Disbelief

There aren’t really stages of grief, there’s just a big rupture and then a big mess of denial, anger, shock, guilt, etc. etc etc and none of it is orderly. Right now I’m in a state of disbelief and I’m guessing it’s adaptive, to keep mothers from flipping out.

I am seeking solace anywhere I can find it but I can’t listen to the news or look at fashion.

I’ll tell you what’s good: TV.

TV is a great panacea and pacifier. Reality TV is best. Crazy “Housewives” screaming at each other is like manna from heaven. My husband and I are taking comfort there. Scream and fight, Housewives! Never stop!

True Blood worked for me but not so much for my husband. He’s just not gay enough, I guess. When Sam and Eric eyed each other up, the thrill was electric, wasn’t it?!? Eric’s butt was too small for my taste but on the whole it was a yummy festival of hot gayness.

TV is my church and I will worship there. My bed is a place to hold Max’s stuffed animals from his babyhood. My fridge is stocked with weird leftovers from the meals brought over in sympathy.   My tolerance for idiots is being severely tested. My gratitude for kindness is fine-tuned. I can report that aside from TV, you really, really need friends.

Love is all that matters. Remember how we learned that before? It’s easy to forget. I’ll try to remind you, and you can try to remind me.

This entry was posted in grief and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

60 Responses to Disbelief

  1. alittlelux says:

    “I hear the water in Arkansas is very… hard.”

    http://dlisted.com/node/37649

  2. WendyB says:

    It was actually Bill and Sam having the gay moment. Eric had a hetero moment with a gal in bondage. I am an equal opportunity voyeur and enjoyed both scenes. Agree with you entirely on the housewives and on the use of tv in general. You didn’t think I watched all that Law & Order for the sake of the acting, did you? Xoxoxo

  3. Jon says:

    I was Max’s friend growing up, but hadn’t talked to him in a long time — six or seven years, I think. I thought of him often though — all the time in fact — and I just heard what happened and stumbled over here somehow. I am really fucking sad about it and I am thinking about you, Max’s dad, Charlie, and Max, of course. . . .

  4. Dr says:

    ^what WendyB says..

  5. Cybill says:

    Is there nothing TV can’t do? I’ve never watched True Blood but I may have to go check it out now, voyeurism is my life.

  6. XuXu says:

    You are LOVED LOVED LOVED.

    also.

    You are LOVE LOVE LOVE.

    also.

    Breaking Bad is some hot fucking tv.

    XuXu

  7. arline says:

    I don’t watch tv, but I agree with you on the love thing. Love is all around. and like xuxu says, You are LOVED LOVED LOVED.

  8. Trash TV and films are a blessing when you want to turn your mind off. I don’t normally enjoy movies that much (too much of a short attention span), but have been struggling with depression lately and it has been so useful to sit down and watch a DVD knowing that for the next 2 hours I don’t need to think. People must have gone crazy dealing with these things in the days before television xx

  9. Elaine says:

    Trashy reality TV is the best to numb your brain since it has no resemblance to reality. Watch as much TV as you can take. I suggest Tinsley Mortimer’s High Society. It’s short but so full of DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA in all 8 episodes you have to laugh that these people take themselves seriously
    I also went through Bride Wars. Absolutely trash-tastic
    When you’ve gone through that and feel like ripping apart hipsters go here
    Look at this fucking hipster
    http://www.latfh.com/

    I believe you’ll pull through this ’cause you’re a fucking samurai and TV is your weapon of choice.

  10. BethUK says:

    I only found your blog a few weeks ago (and haven’t commented yet which makes me a complete stranger) but I really wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about Max. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

    I’m impressed that you have any tolerance for idiots at all.

    Now I HAVE to go buy the True Blood box set…….

  11. Ann says:

    I don’t watch TV at all except for Rachel Maddow (although not even her so much since the oil disaster) and Real Housewives of NJ. The Wives are an incredible escape and I’m grateful to the show for helping me tune out, and I haven’t even faced anything like what you’re going through.

    Candles remain lit for you and Max, as well as Simone, Charlie, your husband and all of the Wolf clan. Haven’t taken off my Wolf necklace in over a week and a half. I’m proud to be your friend, and I love you. I am here for you always.

