The Testament of Levi

I know everyone has better things to do than to watch the Tyra Banks show, so let me bring you up to date:

Levi Johnston is totally screwed.

Bristol won’t let him see their baby, because she hates Levi’s sister. This, according to the sister, Mercede, a worn-out backwoods prom queen-gone-bad type who has Levi’s name prominently tattooed around her wrist. Uh-oh.

Levi’s mom, Sherry, is not at liberty to talk about her arrest for drug dealing ( “there is a lot of different things that has twists to it,”   she explains ) but she wants to see her grandbaby! That mean ol’ Mrs. Palin thinks that Levi and his family are White Trash. The nerve of her!

Levi is thinking he’ll have to sue for custody of baby Tripp. Meanwhile, Mrs. Palin’s sister-in-law just got arrested for burglary.

I now have a bad feeling that Trig is Levi’s baby with Mercede. Don’t pretend you doubt they’ve slept together, either. You know it in your bones.

Let us not throw the first stone, though!   Who among us, et cetera. Apparently, The Testament of Levi is an Apocalyptic Text, concerning arrogance.   Mrs. Palin should have read it before she set her sights on the White House.

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18 Responses to The Testament of Levi

  1. WendyB says:

    Makes me feel better about my own family.

  2. Imelda Matt says:

    The Palins are the gift that keeps on giving.

  3. Jill says:

    I’m now in the process of having my step-brothers name removed from my ass. I had no idea it was frowned upon!

    Loved this post. Amazing to think that this episode of Alaskan Hillbillies was almost one cardiac arrest away from the Presidentsy.

  4. Levi’s family are clearly New Trash. The Palins go back generations.

  5. OMGGMAB says:

    I knew Sarah bought Trig from someone, but to think it could have been from her daughter’s boyfriend and his sister. This is too yuck to contemplate. Betcha Sarah can see a trailer park from her backyard.

  6. hammie says:

    oh jebus!
    xx

  7. Film Upstart says:

    I’m so looking forward to the next installment….

  8. crocodilian says:

    Is it weird that I have felt a strange emptiness – a Palin void, if you will – in my life since the end of the election? On one level (okay, most levels) my hatred for her burns with the fire of a thousand suns. I would physically be unable to hold a five minute conversation with her before resorting to facepunching.

    But her idiocy, hypocrisy, sub-normal ability to speak her native tounge correctly, and the hilariously way in which she all her family members unrepentantly flout the very “morals” they want everyone else to uphold… it’s like the greatest reality tv show ever conceived, and I can’t look away.

    Oh Sarah… I wish I could quit you.

  9. Sister Wolf says:

    WendyB- See? They’re here for a Reason.

    Imelda Matt- Like crabs, but less itchy!

    Jill – Amazing, isn’t it?? My thought exactly.

    Iheartfashion – They have none of that Old Trash classiness.

    OMGGMAB- I’m sorry, try not to think about it.

    hammie – Correct.

    Film Upstart – Same here!

    crocodilian – You are speaking me deepest thoughts. Are you me, in fact??

  10. JK says:

    Crocodilian is speaking in tongues. I think in fact we is me therefore ye.

    Keepie eyes on – hilarity erupts as does Redoubt. In all seriousness.

  11. dewayne says:

    shit, if i was him, i’d screw my sister too. and demand bristol to join in. willow, as well. or whatever the fuck the middle girls name is. she’s the hottest one of them all.

    and maybe, just maybe, if i was dusted to the eyeballs on the combination of meth and oxycontin, i’d allow mrs p herself to participate.

    which brings up the question, how unlikely is it that bristol caught ol’ levi and her mom going at it, and that’s the real reason she refuses to see him?

    p.s. i’m really not that country, or depraved. but god, it was fun writing all that!

  12. arline says:

    Just when I think I can’t be disgusted by her again, you prove me wrong.

    This is a damn >HA< TRIP.

  13. Sister Wolf says:

    JK – Ten four.

    dewayne – And fun reading it, too.

    arline – It will never end. Today I heard her bitching about missiles hitting Alaska…if I was a missile, I’d be soooooo tempted.

  14. reddoorread says:

    does this mean levi is single? awesome! i’m really into shooting wildlife and sixpacks and such.

  15. HelOnWheels says:

    You know, I thought Levi had some potential to be “saved”. Get him outta Alaska, some grooming, some intensive rehab, maybe help him finish grade school and high school and you have yourself some juicy arm-candy. I have now changed my mind. SW, you made me throw up in my mouth a little.

    I too have very contradictory feelings about Palin, crocodilian. I understand your pain.

  16. OMGGMAB says:

    I wonder if Sarah and Todd practice abstinence only. That could be the reason she’s screwing the Alaskan public and he the pipeline pubic. Now there’s a story that makes sense, cents and scents.

  17. Christine says:

    Wow, all my redneck cousins (redneck and proud of it!) even think the Palins are “poseurs” As Cousin Ronny says, they probably aren’t even capable of castrating a bull. (A lifeskill I was taught at age 12).

  18. This new iPhone is so much slicker than the last one. I really dig the cool little camera. I wonder what Steve Jobs has in store for us with the next version!

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