Vagina Monologues Texas Style

Authors : gretchen bell aka dolly python , and Monique.   2010

A bare   stage. Two friends at computers. A hint of spittle at the corner of each mouth. They speak the words in unison as they type.

AND,   I mailed you a complimentary necklace and a can of Raid for your vagina!

It is a proven fact you have sand in your vagina you have confirmed it over and over and over again.   (hahahahaha)

Gretchen wants to know if you want Uncle Jerry to unclog your vagina with his pencil dick.

P.S. “Dolly” says that she imagine you in a “Wild At Heart” moment, reapplying your lipstick over and over with sweat, tears, and black hair dye running down your face. And a very blown out vagina clumped up with gorilla glue and cat litter.

You sure don’t have a problem with bitches being psychotically obsessed with you as long as their crawling up in your sandy vaginA now do you?   What an ass you are.

P.S. Gretchen is going to dress up as you for Halloween! She’s going as a sandy vagina. I’m going to be Uncle Jerry and I’m gonna help clean you up.

the women continue to type as the curtain falls, and a lonely trumpet can be heard in the distance, playing “The Yellow Rose of Texas.”

This entry was posted in Art, Disorders, revenge, Words and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to Vagina Monologues Texas Style

  1. Romeo says:

    I don’t know what the deal is with Texans and genitals, but apparently we can’t even be trusted with toys of promiscuity.

  2. Michelle says:

    But it’s just so random. “Sand in your vagina?” Where do they get that from? (No, never mind, it was a rhetorical question. In case you know where they got it from, keep it to yourself. Ick.)

    I do know an actual Very Nice Person who lives in Texas. Somehow I think that needs saying.

  3. HelOnWheels says:

    These hags need some serious professional psychological help. And they should use all this excessive spare time and energy they seem to have to make the world a better place…starting with some therapy.

  4. Sister Wolf says:

    Romeo – “Texas Dildo Law” = hahahahaha!

    Michelle – I know a nice one, too. He’s not from Dallas, though.

    HelOnWheels – Yes but now it’s Art!

  5. Tanya says:

    According to Urban Dictionary: “To have sand in one’s vagina means to be bothered, annoyed, or angry about something.” Umm…see blog name and header.

  6. Mo'Nique says:

    Umm…when you put something in quotes, Tanya, you’re supposed to, umm…quote directly. Not…umm…paraphrase. Umm…it’s weird how…umm…passive aggressive it is…umm…when people say umm…like they trying to say “Umm…I don’t have a horse in the race or anything, but I’m just trying to be a…umm…a neutral reality check and umm…the Urban Dictionary says that sand in your vagina just means to be angry, so umm…it’s not like they were saying anything that you…umm…Sister Wolf didn’t already…umm…say about yourself. Umm…see blog name and header.”


    Tanya. People like you are why blogs like this are written. Umm…

  7. Sister Wolf says:

    Mo’Nique – I have told these Tanya’s not to begin a sentence with “umm” OVER AND OVER AGAIN! They can’t seem to learn anything.

  8. Tanya says:


    When I put something in quotation marks, I did quote directly. In fact, I copied and then pasted. I am sorry if you were bothered by the “umm.” It was a stylistic device meant to reference the immature voice I detect in your writing.

  9. Sister Wolf says:

    Tanya – Umm…”immature voice” in whose writing? Mine or Monique’s or Mo’Nique’s? I think the Umm actually obscured the meaning of your comment.

  10. Hallie says:

    LOL who the hell is this person?

  11. Tanya says:

    @ Sister Wolf – Haha. The last comment was for Monique. Your writing is solid, and I’m sure Mo’Nique’s is as well! I will be more clear next time. Good thing I’m not trying out for Jezebel! What I meant to say is that given it’s meaning, the original “sandy vagina” comment posted by a Texas troll was redundant due to the title of this blog, which serves as a disclaimer.

  12. These horrid women have spoiled my lasting memory of a night in Greece skinny dipping in the warm Mediterranean sea and *cough* splutter* going all the way in the sea with the moon above and then afterwards lying naked on the beach even though it is 1am to dry off. Then having to brush sand off which of course had got everywhere. But it was lovely fine sand and all part of the fun. Tell these horrors they are no fun, they are so mean and vulgar – oh yuck why are they so vile. They besmirch even nice things like vaginas with their horrid petty minds.

  13. Ann says:

    Christmas is coming, and the plane tickets to Dallas have been bought. I am especially excited to go to that fine city this year.

  14. sonja says:

    certain people should have to audition to comment on your blog, Sister. not naming names (Tanya et al.).

  15. Kat says:

    Sometimes it scares me that I spend time on blogs trying to understand the lives of people that I don’t know…

    Nevertheless, I can also learn things: how low it can get, how much pleasure can some women have talking about someone else’s vagina and how verbally violent can someone be for futile reasons.
    To see that some people feel the need to avenge someone who doesn’t need it, probably doesn’t care and dresses like a clown, it is a shame and terrifying in the same time. Shameful for the motives, terrifying for the form this “mission” took.
    Those women are fascists (psychotic ones…).

    Even though I surprise myself for writing a comment on a blog, I couldn’t help it.
    (sorry for the language, my english is rusty…)

  16. Sonia Luna says:

    Are those two still at it?

  17. Tanya says:

    SW: Fuck! Is “Mo’nique” not Monique the Troll? I’m confused.

  18. damaia says:

    Holy shit, Sister Wolf. You’re so cool that instead of just insulting you, your trolls actually write you performance art scripts. I am duly impressed.

  19. Natalie says:

    I sooooooo do not get sand in the vagina.

  20. Jazmin says:

    Ugh, just plain ugh.

  21. Sister Wolf says:

    Natalie – No, we don’t get it but maybe it’s like Jazz: an untrained ear can’t appreciate its beauty. This sandy vagina shit could be MILES DAVIS for all we know!

  22. RLC says:

    “They besmirch even nice things like vaginas with their horrid petty minds.”

    Can I just say, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Sand in the vag isn’t too much of a problem, nothing a simple douche won’t fix. Luckily you appear to have two of them readily available.

  23. Sister Wolf says:

    RLC – Hahahahahahhaha! If only you guys could see the new missives from today and yesterday…..pure poetry!

  24. Sister Wolf says:

    Confidential to the authoress of this play: Calm down, you big baby. Get back to your karaoke and rehab. I’m not coming to Dallas! xo

  25. Sister Wolf says:

    Tanya – Mo’Nique is a social critic who we like. The other one is the other one.

  26. BethUK says:

    I much prefer the title ‘Waiting for Godammit’.

    I thought these people had business and lives? Surely they must have something better to do than send you vaguely misogynistic insults all day. No? Sad.

  27. HelOnWheels says:

    I love the regulars on this blog!! BethUK gets the Samuel Beckett Semi-Obscure Absurdist Reference & Pun Award. Brava! Well done.

  28. It’s just weird, if you ask me. Why not chose some other way to insult you rather than comparing body parts? It’s especially unbecoming of Sea’s sweet teatime companion. When I was her age we all still used euphemisms and hushed tones. Tut tut. The youth of today.

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