Demi Wins the Arms Race

Body shaming is a capital crime on social media, but not to me. If the body in question has been intentionally distorted, why should we pretend we’re blind? If you’re too fragile to withstand public discussion of your body, stop flaunting it, okay? Or at least take a break.

Demi Moore showed up in Cannes with emaciated arms, which Page Six described as “toned,” setting off a storm of outraged comments, decrying the misuse of the word toned. Maybe if Page six had just said “arms,” the internet might have let the photos slide. We’re used to Demi’s shenanigans: pretending she objects to the industry’s pressure on aging women, pretending that she’s learned to accept her body, etc. etc. We’ve seen her caved-in cheeks and fucked up lips, we’ve heard her deny any plastic surgery despite her huge implants for her role in Striptease.

The photos from Cannes are truly disturbing. Demi looks like a bag of bones, smiling joyously with her huge dental veneers and tightened facial contours. She’s 63 and wants to look like an ingenue. She and Nicole Kidman need to sit down with a good psychiatrist to discuss the pathology behind their pursuit of youth. It’s not healthy for us to act like this is normal.

Me, I’m an old bag and as vain as anyone on earth, but I’m aware of my limits. Facelifts are stupid, necklifts too. They don’t last forever, and even if done well, people will think, What great work she’s had! instead of, Wow, how young she is! Everyone can start using Retin-A in their 40s to stave off wrinkles (my own beauty secret, you are most welcome!) As my wise nephew once said, It’s better to let nature fuck up your face than some doctor.

The other problem is Ozempic, even though no one admits to taking it. One of my millions of doctors told me that she sees lots of patients on Ozempic, so I asked her how many of them actually need it. Her answer: none. But celebrities going around like Auschwitz survivors expecting us to believe they’re just “eating healthier” aren’t fooling anyone.

Shut up, you scrawny celebrities! Nicole Kidman and Angelina, start eating or cover your fucking arms! Poor Ariana Grande is on the brink of starvation, but she’s fine, stop bothering her. A few months ago, I stupidly commented on a picture of Zoe Kravitz, “Eat a sandwich.” This brought on a bunch of idiots telling me I’m jealous and lecturing me about body shaming. Obviously their wokeness overrides their common sense, so good for them.

We should all start admitting that some people are too thin and others are too fat. Short people are short and tall people are tall. Big fishlips are not natural. Huge white teeth that look like a block of concrete (talking to you, Taylor Swift) are not natural either. A huge Brazilian butt or whatever they’re called is a tragic deformation. I just watched a documentary called Caterpillar about people who go to India to change their eye color, despite the serious risks involved. They all want to “start over” and be a better version of themselves.

Why anyone thinks such a superficial change would result in a new and better person is anyone’s guess. We shouldn’t encourage this shit by refusing to acknowledge it. Page Six needs to post a correction, saying they erroneously called a pair of toothpick arms “toned.”

Here’s what I wrote in 2009, to show you how long Demi has been bothering me:

Demi Moore is the Ted Bundy of surgically enhanced celebrities. She’s going to deny everything to the bitter end, even when there’s nothing left of her but a puddle of botox and a pile of hair extensions.

I’m standing by this. It’s your call now, Demi Moore.