For the first time in months, I went out to shop today! My BF took us to Neiman Marcus, where we saw LaToya Jackson in the men’s department wearing a red Santa hat and sporting a bubble butt that jiggled wildly but still looked fake.
In the shoe department, the sale racks were overflowing with eye-popping high-end monstrosities by the usual designers. I thought it would be nice to try on some $1,500 alligator wedges. I would rather die than try to walk in shoes like this, since I clearly have trouble walking in flat athletic shoes.
I was transfixed by an awful woman trying on some high suede boots. She modeled them in different positions as though trying out for a contest of some kind. Her legs were as thin as my arms but her lips were inflated enough to save at least half of the passengers on the Titanic. I hope she bought the boots.
Upstairs in the clothing department, a woman who looked like Terry Hatcher kissed up to a woman with awful frizzy red hair, who revealed that she was up for a directing award. Terry gushed that she always saw Frizzy on Facebook, but Frizzy insisted that she rarely logged in.
It was a joyous day, and I achieved a dizzying level of shopping-endorphins without having to spend any money. Like any addict, I can’t wait to do it again.
leather jacket by Gar-de, ill-fitting old jeans by Wrangler, blue shoes by Adidas, Chanel bag, cane from Rite-Aid.