The Headache

deathrow burger

One day last week, fresh from a shower, I swaggered into my husband’s home office, made eye contact, turned around and walked away. He put his guitar down and followed me to the bedroom.

There, we embarked upon an  intrinsically evil and gravely immoral marital act *.

Concentrating mightily, approaching take-off, I was visited by a crushing pain in my head, like being hit with a brick. FUCK, I thought. Determined to reward Houston, I persevered. Then, I announced that something was wrong.

I know a little about aneurisms, or at least I know the symptoms. If you have ‘the worst headache of your life’ and it came on suddenly, go to the ER.

I waited a few minutes to see if the pain would go away but it continued, pounding furiously and somewhat rhythmically. We called the 24-hour nurse hotline that comes with my health insurance. A nice old lady with a smoker’s voice who was probably wearing a housecoat advised me to call 911.

We drove to the nearest hospital and I put on lipstick in the car. I don’t go to hospitals without lipstick. The pain didn’t budge.

A nice doctor decided to give me a CAT scan, based on the pain level and my sky-high cholesterol. Even before leaving the house, I had decided against having brain surgery. Brain surgery meant shaving my head, so no. I tried imagining myself with one half of my head bald, wearing a scarf, and having a nice enough personality that people would still love me. I was skeptical about pulling this off.

The CAT scan guy told me to remove my earrings and that was annoying. I couldn’t get one out so he had to help me. He asked me what I did for a living and I said, “I write gossip crap.” He asked me where I wrote it and I answered, “a dumb website.” He gave me a look and said disapprovingly, “You sound like you don’t like what you do,” as though I had offended his sense of propriety. I gave up on bonding with him.

We waited for the test results. A nurse stuck an IV in me and I was sure it was intended for someone else. The doctor appeared and said my brain looked okay. The pain was a migraine, he determined. I mentioned when the pain had occurred and he said, “That happens.” I whined back, “It’s not going to happen again, though.”

A nice nurse with a fake flower in her hair told me she was going to give me some morphine. I was careful to hide my delight. She said: “You’re about to have the ride of your life.”

Are nurses supposed to say that when they inject you with morphine? We talked about her son, who had just joined the Navy, then she turned off the light to let me ‘rest.’

It took a few minutes for the pain to stop and my husband told me to be patient. We decided that since I didn’t need brain surgery, we would go get hamburgers.

Another nurse gave me some aftercare instructions and prescriptions I planned not to fill. I asked if it was okay to eat a burger and she hesitated but agreed there was nothing better than a burger and fries.

I told her that I’d decided to have a burger and fries for my last meal if I was ever on Death Row. She shrieked, “ME TOO!” and we shared a high five.

The burger from Bunz was totally fucking amazing. I can’t recommend it highly enough, whether or not you’re about to die.

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16 Responses to The Headache

  1. Andrea says:

    Glad you’re OK!

  2. David Duff says:

    I hesitate to offer marital advice of an obviously personal and delicate nature but, Sis, in the best circles it is usually the done thing for the lady to ‘have a headache’ *before*, er, the business not during!

    As I never cease to advise you, timing, as in sex and drumming, is everything!

  3. Romeo says:

    I’m glad it wasn’t an aneurism and that you got to have a burger. Sorry your doctor was jealous about your gossip blogging.

  4. Dj says:

    So glad you’re ok sister..btw, how WAS the ride?? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  5. k8 says:

    fill the prescripts- it’s always a good idea to have a little stash of something if you need it. and i’m really glad you’re ok. burgers are the best.

  6. Bevitron says:

    Sister Wolf, I’m no trained medical person, not even an untrained one, but years ago I did date a guy who had orgasm & pre-orgasm headaches of apparent terrifying severity during a period of a few months. He described them exactly as you did, too. Then they just stopped. I found out that they’re not that uncommon, women can have them too (but it seems to affect men more often), and most of the time they don’t mean anything at all. If you check out “sex (or orgasm) headache” at Mayo Clinic, WebMD, etc., you can read more about it, which just sounds like great fun, huh. Oh wait – I see here that Wikipedia has an article with a name that’s hard to top: Coital cephalalgia. There you go!

    I’m really glad you went ahead and had it checked out. Definitely get your Rx’s filled. How was the morphine for you? I’ve had numerous trips to the ER (followed by hospital stays) with horrific gut pain from intestinal adhesions from back when I had several surgeries due to endometriosis, and I have to say, me & my pain were not that impressed with the regular morphine injections I received. I would give you five morphines for one Dilaudid (I think that’s what the stuff was that they didn’t want to use much). Anyway, I’m so glad you’re okay!! Fear not the burger and fries.

  7. ali says:

    Now I am hungry 🙁

  8. Sister Wolf says:

    Bevitron – Oh Christ, now I’m a man, on top of everything else. Yes, the morphine was just meh, nothing exciting, DIlaudid sounds much better.

  9. Skimmy says:

    I clicked on the asterisk. Now I have a headache.

  10. Dj says:

    I’ll have the morphine, thank you. Oh, make that a double.

  11. Sandra says:

    I’ve totally given myself a sex headache while fapping! It lasted for like 3 days and hurt like hell every time I tried to walk 🙁

  12. Winter Bird says:

    Love Morphine…it reminds me of the 70’s! Glad you’re okay.

  13. Debbie says:

    I suffered from Migraines my entire life. Once a month I would die with pain. Many trips to the ER to get a shot of Demerol which IMMEDIATELY took away the pain. Prescriptions for Vicodin. Get them. If you EVER get another headache, trust me, you’ll be glad you did.

    So glad you didn’t need brain surgery.

    XOXO
    Deb

  14. drollgirl says:

    i am so sorry for your pain (literally), but this made me laugh. and i needed that!

  15. Skye says:

    This sometimes happens to me. It’s because (I think, based on sketchy internet research) the blood is draining from the brain department, and into the lady party department. Also, there is a thing where if the blood supply up the vessels from the neck to the brain are constricted (e.g. during vigorous head pushed down doggy style) then migraine can ensue.

    Pleasure and pain etc.

  16. Blighty says:

    Glad you are ok Sister Wolf. I read the asterisk link and was puzzled: is this the same Catholic Church which has historically covered up child sex abuse by its priests? Isn’t that real evil which they should be expending their energy on, rather than devoting hours and hours to a prurient and pointless discussion of what consenting adults might or might not do? Really the gulf between religion and me gets wider and wider all the time…

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