If you haven’t seen The Big C, it’s a Showtime series about a spunky woman who has cancer. A subplot features Gabourey Sidibe as a teenager whose boyfriend is a Russian immigrant, played by Boyd Holbrook, a popular male model and houseboy-quality hottie.
Every single time this couple appears in a scene, I can’t help but mutter, “As if” or “Oh please.” I don’t know how my husband can stand it.
I feel like if you’re not blind, you can see that Miss Sibide is too fat. She’s too fat to be healthy and too fat to be attractive. Maybe she’s a wonderful human being but she’s too damn fat.
Does the show want to make a statement about tolerance? Do we have to pretend that we don’t find the relationship absurd? Is it meant to challenge our “comfort zone?” For me, it only challenges my suspension of disbelief.
While it’s not fair that women are pressured to be thin, does that mean no one is too fat?
It doesn’t help that Miss Sibide’s acting is so awful in this role. I’m sure she was phenomenal in Precious, but when she drones “You just want to get into my pants!” like she’s reading the phone book, I can’t help feeling she was cast primarily to irritate or disturb us. And it worked!
Thoughts or recriminations?
Hmmm, well, I don’t find it implausible. It really does take all kinds. We don’t know what’s formed this man’s experiences or his preferences, which are often hard-wired from an early age. Or maybe he’s attracted to her fame and everything else is secondary? No way for me to know, but I wouldn’t rule out that he is actually attracted to her.
She looks like a 2-for-1 offer from Walmart!
Perhaps he is her feeder.
I caught this show a couple of times and quite liked it. Haven’t come across it in ages, unfortunately.
No she is way too fat and that is unhealthy. I’m not about saying you can’t be on TV because your fat but I feel like in a way that condones a super unhealthy lifestyle. It’s just ridiculous.
Long time listener, first time caller…
I am a fat woman. The average joe/jill on the street would look at me and think I wasn’t up to much. I have always been this way. My husband is a thin man. I think he’s very handsome. We met and fell in love and have been happy together in and out of marriage now for just shy of 19 years.
Needless to say, I think the plotline is plausible if exaggerated through casting/styling a little for TV.
And that would be the first time that’s ever happened, right?
You know when you see people’s weddings, and one partner says of the other “they’re the most beautiful man/woman in the world” I always think they must be lying. They’re probably not lying though, but it impossible to understand the preferences of others. (I am trying to say that people find all sorts of things attractive, but struggling to form sentences because I’m running a high temperature at the moment. Please excuse my inarticulate state)
No way around it. Gabby is WAY. TOO. FAT. I can’t stand to look at her. I didn’t watch Precious, I don’t read her interviews, I flip past her pictures, and I haven’t seen this show. I don’t care what statement the show’s attempting to make. I don’t care that Gabby was phenomenal in “Precious”. Gabby. Is. Too. Damn. Fat.
I don’t think anyone but her doctor can decide if she’s too fat.
Ugh. Disappointed reader on this one. And David’s comment was vile.
Maybe she is “too fat”, but we don’t know her life. People who have always been slim or normal weight are very fond of throwing out the “Just diet and exercise! Calories in, calories out! Simple thermodynamics!” catchphrases, and I myself, also fat, have a year’s worth of methodical, eating-disordered, weighed-and-measured food and exercise journals to prove that at least on an individual basis, none of those statements function the way you would expect. Ninety percent of people who have lost weight regain it in a short time, and our culture is founded on the maxim of “Consume! Consume! Consume!” including food.
What I’m saying is, it’s not so easy to “choose to be thin” if your body wants to be fat, and there is, or used to be, on the National Weight Control Registry site, some personal essays from long-term losers, detailing exactly what most of them sacrifice and suffer, every single day, in order to remain “normal” weight. I have a kind of idea, that might be full of shit of course, that the people in current generations who are forming the so called “obesity epidemic” are not moral failures, but more like the canaries in our mines — their more vulnerable genetics succumbing to our poisoned environment and culture.
That aside, anyone who has never in real life seen a fat person with a thin, hot lover, not ever, isn’t looking. Such couples do exist, in defiance of all the stupid charts showing that people are only attracted to other people in their culturally-mandated “attractiveness level”. Science!
Eh? What? Me? What did I say?
Have you finished watching the season? I don’t want to spoil it for you if you haven’t, but I love this show and have seen it all. Based on this blog, I’m guessing you haven’t seen the finale?
Well, of course the Russian houseboy wants to get into her pants! Denial gets you anywhere. Denial and giving new names to old problems.
