Are You More Than Your Ass?

Just when you forget to worry about the size of your butt, photos of famous butts rise up to remind you. Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell are both enjoying their holiday in Thailand, but only one of them has a butt worth showing off.

Kate Moss is a goddess as far as I’m concerned, but her butt speaks of long dormant months on a couch snorting coke. She has no muscle tone but plenty of cellulite.   Naomi may be a psychotic cunt, but try telling her butt that! It is perfection.

Today, I went for my first session of physical therapy post-hip injury, and I learned that my right gluteus medius muscle is now significantly weaker than my left one. If I don’t build it up through exercise, I WILL WALK FUNNY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! In fact I will have the Trendelenburg gait! As god is my witness, I don’t want the Trendelenburg gait, even more than I don’t want a sagging ass.

It’s unfair that women have to care about their asses when men get to walk around with any kind of ass. Even J Lo is being criticized for exhibiting a loss of ass-volume, as per this image from New Year’s Eve:

I would like to think that modern women are free of insecurity about their asses. I know there’s more to me than my butt. And yet…. As long as there are paparazzi around to document the fall of famous asses, I will be haunted by the worry of “How does my butt look in this?” I will feel judged by the state of my butt. It won’t matter what kind of person I am if my butt lacks merit.

First, I need to learn how to walk normally. Then, if I’m lucky, it’s back to being vain and superficial. I can’t wait!

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23 Responses to Are You More Than Your Ass?

  1. kate’s looks photoshoped. well, not sure.

    beautiful butt is a lot of work. godammit!

  2. I’m with you on the derrière inspection. I’m completely obsessive about my behind as it was my major asset years ago and I vainly cling to preserving it!
    I can only admire the glory that is Naomi’s butt. I might pin it on a wall and shout goddamit at myself to make me do gluts exercises.

  3. arline says:

    Luckily I love to exercise, and I do yoga all the time, that helps.

    I am glad you are physical therapy and have been advised to work out. I think that will be great for you on many levels, AND your ass will love it, while you love your ass.

    You used to work out, so your muscles will respond well to exercise again. Just be patient and enjoy…

    I wish I could teach you some yoga.
    🙂

  4. Ann says:

    My ass and I are approaching 40, as is Naomi Campbell. She can go to hell, having that ass at our age. It always took a lot of work to make it look nice and now it takes double the work.

    I wish I could watch Arline teach SW some yoga!

  5. Jenny Dunville says:

    Naomi’s ass is fabulous. It makes Kate’s look worse right off the bat. Sometimes, it’s a matter of choosing a more ass flattering swimsuit – Kate needs pointers here. I’m an expert @ this cuz my ass has always been a little bit out of control.

  6. David Duff says:

    ‘Sis’, just think of the ‘Elenburg gait as a trend and that you are starting it – gosh, you could be famous!

  7. Queen Marie says:

    With all the snow and all my layers, my ass is currently as wide as
    The Brandenburg Gate. *sigh*

    Queen Marie
    xxs

  8. omggmab says:

    Well my ass is flat and flabby, so no good in a swimsuit no how. Ballet, however, is excellent for toning butt and legs. I’m going to sign up now and see if I can at least get a 30 year old ass on a 50 year old body. As for more junk in the trunk, I’m just too white. That Naomi got some good genes, dammit!

    Sister, when PT is over, find someone to teach you some barr exercises. You’ll love it!

  9. Iron Chic says:

    Ugh. I have the Kate Moss gene then. I’m thin, don’t ever work out and eat like a fat person. The only time I didn’t have cellulite was when I was severely depressed and I lost tons of weight.

  10. hammie says:

    It took me over 35 years to learn to accept my ARSE – so I am accepting it as fast as I can

    Sister Wolf – work that odd butt cheek, work it! xx

  11. hammie says:

    ps: J-Lo looks like one of the Dr Suess thingies. xx

  12. dust says:

    I’m so happy with my little perky piece of bum! But, there are days when I envy all flabby ass people, when you guys just simply take an apple and just eat it, just like that, no preparation needed… Nature is a cunt…..
    Back to the subject, since I have a good one I’m inclined to say, YES I am sooo much more than my ass, I’m blond too!

    ( During my studies I had 15 kg more than usual and a running joke was “my lard is hard”, that made all the cellulite look like… flowers)

    Happy steps Sister, start polishing those heels that you hide under your bed!

  13. dexter vandango says:

    Why aspire to an attractive tush?

    Isn’t the general rule the more enticing the booty the less willingness to generously share it?

  14. I’ve got JLo’s problem – the baby stole my ass. It’s just gone. That and my eyelashes. Hazel can have my lashes, but I’m back to the gym for squats, lunges, and whatever the hell else I can do to get my ass back. I don’t have tits, but I’ve got legs and ass, and I need them both to get on track cause I don’t think I can get a boob job.
    And arline is right, you’ll be back in shape in no time thanks to your history. Welcome back to vanity and superficiality!

  15. my vanity gives me the strength to carry on! sometimes!

    here’s to nice bums. and to unslobbing in 2010. not that you were slobbing. i’m vainly talking about myself here.

    i saw naomi change in person once. should i say that? no. but we’ve all seen her so whatever. that girl is perfect.

  16. Aja says:

    Somehow I knew that was Kate Moss’ butt.

  17. Dru says:

    There’s one simple way to deal with your ass: don’t think about it and don’t twist yourself around to look at it in the mirror. Therein lies the way to peace (so says a girl with way too much junk in the trunk- I look ok from the front, why should my back bother me? But Naomi’s ass is lovely)

  18. Jill says:

    That can not be Kate Moss’ ass?!? Really? I will never feel bad about my ass again! Thank you Sister!!

  19. Dru says:

    Also, Kate looks like she’s in motion and her bikini bottoms are giving her a wedgie. That’s not a good look on anyone, especially when your photograph is placed next to a perfectly posed-looking picture of Naomi Campbell’s back.

  20. Cream Puff says:

    Too, Naomi has never had a baby.

  21. Aja says:

    Every time I come back and see that picture I am reminded of whatever ballet class I need not skip this week.

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