Grammys 2011 for Dummies

Just quickly:

Rhianna needs to take up prostitution and get it over with. Lady Gaga needs to get the fuck over herself. J Lo needs to lose the hair extensions and her creepy husband. Mick Jagger needs to eat and Bob Dylan needs to give up smoking.

Cee Lo Green was a one-man mardis gra and Gwyneth should be killed for ruining his performance. Lady Antebellum needs to die but not until they apologize for everything. John Mayer channeled Johnny Depp but fucked up the ever-haunting “Jolene.” Babs Streisand was a waxy looking monolith but proved that a diva can hold a mic without all that crazy finger action.

Bruno Mars was a worthless punk as usual but Janelle Monae saved the day with her adorable androgynous rockabilly presence.   Justin Bieber fought back tears as he lost to the regal Esperanza Spalding, who will singlehandedly bring back the Afro according to me, god bless her.

Eminem confirmed his status as the rapper we’d most like to have sex with. An angry ball of rage,   Eminem is on fire! He is the Ryan Gosling of rap. Talent plus intensity plus physical charisma = YES.

Muse sang a song that sounded like all their songs and Arcade Fire demonstrated that committed, liberating rock lives on, even in the age of horrible American Idolesque canned pop and the dreadful scourge of Taylor Swiftian confessional bleating.

Does that cover it?

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32 Responses to Grammys 2011 for Dummies

  1. K B says:

    yep, that covers it.
    Lady Gaga is ripping off Madonna. Who the fuck does she think she is?
    Lady Gaga’s song kind of sounded like Madonna’s Express Yourself, a little tiny bit, right?

  2. laura says:

    Sister! look at this hillarious cring worthy blog-

    http://whoisarcadefire.tumblr.com/

  3. Cricket9 says:

    Arcade Fire are from Montreal, a location totally, completely unknown to the people on http://whoisarcadefire.tumblr.com; and apparently some Bieber fans are now rabid, sprouting green scales, horns, and defacing other artists websites.

  4. Juli says:

    I usually love Gwyneth. I did not watch the Grammys last night. I just watched a clip of Gwyneth singing though and I don’t get it. I actually thought she sounded good, but not the type of song she is really good at singing. Am I missing something though? What’s with the get-up on that dude and all the muppets? That was just weird and uncomfortable. If that was any clue to how the rest of the night was, I’m glad I missed it.

  5. Stacy says:

    I didn’t watch but was happy to hear Arcade Fire won (yay Canada!). Music shouldn’t be about how much money you have behind you in promotion and production.

    Oh – Eminem + Ryan Gosling = Hell yeah! Did you see Ryan Gosling on Jimmy Kimmel? When he stood up and walked… That’s how a suit should be worn. hubba hubba.

  6. honeypants says:

    Thanks for posting that Laura. If you hadn’t, I would have!

  7. Aja says:

    EEeeeeew Sister Wolf, Eminem???? I wish he’d go away. And stop with the face work too.

  8. Andra says:

    I’m glad I didn’t bother watching it. Once again.
    You are our eyes and ears.

  9. Taylor says:

    I think you about covered it, except that I think Drake is fucking adorable and I want to marry him.

  10. melissa says:

    LOL Yea you covered it! Thanks! Did not see it but the 2 min vid of lady gaga in a egg on the red carpet, plus snooki “interviewing” Nickki minaj summed up the grammys

  11. Dru says:

    The Grammies are idiotic, who can take an award ceremony that never gave Elvis a mainstream category award for his music seriously anyway?

    And I <3 Björk, wonder if Gaga was going for some kind of tribute to the swan dress?

  12. karin says:

    As usual, you said everything I was thinking.

  13. Carrie says:

    See? I didn’t even have to watch that crap because I knew it would be easily digestible in bullet-pointed form afterward…

    Worth noting that I was VERY pleasantly surprised by the Arcade Fire win – that was an unexpected renewal (momentary of course) of my faith in humanity.

  14. Ann says:

    Agreed on all points, especially Lady Gaga.

  15. Janet says:

    Esperanza is a friend of a friend, so I was happy to get a text from our mutual friend saying, “Esperanza beat Bieber!!!” during the Grammys. Love her.

  16. liz says:

    I couldn’t watch it, so thank you for confirming that there wasn’t a reason to. And oh god, I can’t even read Ryan Gosling’s name without thinking oh god so hot.

  17. annemarie says:

    john mayer sang Jolene??? oh my god. no doubt he completely fucked it up, the douche. how dare he. dolly should have bloody well stopped him!

  18. Ha ha ha. SW you’re so funny. Thank god somebody agrees with me on Rhianna, she looks like a tramp, always. Now onto important matters (or should that be Mathers) such as Eminem’s hotness, I couldn’t agree with you more. I would do any number of bad bad things to that man. He is just so perfect.

  19. Alicia says:

    @Juli he did that as a sort of tribute to Elton John’s performance with the muppets which was much more colorful…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iL3mYAsEp9g

    I quite agree with the Grammys summation. Beiber fans are the worst right now for the ridiculousness being spouted against Esperanza. The woman is a musician who more than deserved the award.

  20. Constance says:

    Eminem is repellant. And who the hell is Ryan Gosling?

  21. Sister Wolf says:

    Constance – You’re scaring me.

  22. andrea says:

    Terrific post Grammy analysis! My thoughts exactly except for Bruno Mars & gaga. I think they’re both talented. Is that so wrong?

  23. Andra says:

    Will Ryan Gosling turn into a goose when he grows up?

  24. Perucha says:

    HAHAHAHA Sister you are so funny.
    I’m so glad someone brought up the “Riri” issue. She looks like a cheap tramp like everyday. I’m not sure why, she makes a lot of money, right?
    I only disagree on Eminem. I fucking hate that douchebag. the sound of his voice and his rap style make me angry.
    I actually screamed and clapped when I heard Brabara say “The Sssssssuburbs – Arcade Fire”. I though, FINALLY true talent is recognize. So this really is about the music after all.

  25. Constance says:

    Sorry sis, I did not meant to.

  26. WendyB says:

    Dude, yes, yes, yes to Eminem.

  27. thanks for saving me the trouble of watching that 🙂

  28. Emily Bleak says:

    Eminem was at least a little attractive (in a way that I’d put a bag over his snivelly little face first) before he got hooked on Xannies and blew up like a balloon. Now he’s just tubby and whiny to me.

    Honestly, I didn’t watch as I was at a local show. Can’t agree with you on the Arcade Fire, they sound just like every other overproduced radio rock band to me – but I’m glad for the summary (I love hearing about trainwrecks) and I’m with you in hoping that Gaga vanishes into obscurity sooner rather than later. The world only needs one Madonna at a time.

  29. candy says:

    I had a dream once about Eminem, don’t ask me why I dreamt of him, but he was sexy in my dream (you know what I mean). I never listen to his music because I got a headache. Then, I watched SNL and there he was, the baggy pants, worn and showing his underwear butt, that did it for me! I just don’t get the sexy in showing your underwear and playing gangsta on scene.

  30. Jill says:

    Perfect Genius! I did feel a bit sorry for Babs, though. She seemed terrified.

  31. Ms. Fitz says:

    Agreed on all points. Especially Eminem. He gives me a lady boner. (hhahahahaha)

  32. One of my pop star pet peeves is how emerging singers tap their fingers on their mics. Carrie Underwood is the prime suspect!

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