  12. Love is extraordinary but I guess reality TV is doing a grand job too xx

  13. He was speaking on my behalf, he loves tv and I’m a naughty mummy I let him xx

  14. Iron Chic says:

    When I was going through this really awful period of my life the only ONLY things that stopped me from jumping in front of a subway was my best friends and watching stand-up comedy on youtube.
    Stay strong SW…………

  15. Bourbon Drinker Known as MJ says:

    A classic SW post. And I am still thinking of you (thinking back to when a cousin and I were 16, and he died suddenly – having new empathy for my aunt and uncle now).

    In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, “There’s only one rule that I know of, babies–God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”

  16. deja pseu says:

    Trash TV is manna from heaven at times. I watched True Blood for the first time Sunday night. Loved that “hard water” scene! Whew.

    It’s true, love is the thing.

    xoxo

  17. Maxine says:

    My heart hurts for you and your family, as a fairly new mother I just can’t imagine any of this, it some how does not seem real. I am at a loss for words sister wolf. I only wish I could in some way fix all of this for you. All I can do is think about you 20 times a day and send you love. You always amaze me. Thank you for being.

  18. helene says:

    Dear Sister,

    I am so sorry for what happened, you don’t know me but my heart is with you. I light a candle for Max here in Paris.

  19. Jill says:

    I refuse to watch this with my husband…it’s my guilty pleasure.

  20. jools says:

    Sending you love. love. love. (the housewives are ridiculous-in a good way of course) xoxo

  21. I’ve got to start watching the Housewives on the computer. And love, love, love, thanks for the reminder. It is all that matters.

  22. patni says:

    True blood is a winner of escapist tv! The books are good too if trash literature is your thing. There are 10 of them. Not the most fabulous writing, by any stretch of the drunk imagination, but they suck you all the way in. I read all 10 in a week.

  23. the real andrea says:

    My thoughts are still with you. I remember when I lost both my parents when people comforted me with words or with cards, food, etc, it really meant a lot and I was surprised at my reaction. Someone takes a moment out of their busy life to express their sympathy. And even if they didn’t really care, it meant something to me. And the TV with all it’s mindless stuff to choose from, it is comforting in a strange way. I used it in the same way as you. Your grief never really goes away, but it gets a “scab” over it so you can go on. Was it the Beatles that had a line in a song “love is the answer?” So true.

  24. Beck says:

    Sister, I’ve only commented here a couple of times but I read your every post and think you are fabulous. I’m so very sorry about Max. I’m thinking of you all a lot and sending you strength. I hope I can be as cool a mum to my two little boys when they are grown. Love is the answer. And so indeed is trash telly. x

  25. A flea on the hair of a dog says:

    SW . . . I’m gonna fix your clock . . . and bring it back to you! I can’t believe that in your time of grief your were so giving, and compassionate, and looking out for me. You are something so truly amazing! A profound awesomeness! I love you! I’m forever grateful to the universe that we crossed paths. And I know Max is watching out for you . . . trust me . . . only an atheist can know these things!
    xxxooxxxo

  26. dana says:

    Oh hells, my identical twins are named Sam and Eric. Well whatever, I think the names jive well. Re. comedians: Eddie izzard, Dressed to Kill. I’m sure you knew that. But still sending all my love and sympathy.

  27. sarah.p says:

    XOXOXOX

    That’s all.

  28. Bevitron says:

    I’m SO glad that you have a TV fix that helps you cope. I was worried – the old heart can only take so much battering. I had to laugh at your description of “weird leftovers” in the fridge — bringing food for comfort must be universal. A great friend of mine who just lost her mother was telling me how there should be a line of grocery store frozen meals that are marketed just for the bereaved who might be without food-bringers.

    When I was going through awful grieving pain a few years ago, I couldn’t bear to try to read and the only thing I could stand to watch was the documentary series from 1974 about WWII – “The World at War”. Is that bizarre or what! But it helped. It just takes what it takes.

    Much love for you, and your Max.

  29. I take solace in a horrible British reality show called “Supersize vs. Superskinny.”

  30. Miss Janey says:

    Love is all that matters. Here comes some your way.

  31. anna says:

    my condolences. i wish i could do something to ease your pain. please be strong

  32. Greg says:

    I am sorry. TV works for me too. Thank you for reminding me about trueblood

  33. Liz!! says:

    Although I blab about the negative side of technology and make fun of hotels with TVs in their bathrooms…..there’s nothing like it. When I was going through tough times with my fiance and deaths in my family, I kept the TV running 24/7. It didn’t even matter what was on the TV. (Except for that one time I was on the outs with my boyfriend and Gilmore Girls ran the episode where Rory rejected Logan’s proposal….yeah, I got NO SLEEP that night)

    Soul-numbing bad television is wonderful for times when we need to tell our minds and hearts to be quiet for just a minute.