In Denmark many obese women these days refer to themselves as “erotically chubby.” In the name of gender equality, I wish I knew the politically correct term for excessively overweight men, too. Of course, being the uneducated dolt that I am, I still call both groups (or should I say “members of both communities”) too fat.
How many of us are truly non-eating-disordered?
I do find in life that people sort of tend to cluster by relative attractiveness, and when there is a big disparity, there’s usually something else going on – and it often doesn’t end well.
I don’t know, Sister. You’re entitled to your own views and I’m not about to go all Jezebel on you – but seeing couples with a large, how should I say it, weight difference between them and finding that questionable, how different is that in principle from couples with a huge age difference between them? Like 3 decades-plus. We’re often ok with the latter, even if it does squick us out/we don’t understand why.
As for the fat girl/skinny guy thing, I can never claim to understand other people’s preferences but maybe she’s got something going for her. Like being really funny or just nice, or great taste in music or something. That shit doesn’t depend on how big you are.
^I don’t know if any of that even made sense, but I badly need to go to sleep and will be back to this discussion tomorrow.
Let’s face it – she is overweight; is she “too fat” to have a hot boyfriend – no, I know at least two couples like that in real life, they are together for a few years by now and getting along just fine. Who knows where our preferences come from…speaking of which, I know a family employing a nanny for their two young boys. The nanny is very nice and loving, and has the biggest not “enhanced” breasts I’ve ever seen; you can put a tray with a tea service on her bust. My guess is, the boys are not going to be focusing on girls’ legs when they grow up.
Yes, I’ll put my judgey-pants on and say I think she’s too fat. Sure, I get the ‘it’s up to her doctor to say’, although I still don’t see how that could be good for her joints for example, even if her cardiovascular system is tip-top.
I do also tend to side-eye large weight disparities in coupling, although admittedly MUCH more so in the fat man-thin woman pairing. Too many stereotypes in that one.
Too fat. And it is a shame, because there are all sorts of people who will say “sa long as she is comfortable”. She isnt, and we all know it. And she isnt happy about it.
There is a reason people overeat, and binge. Perhaps she isnt ready to look for, or deal with hers.
Which I totally understand.
Is Gabby too fat?
That question is incomplete. Too fat for what, exactly? For love?
No human being should be too fat, too skinny, too old, too black, too anything, for love.
Does the fictional relationship require a suspension of disbelief? Maybe. Conventionally attractive people generally date other people who are conventionally attractive. I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t do a double-take if I saw Gabby’s character and Hot Russian Boy walking down the street. However, there are always outliers, and I’m sure we all know at least a few odd couples in our lives.
The real question is: why should the existence of this fictional relationship upset you?
Because if we allow even the idea that ugly fat women are lovable to sow itself in the acrid soil of pop culture, then what the fuck’s all this Weight-Watching, TurboInsanityP90Xing, “Shape” magazine-subscribing, Fatpocalypse’s-gonna-git-you sturm und dranging narrative most women call their lives about then, right?
I was going to opine, but then I remembered the shit people say about me and my 25-years-older husband … so I’ll shut up.
Yes Gabourey is fat. She clearly isn’t average weight or Hollywood weight. Nonetheless she’s gotten successful without having to completely change who she is or what she looks like. I think it’s a good thing she continued to pursue acting and got a role on a show. She didn’t let her weight stop her from working in an industry that is known for skinniness nor did she find it necessary to drop a whole lot of weight (Jennifer Hudson?)
Obese people don’t need people saying you can’t do this because you’re fat. There’s all sorts of people in the world and I think it’s narrow minded to think fat people can’t be in a relationship with a hot houseboy.
Flagella – welcome aboard.
TheBadkate – I hear you.
David – Yes, you can be an uncouth swine sometimes, but it suits you.
Frankly, I think she is too fat but that’s her problem.
I’m more concerned with the scrawny, wishy-washing look male person.
He can’t even sit up straight!
Nasty, dirty looking creature.
There, has that covered it all?
I don’t think it’s unbelievable, although I do agree Gaby’s acting in this show is of a poor standard. There is something called BBW which means Big Beautiful Woman. You’d be VERY surprised how many good looking, physically fit men find morbidly obese women attractive. Very large woman are actually very sexualized in their physical presence. When it comes down to it everyone is a porn category.. I have sympathy for all humans. Regardless of how they appear externally. I have a disregard for gender and people often mistake me for a woman and I am fat. It feels like some kind of revenge for large women, especially if a man says something like “fat slut” or “fucking fat bitch” to me (which happens rarely) . Haha, you fucking fool, I’m not a woman. I could write alot of things, personal experiences, justify- but there’s no point because being fat is the ultimate sin.
