God, what a bore! Where is Renee Zellweger, making that horrible face, when you need her?
All I wanted was for James Cameron not to win, so I shouldn’t complain. But this year’s show was one of the blandest ever. Luckily, my guests turned out to have various grievances against various nominees, so the awards were not totally devoid of drama.
We all know who won, so let’s get to how everyone looked:
Meryl Streep wore a white bed-sheet, J Lo wore a dresss made out of Styrofoam packing material, and Miley Cyrus looked like a low-end prostitute. Sarah Jessica Parker was the victim of a fake-tan accident and wore a dead animal on the back of her head.
Sandra Bullock fucked up her look with a day-glow lipstick, and looked strangely enervated. George Clooney wore his gray hair in little bangs and refused to smile for the cameras. Cameron Diaz looked less disheveled than usual but you could sense her need for a steady boyfriend. The girl from “Precious” was absolutely enormous, but no one was allowed to mention it. On the other hand, James Cameron’s billionth wife, Suzy Amis, is clearly starving to death. Send a social worker to their house, please! Maybe he’s keeping her locked up in the basement and forgets to feed her!
Kathryn Bigalowe is 58 and looks fantastic, having escaped from James Cameron before it was too late. Collin Farrell looked yummier than ever; when I asked “Who here does not want Colin Farrell?” only my teenager raised his hand.
The most fashionable woman of the evening was Sandy Powell, who won her third Oscar for costume design and came across as hilariously arrogant. But her whole look was shockingly cool compared to the parade of uninspired evening gowns. Down to her deep green nail polish, she looked fabulous.
On a personal note, I drank my first bottle of beer in nearly 4o years, because it was flavored with strawberry. Perhaps now my dream of becoming an alcoholic can finally come true!
I saw a little of this during lunch and the main highlight was the very fabulous Sandy Powell collecting her award.
don’t want to take Sandy Powell’s award away from her as she is an excellent costume designer but the Oscars are so predictable when it comes to costume – a period film always wins. This wasn’t always the case, still.
However Kathryn Bigelow’s win triumphs all matters. You see Sister Wolf we have been vindicated!
PS Just read Sandy Powell’s speech and she is a doll – she covered it and made the same point really well!! Good on her.
Suzy Amis = vegan.
Don’t ask me how I know.
Sandy Powell is exquisitely dressed. I love everything about this look. BUT. BUT. What about the HAIR? Not even Mia Farrow looked good with a close crop, even though it was practically invented for her.
The hairstyle gives Sandy a smug, cuntish hardface.
I am appalled. Bleh.
It’s on at 3’oclock on a monday morning here so fuck that – I watched breakfast TV for the results this morning. But yes I have a soft spot for The Posh Knacker that is Colin Farrell. Check my blog for a you-toob of him talking about his son. xx
What the fuck was with George Clooney and that broody stare? And JLo and her brand new fake accent? Who does she think she is, Madonna? Molly Ringwald scared me, badly, and so did Judd Nelson. I too loved Sandy Powell’s entire ensemble. Your exegesis: spot on, as usual.
Congratulations on drinking a beer – did you enjoy it? In the last many decades since you’ve had a beer, there have been huge strides in beer taste for those who don’t like the taste of regular beer. You can find apricot beer or blueberry beer, and you can mix these beers with other flavored beers and ciders. Coming from a functioning alcoholic such as myself, I truly feel you are doing yourself a great disservice by not trying them all and finding one that will help you achieve your dream.
Wolf Sister, I liked Sandra’s lipstick.
Helen Mirren looked divine.
SJP’s bulky hair piece must’ve been heavy. Her husband is creepy. I kept thinking about how he cheated on her and how it’s been swept under the carpet.
Sandra Bullock’s lipstick was beautiful!
I nominate Peter Sarsgaard for Cunt of the Week.
I nominate George Clooney for “cunt of the month” What an arrogant piece of shit….. and to think I once enjoyed him. Must have been in my days of drugs and alcohol.