    Wife-swap is horrible horrible TV that will help me forget everything. Glad that you are also finding solace in the Housewives and their petty fights. If only the worse thing to happen in my life was that my psuedo-friend’s husband called me “countless” instead of “Countess!” The horror!

    Sending a hug…..

  34. Shifra says:

    Sending you love.

  35. Alicia says:

    Reality television is what saved my brain during my bout with extreme grief. That and my love of trannies. I can’t wait for Drag U to start on Logo.

    *hugs*

  36. TheShoeGirl says:

    I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one into that hot gayness. hahahhaha.

    You’ve got my favorite blog. Sending love vibes your way… <3

  37. Andra says:

    I am a little late to the party but I just ventured on to the lovely Mutterhals site.
    This creature is, as we say in Australia, a kangaroo short in the top paddock.
    Sad really.

  38. Andra says:

    And more than a little desperate.

  39. Nat says:

    Never watched True Blood and I know I should. It kind of sucks that I need to catch up with and it might take awhile. I’m so far behind on some hot gayness.

    I love you Sister Wolf!

  40. ABD says:

    Sister…I found your blog in the midst of your grief. And I’m so so sorry. I have son named Max too.

    But in just the short time I’ve been here, I find you wickedly funny (and I love when you write about “Sea” and Mom of “Sea”…because SOMEONE has to bitch-slap them. I think I read ALL of the “Sea” posts!). You’re spot on with so many things (as far as I can tell) and you love yourself some gay vampires. And I’m totally down with that.

    You are who you are and there is absolute grace in that. Do and feel what you need to and make no apologies.

    Take care, dear one.

  41. Jules says:

    The closest person to me that has ever passed was my Grandpa 4 years ago. And we were very close. I can’t imagine losing my son, even though he is only 2 and a half, I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. But when I start missing my Grandpa, I just look at old photos and take solace in believing that he is still here with me, all the time, watching my life (except the bathroom parts and sex with my hubby parts) and smiling. Good luck. We have a candle lit in Costa Mesa. xo

  42. Sonja says:

    Oh Sister Wolf, I do hope that you are wrapping yourself up in our collective blanket of love love love love in front of the television. Do you need anything from the kitchen? I wish I was there serve you a steaming cup of something that you would find calming and comforting, or just plain fucking delicious …. xoxoxoxoxo

  43. theresa says:

    eric’s butt was a little strangely shaped. He needed more upper cheek definition, didn’t he?

    i love perfect man butts!

    i love sister wolf!

  44. annemarie says:

    i’m glad the Wives are good for something.
    love you Sister Wolf, i’ll be yo Mama

  45. Aja says:

    I’m pretty behind in my True Blood. I guess that’s what I’ll do next time I have a weekend of leisure! xo

  46. Sister Wolf says:

    WendyB- I meant to say Sam and Bill but I was still thinking about Eric’s butt. See Theresa’s comment – she is a real butt connoisseur.

  47. Mary says:

    ERIC. That is all.

  48. Elena Abaroa says:

    I discovered your blog a long time ago, and I loved it, but then I forgot the name of the blog and I lost your contact…Today I´ve found it again by chance and I saw the posts about your son…I feel so sorry, with all my heart. I lost my mother a couple of years ago, when i was only 16 and I know who u feel when u loose the thing u love more in life, also I lived the pain of my grandma, who lost her daugther and this is biggest pain that someone can feel…Even if i dont know you, i send you all my love, from Spain to EEUU, across the world… We cant say nothing to make you feel better, but at least we try with our best wishes cause mothers deserve all the support 🙂

  49. M says:

    It’s weird but I’ve never been able to seek escape in TV at all. I, sadly, have to have the sedatives to really escape.
    All my thoughts are with you and your family, but especially you xxxxx

  50. Cami says:

    Distractions work, I say go with it. Do whatever it is that makes you feel better.
    We, out here in internet land, are here for another kind of therapy. Bitch and moan as much as you like. PLEASE. I think I speak for most when I say, we are here to listen and offer any support we can.

    On another note, Breaking Bad is great, but maybe something like Gossip Girl might be good too. It would at least fuel some serious fire and rage towards stupid young society kids with 10 figure trust funds, blow-waves and terrible punch lines. That’s kind of fun, right? At least momentarily.

    Love to you and the family X

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.