What Is A Nervous Breakdown? Part I

snake-pit

I think I know the answer! Because I’m on the brink of one!

Haven’t you always wondered what people meant by the outmoded term “nervous breakdown”? I used to picture someone in a padded cell, just lying on a bed, maybe trembling, probably unable to speak, disheveled, with vacant eyes.

I’ve even wished I could have a nervous breakdown, because then someone would take care of everything while I just drooled quietly in a nice sanitarium somewhere.

And then at some point in my life, I decided that I was out of luck, I just couldn’t break down even if I longed for it, it just wasn’t in the cards for me. I’m not the type, I would explain bitterly when discussing someone else’s mental hospital experience.

Well, I have news to report. After enough days of struggling with my website and talking to IT guys who all sound slightly stoned and none too bright, after listening to all these Richards and Darrens and Ethans giving conflicting theories and reasons why things should be working now or not working now, I am a mess.

The sense of powerless multiplied by anxiety and frustration is truly debilitating.

The only relief came in the form of Lauren, an angel who knows all about WordPress blogs and so much more I can’t begin to tell you. She knows about Juggalos, for fucksake. She knows about everything, believe me.

So she agreed to bring my blog back from the Invisible White Screen of Death.

Meanwhile, perhaps sniffing out my anxiety all the way from Arizona  (or tipped off by the IT guys at Bluehost) my web security service, SiteLock, alerts me that I have some malware that urgently needs to be removed. If I don’t remove it, Google will hate me, everyone will hate me and my whole world will end.

However, despite having paid $500 for a year of their security service, they want $300 to remove the malware.

Now, the best/worst part of this is a person names “Sean” at SiteLock. Sean will come out of the gate yelling at you like an angry husband you dared to question about his poker buddies.

Sean seethes with contempt for your ignorance and rage for your audacity in bringing up that $500. He compares the extraction of malware to surgery. Actual surgery. He tells you how careless you’ve been in using plug-ins.  And Sean never backs down. He is aggression personified.

Sean seems like the devil Himself.

But that’s because you have yet to encounter STEVEN, in billing.

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5 Responses to What Is A Nervous Breakdown? Part I

  1. Suspended says:

    Perhaps they gave you the malware…after all, it’s worth $300 to them 😉

  2. Bevitron says:

    God almighty.
    All I can say is, thank the abovementioned that you’re back – I was having Sister withdrawal, and I was all worried, too.

    That part where you wished you could have a nervous breakdown? I have always felt that way; I could’ve written those first three paragraphs myself, only I picture myself with a self-administered haircut, wandering lost through pale blue halls with my flip-flops on the wrong feet.

    I can not WAIT to read Part II. I’m terrified but still, I want to know about Richard in billing. Do you think Sean came to SiteLock that way, or did they train him?

  3. Kellie says:

    The aftermath of my breakdown goes like this:
    I have always envisioned myself in a wheelchair, with a blanket over my lap and legs. On the grass, but near a lake, with a tree. Nice and quiet and pastoral. Someone will come to collect me when it is meal time. The rest of the time, I nap and convalesce and enjoy not dealing with anyone.
    People come and visit me down by the lake, stopping by, really.

    Like you, I have never had the luxury of having a breakdown. Or an addiction that prevented me from functioning and working. Or anything that kept me down longer than the flu. When my mom died, my dad got to go to pieces and remained like that-helped by rx meds-for 10 years.
    I would actually rather be me.
    That was a revealing post, to myself.
    I would rather be me.
    I think I have had a breakthrough moment. Thank you Sister. If you need a blanket for your knees, lemme know. I will swing through and visit you. You wont, though.
    xxx

  4. Sister Wolf says:

    Suspended – Yes, that was my thought too, but it turns out there was no malware, even better, right??

    Bevitron – HAHAHAHHA! I can see those halls, yes. I realized I wrote “Richard” when his name was actually Steven. (Richard was just an innocuous tech guy.) Steven is a piece of shit and I’m glad that for a while I called him “Maven” because I misheard him. As for Sean, he sneered that he had “been doing this for 15 years.” Screaming at people? Swindling people? Nut sure what “this” meant.

  5. Sister Wolf says:

    Kellie – Wow, I just went through that epiphany along with you! Amazing. Me, I won’t give up my dream of needing that blanket. I can almost feel the breeze over the lake.

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