Love Sandy Powell’s getup, red crop and all. That’s a good one in the eye for all those bland starlets- and I don’t care if she does have a hardface because of her haircut.
I really don’t give a shit who wins Oscars, or what they wear while winning them (unless they are Tilda Swinton, Cate Blanchett or Marion Cotillard)
I’m so happy I can’t bring myself to watch the Oscars. I just can’t take anymore of Hollywood congratulating themselves on being “great” anymore.
Sandy Powell was my favorite too.
And hooray for Kathryn Bigelow. I wish I looked like that at 40, never mind 58!
On a side note, though: Carey Mulligan is SUPER cute, bleach job notwithstanding. But that doesn’t depend on Oscars at all, for which, thank goodness (I’m in total concurrence with Aja).
Also, George Clooney was just in a clip on the news (the REGULAR news, mind you) from the Oscar red carpet and he sounded flat-out smarmy. If I were his date, I’d have walked off.
I realise this is comment-bombardment, but when I was growing up, we kids had something called ‘shandy’ which was a 50-50 mix of beer and lemonade whose recipe was nothing more complicated than: fill half a glass with beer and fill the rest with lemonade (and stir, if you’re feeling fancy).
I might be legal drinking age now, but I still try to turn my beers into shandies whenever I can. Do try it, Sister- you might like it.
Thank you for making me laugh about the Oscars, which usually I find a bit of a yawn; you are really on fire today!
I had a strawberry beer last night too 🙂 Thank you for commenting on Sandra’s lipstick. I thought the same thing; it totally ruined her otherwise perfect look. Oh, and Clooney’s girlfriend looks like a man.
annemarie! Thank you for reminding me about Sarsgaard! I was seriously irked by that eyebrow thing he did at the end of his drooling introduction of Carey Mulligan. I second your C-o-W nomination!!! I hope Maggie kicked his ass when they got home, smarmy bastard.
What concerned me about Sarah Jessica Parker wasn’t her tan. It was the face. It was strange. Her face didn’t look old so much as it looked like the skin under her eyes was melting off.
We were commenting on Suzy Amis’s skeletal appearance all night. Agree that the costume designer had the best outfit. Looking forward to lying in a gutter in an alcoholic stupor with you soon!
Adored Sandy Powell’s dress and bangles…hated the “hat”…for the life of me I can’t remember what that type of head covering is called…beanie keeps coming to mind, but I know that’s not right. Beret?
I have a girl crush on Bigelow.
Suzy Amis is a warning about becoming too thin…it’s horribly aging.
I have skillz in the alcoholic department…I’ll share.
I LOVED Molly’s dress…
Dru’s beer and lemonade is called a Michelada here…switch lime’s for lemon’s.
Oh my long comment got erased….
Mo’nique really annoyed my with her rehearsed speech.
Don’t even get me started on her “open” marriage and hairy legs.
A shame Abbie Cornish wasn’t nominated for her role in “Bright Star,” who managed to stay interesting and persistent even while dramatically moping over Keats. I can’t believe it’ll always be Oscar winner Sandra Bullock now. How were she and Meryl Streep (nominated by name alone for a silly little chick flick based on a media-friendly blog) long considered the front-runners? It was the perfect category for an upset. And it went to Sandra Bullock because our country loves football and the white messiah complex only protested in “Avatar.”
I screamed with delight when I saw Sandy Powell: She’s the best! She’s the best! She dedicated her Oscar to the little people of costume design. She was superior and British and shameless about it.
It’s not so important that that Gabourey Sidibe is “enormous”, more so that she is dressed badly. I think everybody notices that she is “enormous” they just tastefully focus on her fantastic personality!
Becoming an alcoholic is a fabulous idea. Follow your dream!!!
Give me a call when you get there. We can go together to an AA meeting and annoy everyone. I got thrown out of one of those thing during my first rehab gig in 1990 and have been plotting a revenge ever since. But I need a partner!
We should go and streamline their program. There are two many steps, if they ask me. We could protest at every one of them (“fuck this”) and introduce my 1-step program: “Step 1 – quit drinking.”
