Can We Talk?

Here are the results of Mom’s hard work redecorating the family crib.   Follow directions CAREFULLY.

1. Click on photos to expand to full size.
2. Don’t scream if you’re at work.
3. Find one item you would like to see in your own living room.
4. Explain the concept without using the word “jungle.”

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81 Responses to Can We Talk?

  1. Desiree says:

    I’ve gone foetal … need therapy fast!

  2. Ann says:

    Ummm. Well. The wood in the fireplace seems useful enough, though I would not have stacked it in such a manner.

  3. Iron Chic says:

    Track Lighting! Got that….I am but a pauper.
    I don’t know how humans are supposed to live with all that junk?!

  4. patni says:

    I would take the giant clam that is sitting on the dining table.
    I think Elvis would have loved it all.

  5. Dear SW, I like it, which is probably not a good sign, but it is certainly not boring, there is lots to look at. I like the deer sitting on the coffee table, we get these odd little deer in our garden, it would be so funny to come in and find one sitting in the middle of the living room, they eat all young plants and flowers in the garden, so the logical next step for them would be to take over the house..

    I also like the fringed lampshade in the 2nd pic, it looks a bit Missoni to me, wonder if it would fit me?

    Not sure about that see-through perspex stickie up thing on left in 1st pic, as I am English (repressed ) and immature, I would be forced to make willy jokes constantly, which would be very tiring.

    Sorry, completely off the point, but you know Goony bird, did you name her after the character in the books by Lois Lowry? No doubt this author is v famous in the US but she had passed me by, till I discovered this brilliant book by her The Willoughbys recently.

  6. Dru says:

    3. Hmm, if one thinks about it then maybe that giant ball of a light fixture is pretty?
    4. It looks like the mildly less fun cousin of a bona fide disco ball, and I love disco balls.

    Also, I see that the photographs are watermarked- does that mean Mom paid to have part of her home look like that, or handed over money to have it photographed?

  7. skye says:

    The coffee table with the (hopefully fibreglass) tusk legs looks like it’s about to scuttle away in the manner of a big spider of questionable taste.

    I thought the green velvet daybed looked kind of ok if the cushions were taken off it and it was shoved up against a wall and had a bunch of afghan rugs and old newspapers and cat fur and half a squished banana and a discarded sweater, and/or any other signs of human life on it.

    Concept = desperately try-hard wannabe scenester LA boutique hotel crossed with living room scenario as created by humans from the far future trying to reconstruct a 21st century home for display in a museum, using random items dug from landfills.

  8. Dru says:

    Blighty Pudfish- funny you should mention Lois Lowry, I remmeber getting one of her books for my 10th birthday. It was a good book too.

    In all fairness, the room would look better without the metal deer, the blue Buddha (it looks like one) and that sticky-up thing Blighty mentions. Though I bet those were all expensive.

  9. Esz says:

    Um……It’s claustrophobic. Too many glossy surfaces. You’re mind cannot rest.

    The photos hurt enough – it could only be worse actually being there.

  10. Marianne says:

    Oh my god. That’s it, I officially love you.

  11. Amblus says:

    I…just…no. It hurts so bad.

  12. Witch Moma says:

    Mom is exhibiting signs of “Reflective-Compulsive Disorder” – it’s an anxiety disorder marked by hoarding or the inability to discard shiny objects. Yes the light fixtures are cool but stuffing the fireplace with wood? wtf? Mom seems to be borderline Morrocan Reflectile Dysfunctional too – but I think her “safari” took her to the flea market. The recommended therapy is to be locked in an empty room with a copy of “Real Simple” magazine.

  13. Mary says:

    That is truly fucking horrid. It looks like an animal graveyard. HATE!

  14. Sofia says:

    3. I will have the giant clam shell that’s on the dining room table. I’ve always wanted to recreate that scene from the little mermaid.

    4. The concept is ‘The guy at the junk yard definitely saw you (and your ex husband’s wallet) coming- Liberace would say no to this crap.’ Coming soon to a cat cafe near you.

