Last night, I was summoned by George W (described by a talking head on CNN as a ‘high-functioning moron’ in a rare moment of candor) and Grandpa to meet with Sarah Palin in her home-state, Alaska. She had fled there after suffering a nervous breakdown on national TV, due to a ruthless interrogation by Katie “Mengele” Couric. Even Grandpa himself couldn’t have stood up to this kind of merciless torture.
Sarah looked freshly tanned, but a little shaky. She led me outside to her backyard and pointed out Russia. Sure enough, I could see Putin in Alaska’s airspace! What the hell was he doing? Sarah started running around in little circles. It wasn’t panic; it was more like she was dribbling an imaginary basketball.
I helped Todd and Levi carry her to her bed, where we managed to sedate her by reading the bible and injecting some thorazine into her one remaining functional vein. Everyone wandered outside to watch Putin up in the sky. Little Trig tried to wave. Or maybe Piper was just flipping him around. Bristol’s water broke, but her dad advised her to ignore it until after the election.
When I arrived home, exhausted but proud to have been of service, I received this email from Sarah, who has managed to open a new Yahoo account with only a little help from Piper. I don’t think Mrs. P would mind if I share her letter with the good citizens of our exceptional democracy.
Dear Sister Wolf,
Our visit was so cool and awesome. I know you and John McCain agree that I can see Russia and that such as. The people in Russia who share our border and who fly around dropping the things and we must be prepared for the terrorists over there and not here on our own democratic soil as I have said as Governor many, many times. A pitbull is now overhead in the sky but haha I’m a hockey mom so I know what to do.
The First Dude is out with Bristol somewhere, and I know they are praying for John McCain to save this Fannie Mac type economy that the taxpayers must not blink! Not at all Charlie, no blinking, none. Nada.
John McCain is the answer to this country’s change, as I have said to the people, thanks but no thanks. That was when they asked me to take down the beehive. Over my dead body will I cave in to liberal elitists on the hair issue. No blinking on that one. Now McCain is hinting that I could best help this great exceptional country by taking a trip on an ice floe. I will pray on it and then decide what God wants from me. I can’t second guess Israel and neither can John McCain or that fucking bitch Katie Couric, excuse my French.
Again, I did not blink nor will I second guess Israel, or second guess what Israel may or may not or may yet want to do. Nor should we second guess Israel.
<3 Sarah
I love you!!!
Me too! Tonite is going to be FUN!
My how you’ve captured her cadence – her winning oratorical style! (My husband almost had to turn the TV off – he started squirming. did you hear Chris rock on Larry King? ‘She’s like Kim Kardasian on Dancing with the Stars. All that ass and she just can’t shake it!)!!!
OH I FORGOT! Photo thanks to Honeypants!
Sonja- “All that ass and she just can’t shake it!” I did hear him on Larry King. Hahahaha! This is a quote for the history books!
She’ll be high-sticking that pitbull in no time.
I’ll vote for her when H-E-Double-Hockesticks over floes.
Sonja:
Hahah I almost peed my pants…
Am watching the debate right now….better than a damn tennis match!!!!
Will there be an emergency PAP meeting tomorrow or do we have to wait till Monday night to dissect this?
The drink needs to be “What Str. Obama doesn’t seem to understand…”
SHUT UP GRANDPA AND YOUR YELLOW TEETH!!!!!!!!!!!
Every time he bared those yellow teeth and hissed “What he doesn’t seem to understand” I screamed aloud. And ate more guacamole. I’m close to throwing up.
What Senator Obama doesn’t understand… is that I just shit my diaper and I need another nap, and he keeps pronouncing Pakistan all funny. Can’t I just go get some more botox tommorrow and go to physical therapy to learn to lift my arms above my head??
ugh. I am moving to fucking Australia, tommorrow. It’s okay, I can see it from my house. And sometimes Australians fly around over my house!
Ash – Obama should have tried to high-five that ‘bad’ arm at the end of the debate. He needs to slap Grandpa around next time!
Ash – ugh, I want to move to fucking Australia too – and I’m not even a US citizen! Chances are, tho, that Australia will also be fucked up.
Did you hear the guy who responded with, ‘I can see the moon from my backyard – I’m an astrophysicist!’ Ahahaha!
I love you so much.
I have not laughed so hard in ages.
“John McCain is the answer to this country’s change, as I have said to the people, thanks but no thanks.”
my face hurts.
i guess that means i should be the official PAP Smear plastic surgeon.
Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working with cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to to be a heartbeat away from being President.
The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.”
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain.
“You know she didn’t get up there by herself, she doesn’t belong up there, she doesn’t know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.”
**PREDICTION**
Here it is: Track, Palin’s older son, the one with the Jesus fish tattoo she’s so proud of, the one who’s addicted to meth, the one ‘fighting for freedom’ in Iraq, will return in a body bag. The GOP will arrange for him to be killed very soon–this week even. This will allow Palin to drop out. I mean, what kind of cold bitch wouldn’t go back to Alaska to support her grieving family? McCain will choose another running mate, maybe even someone who can form complete sentences. Palin will have a ‘legitimate’ reason to drop out, and McCain won’t look like the impulsive old coot that he is.
Other possible manufactured tragedies to befall the Palin Family and allow the Rancid Whore to drop out:
1. Someone forgets that they left baby Trig on the roof of the SUV in the parking lot of WalMart, and they drive off. I think it’s Bristol who’ll do this. Is she old enough to drive?