Step 2 – stop whining.
Miley always looks like a low-end prostitute.
I thought Sandy’s dress was not TV friendly – there being too much of a test pattern look to the fabric.
i thought the same thing about sandy powell. she looked cooler than cool.
you are also cooler than cool. cooler than me by a fucking mile. and i am REAL cool.
If you had the opportunity to fuck that devil known as Collin Farrell – which I would as he loves to give oral sex – would you ask him to bobby pin his goofy little bangs back? Seriously, they’re out of control!
I make it a habit never to watch the Oscars, except for the death roll.
I just can’t get over Sandra Bullock, she’s in the same league of lame with Demi. Whatever she might wear , she’ll remain bad actress in my blind eyes.
I though that Sandy Powell looked wonderfully modern and, happily, in control of her ensemble–most of the other women’s dresses seemed to be wearing them (or attacking them, if you’re J Lo or Vera Farmiga). Of course, Ms. Powell designs clothing, so she has a leg up.
Loved Sandy Powell’s entire outfit. Especially the hat. I can’t help it.
I agree about SJP. Why was she so orange? I assume it must be for a role.
But I actually liked Sandra Bullock and her lipstick. I even liked her whole look in the Barbara Walter’s special. She would make such a good goth.
The dress above has to be this one as it is “custom made” or what have you:
http://fashion.1stdibs.com/avl_item_detail.php?id=4457
I had always lusted over it firstdibs but seeing it on her makes it look pretty dull and curtainish. There are much better options on that site or elsewhere for $3,000. Especially for a costume designer!!!
Sandra’s lipstick was jumping out her face – but maybe that was the point? JLo super-extra-large hip was hilarious, and in general – there was serious ruffles overload. Kathryn Bigelow looked great. Are these mini-eulogies to the nominees becoming a habit? I find it boring and weird.
In a way, I was hoping that James Cameron would win so he could be Cunt of the Week (the speech he prepared must have been excruciating). Here’s a fun photo of him and his pet skeleton attending the premiere of “The Hurt Locker” back in June:
http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/vRm1jeLK7K4/Screening+Hurt+Locker+Arrivals/1bbGbB7W9-j/James+Cameron
WHO IS CUNT OF THE WEEK?????
Come on now, Meryl was wearing DRAPES. Sandy Powell was embarrassingly arrogant, but she wore the best outfit of the night, IMO.
So many of you all have been asking me how I was feeling at that Jesus moment. Let me tell you…
Fist they all showed that fine clip of mine where I acted. I acted when I pretended that I remembered that the birthday of Precious based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire was in the summer when really my baby’s birthday was in November. Yes, yes, in that scene, i acted. I said: “November. Yeah.” But, my character didn’t know.My character did not know. And I showed that. With a simple gesture of puttin’ my hands over my lips. And then they showed that scene where I was screaming at Precious based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire because I was so mad at that girl in that scene. I tell you, I was mad at that girl in that scene. And finally, I dropped the mask when I was crying and let My Truth show when I said: “Who, who, who is gonna love me?” I then I did a little defiant look where I was basically saying “And what?” I was vulnerable and challenging.
And then Mister Robin Williams called my name and I stood…I rose…I rise…and I kissed that man of mine and, after another kiss to enormous in the purple dress because that girl is My Wisdom and My Strength and My Light, I walked up on up to that stage just trusting in my heart. Just trusting.
I told the producers, when I am receiving my due, please cut away to Lenny Kravitz and Anthony Anderson and no one else and then cut back to me. And they did.
After removing my person from Mister Robin Williams as quickly as my blue Grecian-inspired Tadashi Shoji would allowed I took that Oscar that I deserved and I gazed…yes, I gazed at that Oscar cradled in my arms like my passionate man at night.
I spoke from my heart. My heart. Deep and wise. I rise. “First, I want to thank the Academy for showing (pause) that it can be about the performance (longer pause) and not the politics.” And then they showed me love like I knew they would but I wouldn’t wait for that because I had to get to Miss Hattie McDaniel because I had something to say.