  15. Sil says:

    1. Done.
    2. Hard not to scream when my eyes, which had surgery one and half year ago and now work perfectly without glasses, had to see that crap.
    3. Not able to find anything I would like for my cheap-and-nice flat. The whole tacky atmosfere is horrid.
    4. Concept…Ok, I got it, claustrophobic try to create a savanna. Hopefully the whole family is able to hover, I cannot find any other way to go in/out of that room.

  16. M says:

    I’m more disturbed by that giant vagina bowl on a table in the other room. WTF!

  17. deja pseu says:

    I think my eyeballs are bleeding now.

  18. Sheri says:

    I just looked at this picture for way longer than I would advise (like looking directly at the sun) trying to see if there was one thing I would like. The pillows back in the corner look interesting, but maybe it’s the spots in front of my eyes.

    What’s up with the lucite phallic thing on the left?

  19. Sil says:

    Oh, sorry Sister Wolf!!!
    I found something I like. To have the absurd amount of money that this dimwit has surely spend on BUYING all this stuff (honestly, does somebody pay for getting this done at home? I would have killed the decorator…) and spend it on anything else, like, I don´t know, a car, or one year mongage.

  20. the real andrea says:

    Can we say “ungapatchka”? For the uninitiated, it’s a Yiddish word meaning “ridiculously overdecorated or ornate”. Perfect description, no? I don’t think there is an English word for what this is. It gives me a headache just looking at it! It’s the efforts of a wannabe, for sure. Reminds me of the nouveau riche Russian capitalists that we see all over NYC, so overly done. Simplicity is so much nicer. But I did like her shoe closet. Not the shoes, just the shelves. I need one of those.

  21. TheBadKate says:

    I can’t get a really good look at it, but the dark armoire hiding behind the doorframe (in embarrassment?) in the second picture looks quite lovely and classic. I’ll take that. I desperately need more useful and attractive storage.

  22. HelOnWheels says:

    I must admit that I like the green velvet day bed. It’s a show piece and needs to be in very minimalist surroundings.

    Everything else made me want to claw my eyes out. It’s awful. I’ll call it Dynasty meets dumpster of the Golden Age of MGM prop warehouse meets pathetic high-society wannabe. How many poor, defenseless creatures had to give up their lives for this dreck??

  23. I found one! The dark wood cabinet/dresser thing. I know there’s a formal word for that piece of furniture, but damned if I know it.

    Why would I want it in my living room? Because unlike everything else in the pictures, it’s useful, tasteful, and matches furniture I already have.

    The concept could be described as “tribal geometrics,” or “Joey Tribbiani’s Dream Crib,” or perhaps “bored trophy wife with financially indiscriminate husband.”

  24. Mathilde says:

    Oh my good lord – that is utterly horrific!

    Kelly Hoppen Art Deco Texas Safari Nouveau Riche waiting room to hell perhaps? It is going to clash so badly with all that hoarded ‘curated’ vintage too. Oh dear Mom – you should have stuck with minimal and white.

  25. damaia says:

    I saw these on her blog and immediately thought, “Yes, but you can’t _live_ there. You can only stand in it, be photographed, and have your pictures overwhelmed by the background.”

  26. Aimee- WTF! says:

    I kind of love the mantlepiece.

    The look she is going for is “tarzan’s vision of a 1979 bordello”

  27. RoseWolf says:

    Perfect rooms for those who are afraid to be alone with their own thoughts…

    I’ve seen showroom vignettes at Z Gallery with more taste and less… things.

  28. Bessie the Buddha cow says:

    Brass, glass, Quan Yen, zebra, tusks, stacks of logs, busts, books, etc. There’s no focal point to the room. There’s no harmony, no balance. It’s a hoarders paradise.

  29. theresa says:

    Im happy it exists. Just like im happy that gala darling has an awful nose and garance dore and the sartorialist dude had an affair turned legitimate relationship.

    it distracts me from my sister’s imminent, all important, non-kooky dressing, mandatory attendance debutant ball.

    and I want alll the shiny stuff so i can put it in a room and call it “the shiny room,” and then lock it up tight for an eternity so that i may continue to think of myself as entirely above the sea of shit ridiculousness.

  30. Green Of Eye says:

    I feel claustrophobic just looking at that monstrosity.
    She obviously isn’t familiar with the notion of ‘less is more’.

    Just goes to show money can’t buy you taste…or class.

