By popular demand, I’m going to do a halfhearted and highly truncated review of the show, focusing on the musical performances, okay? Here we go:
Janelle Monae opened the show and even though it was a wildly all-over-the-place showbiz mishmash, she is a great performer who deserves our praise. She’s come a long way from an obscure fashion darling with a great Rockability look, to queer-spokeswoman Superstar. If she’s good enough for Prince, she should be good enough for you. She can sing, she can dance, she’s really pretty and she still has great style. You go, Janelle.
Idina Menzel is still someone who I don’t know anything about. I don’t like her name. It sounds like a marriage counselor who won’t be able to solve your problems. Whatever. She has great big pipes like an American Idol contestant and she wore a questionable Princess dress. I don’t know why there were a hundred other singers onstage who shouted along in foreign languages. Do you? It was stupid. Sorry, Rosetta Stone and Babble users.
Elton John was probably good but all I could focus on was the big lacquer red piano. It was so beautiful! I want one. Who doesn’t love lacquer red, especially in a piano or home appliance? I like the purple suit with the red, one of my favorite color combinations. We will miss Elton when he’s gone, even if we’re sick of him at the moment. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Cynthia Erivo was fantastic, singing the song from her movie about Harriet Tubman. I had no idea that she was a singer! And Tony-winning Broadway star! Her performance was flawless, unlike her acting in the stupid Steven King series I’m watching on Netflix. What’s it called? She plays a weird psychic detective. It’s a terrible role and not her fault.
Crissy Metz is too fucking fat. Come at me, body-acceptance militants and fat-apologists! Too fat is too fat. It’s scary and unhealthy. Just admit what your eyes are telling you. I can’t say anything about her performance, obviously, because I’m such a big meanie that I didn’t notice her voice.
Billie Eilish singing “Yesterday” was surprisingly great. Surprising to me, since I have been braced to dislike her, given all the hype about her and her kooky green hair. But what a talented girl! She’s clearly on a bummer, and I can relate. At only 17, it’s quite a mature bummer, bringing to mind the young Fiona Apple. I think Billie will be a force in music much longer than Fiona was. I hope so.
Eminem was a big deal, apparently baffling the entire world with his appearance. Personally, I wasn’t baffled, just thrilled to see him, even though he could lose the beard, right ladies? He’s still a thrilling presence on stage, and dynamic as ever, even though someone criticized him for being winded at the end. I will have sex with him ANY DAY. Here’s what I wrote about him in 2011, and I’m standing by it:
Eminem confirmed his status as the rapper we’d most like to have sex with. An angry ball of rage, Eminem is on fire! He is the Ryan Gosling of rap. Talent plus intensity plus physical charisma = YES.
If there was anyone else, too bad for them.
There you have it. I hope you’re satisfied, you, the people!
Are you SURE you can’t make fun of some of the outfits, too? I guess everything was too safe and boring this year to even throw shade at. Great recap!
Thank you for this, but SURELY this is more to critique. I mean, I never watch the Oscars because I count on your exegesis.
Elton John’s song and performance were pathetic. I can’t believe he won.
Loved it, as always.
I have no idea who that ‘big-boned’ lady is but that sure is a lot of fabric. Paula Abdul’s face is fantastic. It doesn’t say “OMG! You’re my living nightmare” at all. Fingers went deep down the throat after that show.
I saw bits and pieces of the show. I hated the musical numbers, Elton is long in the tooth and old, Chrissy Metz is a walking h-bomb! Wtf? Were the dresses worn by Maya Rudolf and whatshername for real? Does Tom Hanks have to always be goofy? Did you love Jane Fondas seat of the pants, impromptu wrap up of the ceremony?i loved seeing old Hollywood coots with their too young tootsie girlfriends. It still goes on…..
Our given names are really a reflection of our parents, not us.
Regarding Billy Eyelash, I absolutely did not want to like her. She is SO outwardly annoying to adults. Then I listened to her and found that she is far more musically gifted than the turds we normally see within that age group and beyond. Plus I admire that she eschews hooker garb for frump (albeit Chanel frump. I’m sure her managers can’t WAIT until she hits the empowered slut phase). Her brother is a major part of her musical success and should get just as much credit. I hope she goes far but I’m getting a strong “future addict” vibe. Being so cool, so young is dangerous.
It’s funny how someone can be bone-thin and yet also a terrible human being and talentless hack. The universe is certainly a weird place.