I’ve never seen her films or tv performances, but generally speaking people from the South Pacific and from western Africa have the “Large” gene, plus they’ve lived for thousands of years on a starchy diet. Most African Americans are descendents from west African slaves (..you’ve noticed the east Africans are slim, the Somalis, the Kenyans and Ethiopians?) Perhaps 85% of her weight is per-ordained.
I admit I, too, flinch when TV occasionally features “real” people, but not because these people are to be blamed for being eye-sores. It’s because TV makes less money if it features the non-ideal, the handicapped, the wrinkled and the aged. I’m just glad she’s given the chance to earn a decent pay-check on rare occasions.
The issue (for me anyway) is not whether skinny people can possibly find it within themselves to fancy fat people. It’s whether this lady is TOO fat; as in life-threateningly, morbidly-obese fat. And yes, she is. Look at her!
The morbidly obese seem to escape public reprimand in a way that anorexics never do. If you exchange Precious for an advanced anorexic this discussion would have been quite different.
Other than being depressing as all hell, the other thing I remember thinking while watching precious (which my mom forced me to watch) is WHOA she can’t even dig herself out of this situation with a makeover! as in most hollywood movies!
too fucking fat. But then again, I am blessed with an anorexic mother and a grandmother who says she wants to start a fat farm.
wow. i used to think you were funny or at least a good read. unsubscribe.
Never mind, ‘Sis’, you can’t win ’em all!
$10 says Netta is overweight and unhappy about it.
So what do you think when I consider you “Too damn thin”? All about preference. Don’t like? Don’t look? We’re none of us put on earth to visually please another. I’m a fucking genius, I know, save your adulation. I also truly believe weight is no always a good indicator of health. My slim dad was a sick bastard and died early, my hefty mother who smokes is still going at 84, can’t friggin’ kill her with an axe.
You know, just…let be. Or not, I could care. I just like reading…anything.
I think the bad role model argument is kind of bullshit. God forbid young fat girls see women that look like them on TV and feel like maybe they don’t have to hate themselves! I really can’t think of any reason why I should be concerned with how fat people are. Their health is their business.
I’m not fat, but I don’t see women that looks like me in the media. I have cellulite. I’m kind of hairy (Partially by choice; I don’t shave under my arms anymore, but I’ve always had hairier arms than most women). I have other “flaws” that I could try to fix with various products and procedures. It’s interesting that most of the things we learn to hate about ourselves could be changed if we just spend some money, isn’t it? I’m not saying everyone who doesn’t find fat people attractive is an asshole, but it’s worth thinking about where our strong opinions about other people’s bodies come from.
@ Suspended: Money has the literal ability to talk these days? That’s something!
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Yes, she is fat. I still think she has some attractive qualities, though. She wasn’t “phenomenal” in Precious, but she did a great job.
I guess that I don’t really understand this post, Sister Wolf. On one level, it seems as though you are just saying shame on the producers for clearly exploiting her fatness. On another level, it seems as though you are saying that it is unbelievable that a fat (black) girl can have a cute (white) boyfriend?
Maybe they had another actress in mind, but for whatever reason, they wanted to give her the part? Maybe they’re trying to be quirky. I have no idea, I don’t watch the show…
Netta, my thoughts exactly.
Sister Wolf,
You are entitled to your opinion, as ignorant as it is. But, you should know that there is a simple solution to your problem. Consider this analogy: if someone were to complain to me that you are too ugly to look at and that they couldn’t stand seeing the pictures of your ugliness on your blog, I would simply tell them not to view it. Thus, I give you the same advice. If you have a problem with Gabourey Sidibe’s fat, then don’t watch her show. Doesn’t seem that hard, does it?
Personally, I’d rather have Gabourey’s body than your face.
I’m sure in defense of your cruel opinion, you would say that being judged and criticized solely by your physical appearance is no big deal. But, I think that’s just what ugly, judgmental people say.
Heidi – Good points.
David – Prepare for incoming.
EJ – Yeah, I know what you mean, But usually it isn’t such a disparity in the relative attractive of the couple.
Maura – Sorry you’re disappointed. I wanted to explore this issue and see where other people stand on it. We let Duff be a s exist pig here because it’s his shtick.
Bit of a typo there, ‘Sis’, I think you meant ‘sexy pig’, surely!
My thoughts are go fuck yourself, and shame on you.
First and last time reader, will be bouncing this all over the net where I can and to be honest I really do hope people come down on you hard.
I’m not fat.
I used to be fat.
Either which way it really doesn’t matter.
Your comments are vile and disgusting and you should really be ashamed that you are that bitchy a person.
You’ve shown yourself in a really horrible light, and it’s a shame as I had initially heard good things about your blog.