  31. elli says:

    poor thing was obviously inspired by Mike Tyson’s taste in interior design…and in everything else

  32. gretchen says:

    more money than taste….

    much like the over priced clothing they like to dress up and pretend in…

  33. M says:

    Certainly not a house to invite a blind person into

  34. Alicia says:

    I think the blue buddha would work well in my house.

    Concept: Luxe Taxidermy meets contemporary Studio 54

  35. theresa says:

    oh and I just thought of this clever line and why not toot the horn of my cleverness since thats what blogging is for?

    MOM OF SHOES’ boredom?
    she killed it!

    hahaha!

  36. annemarie says:

    Concept:
    1. Coke and Mirrors
    2. Trash, Cash and Flash
    3. Pimp’s Lair

  37. Cori says:

    I have to say the fireplace filled with wood is actually a lot more attractive than the big plastic baby gate I have covering my own fireplace. Of course, that’s only there to keep the children out.

  38. Bevitron says:

    Hang some iridescent Lucite bead curtains in those round-headed arches and you’ve got Auntie Mame’s opium den. The broken up reflections in those chevron mirrors look like a bad migraine aura.

    I would take the vents in the ceiling cause my house ain’t got no AC and it’s hot as hell here.

  39. lucinda says:

    As a nightclub/bordello/wanky hotel – yes. As a place to live/relax – NO!

    Some credit should be given to the stylist though as she has managed to create a room with some visual appeal from a mixed bag of… elements.

  40. Brie says:

    I thought their home was gorgeous before, neutral but still visually exciting, with cool accent pieces. It was much more soothing and serene. Now, it’s just so gaudy, and I think I’d feel the room was trying to devour me if I sat in it too long.

    I can’t imagine how long it will take to dust now.

  41. Felicia says:

    concept:
    hey-look-at-all-this-shit-i-bought-while-people-are-starving-and-selling-their-souls-to-pay-for-college

  42. Kate1.0 says:

    This look is all wrong! It screams cheap World Market and Pier 1 mixed with early 80s deadstock. The pillows are inexcusable. The problem with Mom and Sea’s style is its reliance on Southern/American/bourgeois tokenism and completism– ‘I neeehhhhd these Ahhhn D’s in thareee cullers,” “the rooohm has ta look DONE.” I hope that stingray wrestling medal she’s hyping stings her and gives her lead poisoning.

  43. Faux Fuchsia says:

    The tusk desk is a copy of Alexis Colby Carrington’s in Dynasty.

    It’s not my taste, but I like the room.

    I just worry that it is going to be a lot of extra work for Consuela to keep it all clean because there are lot’s of surfaces to dust, polish and vaccum.

  44. Miggs says:

    Boring, boring, boring. Having a pile of junk around your house only works if you’ve slowly collected it all and every piece has meaning to you. This is Personality Out of a Box.

  45. Dru says:

    Sister, if you’re planning to have a new candidate for Cunt of the Week anytime soon, here is my nomination: http://blog.foreignpolicy.com/posts/2010/05/31/why_the_gaza_boat_deaths_are_a_huge_deal

  46. Kamicha says:

    Ouch, that hurt my eye. And heart, sort of.

    Reminds me distantly about this: http://www.randomthink.net/misc/ebay/ – with the difference that I would actually love to dwell into that eBay madness… …but prefer to not enter that stuffed living room in fear of breaking something hideous but expensive – or getting an acute claustrophobia.

    Second glance… …I think I like the chandelier.

  47. Constance says:

    I do not Know what I like more the “Mom of shoes meets Dallas without irony” decoration, or the gushing comments on her blog. Someone called the decoration “soothing” and other “clean”. Yes it maybe soothing and clean if you were born right in the middle of a Las vegas Casino in high season.

  48. It’s the film set of ‘There’s something about Mom’ right?

  49. On seconds thoughts is it a porn star palace. I’m thinking orgies, lines of cocaine off the back of the deer, riding the deer, roller skating around in between the rooms and all manner of pretend perversity dreamed up by Sea.

  50. Joy D. says:

    Is this like one of those living rooms in rich people’s houses that you aren’t supposed to go into? Does anyone know what I am talking about? It reminds me of that kind of room.

    I pick the deer sculpture, I describe it as bambi-esque.

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