually really nice, and I’m here for you whenever you hate anything. xo. As I recall, that 4th and bleeker girl is a horrible anorexic who looks like a prostitute, correct? Totally repelled by her.

  4. Faux Fuchsia says:

    I love a Celebrity Sighting 11/10. Well Done. Your ‘do looks nice in that photo.

  5. dust says:

    Next time you are in a close range of a celebrity, ask your BFF to act like she is your assistant, I think that this can give you legitimate excuse to start a conversation.
    What’s wrong with the glasses?

  6. hammie says:

    Cher- HOORAY for acting exactly how she should act. And even bigger hooray for you looking way more beautiful than her without so much as a sliver of surgery.

    not getting the glasses either. xx

  7. Juri says:

    I don’t like Cher’s music and her movies do nothing to me, but if I saw her in a department store (or a supermarket) I’d ask her to marry me without blinking. If hesitated I’d tell her, “look, you’ve already been with Sonny Bono, that guy from Bon Jovi and Tom Cruise. It’s not like you can do any worse than those tools, is it?”

    I’d insist she’d wear one of her black body stockings at the wedding, and in my wovs I’d solenly swear and promise to love, something anf honour her until Amy Winehose responds to my love letters and runs away with me.

    Of course, we could solve the problem by converting to Mormonism or Islam. Then we could propose to Joanna Lumley and Lady Gaga as well.

    Fulfilling my marital duties might be awakward in the beginning, as I’d have to assure her that it’s not her vagina I’m laughing at when I’m “down there.” It’s the idea and image of Tom Cruise having been there too. I’m sure she’d laugh at it too.

  8. sister wolf OMG, rad. cool. LOVE.

    to die for.

    is Cher’s face moving?

  9. David Duff says:

    Are you sure she’s not stalking you? I mean, bit suspicious the way she followed you up the stairs. Well, you being *really* famous and loved and adored all round the world, as your commenters testify, perhaps she was looking for a bit of reflected glory.

  10. arline says:

    I would have stared too. There is something about Cher that you have to love.

    On another note, I agree with Grace. I really don’t like Karla’s Closet. She has some pretty shoes though.

  11. Kapaali says:

    Those glasses weren’t a tragic mistake. You look like a fucking rock star.

  12. Aja says:

    Will you start a series of Neiman Marcus stories? Because they’re always unbelievable enjoyable. I wish I saw celebrities at my Neiman Marcus. Sadly my local NM only has spoiled middle eastern woman and uppity white woman with botched up plastic surgery jobs. Which is fun for my mother because she always pokes me in the ribs and raises her eyebrows . . . but a celebrity or two would really shake things up greatly.

  13. XuXu says:

    dude.

    All you have to say is “glorious” and you’re spendid.

    glorious

    GLORIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. XuXu says:

    And by “spendid” I mean..SPLENDID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    XuXu
    http://www.frenchshelter.blogspot.com

  15. slimeylimey says:

    Cher is small? All celebrities are small, it’s the pictures that got bigger. But she towered over Sonny when they appeared on Ready Steady Go on English television when i was young and easy. Sonny must have been really tiny, maybe that why he went so fast on skis. Those sunglasses look very good on you, but retail at Neiman? Ouch. As XuXu [if that is her real name] remarked, you are splendid, sister. x

  16. Jill says:

    Cher! I adore Cher! I cried when we saw her in Vegas…I’m actually not a crier. It was a weird reaction. I used to be so jealous of Chastity…not so much anymore.

    I think it’s time for a new video…with your new “sunnies”…god I hate that word!

  17. TheShoeGirl says:

    LOL- I love dust’s idea. I may use that next time.

    Sister… a day of shopping with you would probably complete my life.

  18. Iron Chic says:

    Sounds like you had a luxurious “Trophy Club” kinda day!
    I’m small in real life too! I love Cher in Mask, Mermaids and Witches of Eastwick. Moonstruck is pretty stupid though….remember when she did that delicious hair care infomercial in the 90’s?

  19. WendyB says:

    I NEED to go shopping with you!

    Did you ever see Cher on Will & Grace? You should have walked up to her, called her “Mister Sister,” and taught her how Cher REALLY sounds.

  20. I saw Cher in person once too! They filmed Mermaids and Witches of Eastwick in my town when I was in high school.
    The glasses ARE glorious. I agree with Hammie; you’re much more gorgeous than Cher, without going under the knife.
    Also, did you see the Patty Smith feature in today’s Times?

  21. Pudfish says:

    Dear Sister Wolf, a great post, love your writing so much, and your commenters are still really funny too, I think the new sunnies look good on you, but what do I know, I don’t have my own fashion blog..

  22. Alicia says:

    But they were free!!! That tart on the other hand…

  23. Great sighting! I had a Cher scrapbook when I was little and it was years before I learned that my mum and Cher were not the same age–a little falsehood my mum perpetuated b/c I loved Cher so much.

  24. Those sunnies are glorious! Love the Cher sighting such detail is pleasing. Any your sunglasses are fab, wait till you see mine from the weekend you’ll realise that you have taste!

  25. Mark says:

    I love Dust’s idea. Genius. You continue to rule, Sister Wolf.

  26. Dru says:

    The sunglasses are pretty. I envy you being able to wear them, though- my hot, sunny tropical country has blazing sunlight all year round and I still feel like a perfect idiot when I put on any glasses with a dark lens.

  27. “Handmaiden” — Good one! I don’t think that was really Cher, though. I heard she loans out her face from time to time to women who wish they were as famous as she. It may have been Joyce DeWitt.

  28. Ann says:

    How the fuck did I miss this post? It’s terrific from start to finish! The glasses look glorious, and what a bargain since they were free!

    How did the gay guy know Cher likes Balmain?

  29. Marlene says:

    I just read that Cher has a secret guiltless pleasure..she eats marmalade. http://cherscholar.typepad.com/i_found_some_blog/2010/03/the-jam-of-cher.html

    How can she stay so thin? I hate her…sigh..but I really love her. So glad you got to see her in person.

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