“I want to thank Miss Hattie McDaniel (and I did a small, serious headshake because I was speaking from my heart) for enduring all that she had to so that I did not have to.”
“Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey, because you touched it (I said “touched it” from the heart) the whole world saw it.” And then I thanked all my ladies at BET and the strong, courageous cast from Precious based on the novel push by Sapphire.
And then I got my angry look. Oh, yes. Angry. Angry because it was I had to Speak My Truth. “Thank you so much to my Amazing (Capital “A’) husband Sydney. Thank you for showin’ me (because I’m not to proud to learn from a wise, wise man) that sometimes you need to forego doin’ what’s popular (um-hm pause) in order to do what’s right. An’ Baby, you were so right. God bless us all.”
And with that, not turning around, not acknowledging the applause that was screaming for me, I walked off that stage. I walked for Hattie, I walked for Oprah, I walked for enormous. But mostly, I walked for me. I spoke my truth.
Forgive my typos, Babies. I was feeling passionate and speaking from my heart.
Mo’Nique, babygirl, didn’t you actually thank your lawyers? That’s the part I loved most!
SJP looked like the Statue of Liberty, except orange. I loved Sandy Powell’s getup but mostly I loved the way she sashayed up to the stage like her shit will never stink and anyhow she already has two of those Oscar things. I’m so thankful that James Cameron didn’t get anything else – I haven’t even seen Avatar and already hate it.
Why don’t the Oscar people cut out some of the presenters’ idiot banter and give that time to the peons who win in the categories nobody gives a fuck about with accepters nobody knows – those sound people and all that are the ones who help make the movies half-assed watchable anyway, and it’s their big night, give them an extra 10 seconds to bore us honestly.
I think “I walked for enormous” should be the title of Mo’Nique’s book if she doesn’t already have one.
Bevitron – We don’t need to see Avatar to know we hate it. Good call on SJP!
Make Do – and look how Kate found that dress on 1st Dibs!!!!!
Skye – Well, clearly she needs a steak when she’s healthy enough for solid food.
Stella Mayfair – I thought the hardface went well with the whole look – jaded and sophisticated.
Hammie – I will look. xo
Ann – Judd Nelson was terrifying! I’m really excited about the beer opportunities, I will keep you posted.
Faux Fuschia – Yes, the husband needs to accept that he’s gay and move on. Then, SJP can relax and maybe eat more.
PeaceBeWithYou – What the hell was wrong with him???
Aja – I have no life, so I cling to shit like the Oscars.
IHeartFashion – We can strive to save up for facial fillers, at least!
Dru – she was adorable, I agree. Thanks for the beer tips, too.
pudfish – I wouldn’t go that far, but thank you! It’s a pleasure to serve.
Honeypants – I missed this cuntery from Saarsgard! I must’ve been peeing. I need to find a video of it.
Raison Girl – Her face was worrisome, I thought so too.
Iron Chic – Hahahahahahaha!
WendyB – It’s a date.
Jill – I like the word “beanie!”
Eliza – Amen. (I love Abbie Cornish)
WCGB – we should have watched it together!
kim – Yes, but.
Juri – I’m in.
kenju – It looked great on my TV!
my favorite – I think it’s too close to call, actually.
Natalie – GOD YES, I WILL ASK HIM!
Peter – So, were you bummed about Farrah Fawcett??
dust – Yep, same here. I wouldn’t see her movie for less than $100.
Miss Cavendish – Exactly.
Siouxie Law – Yes, she looked very nice with Barbara, much better.
kate – How did you do that?????????? Are you magic?!?
Cricket9 – We were disgusted by the eulogies, too.
Mark – Maybe they should make the Loser give their speech, too!
K-Line – Hahahahahha! Drapes…that’s what I meant!
no comment for me?
Mo’Nique – freaking brilliant.
I have been touched by Your Truth (uh-huh) and girl, that shit was somethin’ else. Truthy.