2. Bristol has pregnancy problems. Though, this might be difficult to fake, given this is her second pregnancy, and second pregnancies are always easier.
3. The First Dude flips his SUV turning into the WalMart parking lot. He’s paralyzed. Now Sarah has two sets of diapers to change. And when Bristol’s baby is born, it’ll be three. She can’t do that and run for Vice President of the United States of Jesus.
4. Hunting accident. Not Sarah’s fault.
5. One of the littler girls is abducted. Don’t worry, she’ll be returned after Sarah drops out of the race.
I may sound like a psycho, but I honestly wouldn’t put it past the Republicans to arrange for Track to be killed in Iraq. Think about it.
Bex- We will have our meeting tomorrow night if you need one!
Jools – I’ve missed you.
Ash and Sonja – How about Iceland? It’s supposed to be beautiful…
dewayne – Okay then. You are Pap Smear’s Ball of Molten Rage!
Lucy – Hahahahahaha!!
Mark – You are one dark motherfucker. I like it. Poor Track. But he shouldn’t have impregnated his sister!
sister wolf! have you seen this? Fake Disney movie trailer for the Sarah Palin story: http://www.boingboing.net/2008/09/26/fake-disney-movie-tr.html
It is ridiculously accurate. and also almost as good as the SNL Tina Fey Sarah Palin impersonation.
xoxo
That post turtle thing made me laugh out loud in actuality rather than just metaphorically. Not to mention the many laughs from my husband when I read Sarah’s very special note to SW.
Meanwhile here in Australia we are just as afraid since we are kind of a satellite of the US (without the voting rights as I have oft complained).
Oh help. I’m laughing becasue what you write is so funny and I’m praying that for goodness sake none of it will come true. Please give me hope and that Obama will be elected!
When’s Track’s killed this week, the Republicans will have two choices:
1) Palin can drop out, and McCain will remain unscathed by his original choice of running mate
2) Palin will stay in the race, become a martyr for freedom, and gain millions of sympathy votes from middle-American morons.
There’s also McCain’s son. I haven’t figured out why the Republicans will have him killed in Iraq, other than for sympathy points.
Mark, that is so scary, and I wouldn’t be even slightly surprised if it happened. But I think she’d drop out and Leiberman would step in and all the elephants will be happy.
Ash, I don’t think Australia’s far enough. I was thinking more along the lines of Mars.
Heard on the streets:
If BS were currency, Palin could bail out Wall Street herself.
What insight!
I don’t think Grandpa did too badly in the debate last night. He abided by the cardinal rule: know thy audience.
And so, when he said “When I look into the eyes of Putin, I see three letters: K…G…B,” half of the silly old Republicans must have been just tickled to be reminded of the Cold War days when there was a right and a wrong and a good and an evil and another nice old fellow in charge called Ronnie Regan and he was old like McCain and a proper warlord. Things are all shitty now, so I say let’s rock the eighties again. Now all we need is an untreatable strain of AIDS to break out and decimate the gay population again and everything will be PERFECT!
The other half of the Republican audience simply thought he said “K…F…C,” so before they even had time to feel puzzled they had already begun to salivate and feel hungry, thereby entirely tuning out of the rest of the debate.
On another note, I liked Michelle Obama’s dress, except for the black patent laces hanging off the back zipper. She should have cut those off. As for fucking Cindy McCain– how can someone so rich look so fucking trashy all the time? Is it all the tranquilizers she’s on?
hey, where is Patrick H?
i don’t know what’s more brilliant, the letter or the picture! Sister Wolf + Honeypants for 2012 on the PAP Smear ticket.
and annemarie, I almost died when he threw out the Ronald Reagan’s – at least 4 times!
He had to throw it out because everyone knows that “Reagan” almost rhymes with “McPalin.” He meant to say the latter, but was confused. Grandpa needs some Aracept!
And speaking of air, I think I see Putin now. Gotta go to monitor his behavior. Oops, just an eagle that I took out with my sniper gun. Call Todd, I hear he’s good at taxidermy – just look at the little family he’s preserved. I think his sperm is mostly formaldehyde – Just look at how plastic Barbie Sarah looks! Maybe Toddsperm was injected into Meg Ryan’s lips and Madonna’s brain. I’d rather have a frontal Toddectomey than a Toddinfrontof me.
OMGGMAB– holy shit, you are one sick motherfucker. I’m recommending you for promotion.
just curious, but is that an acronym for “oh my god, get me a beer”?
annemarie – Cindy looks like a Mafia wife when she wears the big black sunglasses with her fried hair…but it’s important for Republican wives to have awful, dated looking style.
dewayne – I’ve been curious as well. ‘oh my god, get my ass back’ is another guess.
fashionherald – Honeypants is a talented artist. I’ll find out if she still has an etsy shop.
Just yesterday, my mom commented on how “gorgeous” Cindy is. I just walked away from that one. As for my etsy shop, I haven’t updated it, but I will do so immediately and send the link. In the meantime, anyone who wants to look at my stuff, just click here: http://s3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/jack_fairy/art/?start=40 (but ignore the outdoor art market photos, it’s not all mine).
Post Turtle, my new favourite thing.
You and Mrs Palin seem to be getting along, you checking out goiys or bitching about Cindy?
xx
You ARE my hero…always have been and always will be.