Unfortunately you just come off as an asshole.
I just think it is interesting to see finally a tv show about a big lady with a skinny man. There is sit com after sit com about fat unattractive men with skinny hollywood looking women.
As for her health? not my business.
Oh dear, ‘Sis’, you do seem to have upset the Heavy Brigade. However, after going back to re-read your post I was struck by this:
“when she drones “You just want to get into my pants!””
I couldn’t help wondering if she offered a map, or perhaps a satnav. And if that poor, little, skinny houseboy ever finds his way to ‘Never-Never Land’ where, I would guess, the sun don’t shine, will he require a rescue mission to get him out?
Right, come on, chaps, who’s volunteering? Dexter, this your chance!
Claire – Nope, don’t try shaming me. I will express myself how I want to and I will have opinions that some people don’t like. By all means, fuck yourself too!
Sera – So, I am the bitch but you’re a stranger calling me an asshole. May I comment on your blog? No? Kindly refer to http://www.godammit.com/2010/09/19/free-speech-and-my-hair/
I will say whatever i feel like saying. Some models are too thin, in my opinion. And some people are too fat. Others are too full of botox. This is an opinion. Kiss my black ass, how’s that?
Patni – I don’t like those shows with fat unattractive men…I love Roseann Barr but can’t stand whatshisname, that guy who played her husband. Watch the internet go wild with fury because you can’t appear to notice when an actor is morbidly obese. Instead, you must celebrate it.
Annie – Hahahahaha, I laughed about your mom.
annemarie – Yep, yep.
I lived with two obese women with very fit, attractive boyfriends and I know of many other partnerships that are similar so I don’t really find the premise of this show absurd. It’s just an unusual coupling to find on a non-reality television series. Human sexuality spans such a wide spectrum–the span of which is very rarely portrayed in the media–that I’m not really surprised some men and women prefer obese partners. I also think, despite how cynical we all are, there are many people who value personality above all else. Do I think obesity hurts the relationship? I definitely think that it can be a serious issue just because of all the physical issues that can come with obesity: decreased mobility, energy, and lifespan. Some obese women also have difficulties conceiving. I think it can be emotionally trying for the couple to face the possibility that one person in the relationship may have a significantly reduced lifespan or have serious medical problems due to their weight. But I don’t think that these issues are necessarily so serious that it persuades attractive, fit people from becoming romantically attached to their heavier partners. And, above all else, I don’t think these issues should bar obese individuals from finding love with people who are willing to love them and accept their weight. Coincidentally, I also think obese individuals with unhealthy lifestyles are more likely to adopt healthier lifestyles if they feel supported by their loved ones and not shamed into adopting weight loss measures.
Danielle – Thank you so much for you comment. I feel enlightened by your thoughtful observations. Of course, personality and character are what we love, not appearance. And the person we love is beautiful beyond words, due to who they are.
I wonder if it’s acceptable to call anyone too fat, even if they weight 600 pounds. I see that the word “shame” has a relatively new political resonance but I don’t subscribe to this. Slut shaming, Fat shaming, are there other types of shaming we should be aware of?
You know how all these women have duck-lips now? What about Duck-lips shaming? If you use a derogatory word about anything, the response of STOP SHAMING US!! is not always helpful, in my opinion.
Personally, I have body-image problems, fibromyalgia, insomnia, a hammer toe, severe bone-loss, myopia, several phobias, and my family includes people who are mentally ill, autistic, drug addicts, anorexics, and one obese person. I am not ashamed of anything or anyone but now readers can have more ammunition if that is their goal.
Again, thank you for making me think about human behavior and sexuality.
The word “Fat” has become wildly taboo. This modern phenomenons roots are based in denial and to some extent, lies. Few fat people ever accept that they are fat, which I find pathetic. Beth Ditto is adored for being fantastically and refreshingly candid about being Fat (yes, calling a spade a spade has now become so rare in our society that its celebrated.) I’ve seen the words “voluptuous” and “Curvaceous” used in, always, the most ridiculous self descriptions. No! You’re fat. You don’t have to try and sexy it up. It’s degrading. The excuses are always endless, too. I don’t doubt for a second that there are genuine medical cases and for those people I have compassion, but those are few. The real problem is gluttony and laziness and denial. If you can’t face up to the word FAT how the hell are you going to face up to the reality of being FAT?
This woman is TOO fat. You expressed that in a manner I found quite unbitchy, Sister Wolf. You’ve just struck a few people’s calloused Achilles heals but there is no way around it, when your body looks like it’s actually melting, you are TOO fat.
annemarie took the words right out of my mouth. She is too fat, it is unhealthy for her and for people to think that this is OK and normal. If you take the number of pounds that would bring her to a healthy weight off, and then subtract that number from someone at a healthy weight, I have no doubt that everyone would agree: that person would be disgustingly and dangerously underweight.
It may be that it is easier to survive being ridiculously overweight than underweight, I don’t know. But the issue is clear to me.
S.W.: I have also thought about the phenomenon of ‘shaming’ as a socio-political issue. I do agree that, medically, there is a certain point where physical health becomes a practical impossibility due to immense weight. I think that the ‘pro-fat movement’ often glosses over this medical fact. At a certain weight (500+, for example), mobility becomes nearly impossible–and, as much as I love the Internet–I think almost everyone can agree that physical mobility is a huge contributor to enjoyment of life and physical health. If you need someone to help you turn over at night so you don’t die in your sleep, then you are likely too fat to be happy. You are also likely too fat to work, have sex, be healthy, and a whole slew of other things that many people want to do with their lives. You are likely to be suffering from diseases that are very expensive to treat. I think many people who are concerned about the growing rate of hyper-obesity are concerned about the lives of those who suffer from the condition and the question of who bears the costs of hyper-obesity.
At some point, the health of the population will begin to influence the economy and our political system. Someone has to pay for the medical expenses–medication alone can cost hundreds of dollars a month–as well as for a growing population of, well, sick people. I think it is incorrect to say our society doesn’t have a stake in the health of the population. Our society loses something every time there’s an epidemic (AIDS, polio, smallpox) or a rampant damaging habit (smoking, alcoholism) that strikes down a portion of our population that could be productive painters, writers, musicians, mathematicians, engineers, etc. To lose people for reasons that don’t need to exist is truly a tragic loss.
I deeply disagree with some portions of the ‘pro-fat movement’ in the sense that we should discourage obese people from adopting healthy behaviors that often lead to weight loss and disease prevention. We should encourage everyone to take care of their health. But I also believe that the modern individual’s relationship with food is extremely complicated and complex. Weight loss for obese individuals can be difficult because they have to reconsider their relationship with food in a way that doesn’t completely cut out food. Not to mention, the ‘science of weight loss’ is not very exact. You can count calories and do intense workouts…and sometimes still gain weight that week even if you do nothing wrong. People losing weight have to literally steel themselves for the possibility that they can do everything right and still not see the kind of consistent results they want. That is really tough for a lot of people.
To me, ‘shaming’ is simply inducing guilt for past actions without a sense of empathy for the person’s current condition–and also it lacks a sensitivity to individual needs. Some people eat too much because they believe they are worthless. Some people eat too much because of a traumatic event in their past. Some people eat too much to cope with stress. Some people eat too much because they never had easy access to food as a child so they literally hoard food. And, of course, some people eat too much because they are gluttons; and they’re fat because they’re lazy. Shaming doesn’t acknowledge these reasons for ‘fat.’ It just says, “We don’t care what your story is, we’re not going to treat you as a person until you become thin!” or “You won’t deserve these things that other people deserve until you become thin!” I think it’s important to be able to identify a real health issue and effectively approach that person about it in a way that is helpful in light of their personal needs.
Finally, I’m a huge proponent of freedom of speech and I don’t think anyone should be censored. I certainly think widespread obesity has social and political ramifications, which places it squarely within the traditional scope of first amendment rights. It’s scary, but over half of all Americans are overweight or obese–and, one day, Congress is going to have to address our medical system in order to accommodate higher than normal incidences of heart disease, stroke, and diabetes. I don’t agree with silence on the issue at all–but I support awareness more than I support what I view as ‘shaming.’
recently I found myself thinking about the stigma attached to fat people. They are simply people of another size. Of course they might have health issues, but should they be stigmatized? Condescended to? Called out in a public forum? It’s like the turtle condescending to the hare or vice versa. and it’s not at all unrealistic that a conventionally attractive male would enter into a relationship with a really big gal. happens all the time. good to show that on tv, if you ask me.
She’s too heavy, by any standard.
But that doesn’t mean that guys can’t dig her. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, and it’s none of anybody else’s business.
sonja – I hope you don’t feel I’m “calling out” this actress “in a public forum.” She is a well-known actress, not some civilian nobody. I sincerely believe that male models are attracted to conventionally beautiful women (or men.)
I often wonder when I’m watching TV or a movie, “What does that character see in him/her???” In The Big C, Miss Sibide’s character is bratty and extremely annoying. There is nothing to suggest, What an appealing person! There is also a cliched gay character (dying gay man= saint) and a cutsey bi-polar guy. Bad writing all around, although I guess I admire the guts to tackle cancer in a TV comedy/drama.