If you don’t live in Los Angeles, you may not be familiar with Fred Segal, a retail establishment frequented by pop stars and wealthy anorexics. Long ago, I realized that Fred Segal is in league with Satan. But yesterday, I forgot.
Feeling bored and oppressed by existential malaise, I went to Fred Segal to look at earrings. I have been fixated on the idea of gold safety pin earrings and I knew Fred Segal would have some. It’s a knowledge based on the type of people who shop there and a dark intuition fostered by Satan Himself.
So there I was, in the full glory of unemployment, when the salesgirl said, “Yes, we do have gold saftey pin earrings!” She produced five pairs of earrings, one covered in tiny emeralds. I tried on one earring and thought, Okay, got to have them.
I handed my credit card to the salesgirl, my heart pounding with excitement and guilt. The voices in my head argued about the purchase, with the Addict Voice taking the lead. “So what if you can’t afford them, so what!”
The salesgirl was having trouble with her computer. It wouldn’t recognize my card or anything else. She apologized and decided to reboot the computer.
As I waited, I felt the sense of deranged lust for the earrings start to wane. I could already predict the remorse. Maybe I didn’t even need to buy them. I told the salesgirl while she struggled, “If this goes on much longer, I will take it as a message from god that I don’t need these earrings.” She laughed and said, “No, it’s just a message from this computer, don’t worry, I’ll get it to work.”
She called a supervisor who tried to give her directions over the phone. Now I was sure: I didn’t give a shit about the earrings! Life would go on without them. In fact, life would be much, much better without them!
I reached over and grabbed my credit card and said. “I’m sorry, I’ve got to go now. Too bad it didn’t work out.”
I marched out of there as fast as my wonky hip would allow, dizzy with the joy of missing a bullet. God was stronger than Satan and I owe Him one. If he would hide my fucking credit card, so much the better.
The Universe did not want you to have those earrings.
It’s for the Best. Really.
FF – Believe me, I know. The Universe and I are in accord, for once.
That made me smile. I am glad you listened. 🙂
OMG, gold safety pin earrings with tiny emeralds! I’m salivating already, would give in in a split second. I don’t dare to ask about the price. You narrowly escaped, Sister Wolf – good for you!
I valiantly resisted buying more fabulous silver jewelry on my trip to Poland (just three modest pieces…); I just came back and I’m between “shit, why didn’t I buy more” and “I did the right thing, will be forking out money to the bank, the lawyer, movers and construction workers soon enough”. It’s hard to be virtuous 🙁
I’m sending over the hide the credit card squad!
You were not on a shopping mission from God this time.
I had a painfully awkward moment like that. Except I was in Sports Authority and my mother had just broken the news to me that my Uncle had just died. My eyes welled up with tears as the guy fiddled with the malfunctioning computer at the register. After having stood there for a good ten minutes, fighting back tears I finally said point blank “if this doesn’t work, I’m leaving because my uncle just died and I want to go to my car so I can cry, thanks”. Way to make it awkward. Every other customer got really quiet and then like magic, the computer worked. I grabbed my boots and bolted towards the door. Would you believe that was two years ago and I have never taken those damn snowboard boots out of the trunk of my car?
Done that. At Max & Co. That computer breaking was a lifesaver. Or a bank account saver at least.
Cheer up, SW. Kids wore safety pin earrings in middle school around here. They’re not as cool as they seem.
I bet Mom never had this experience.
It is crazy, the craving to posses stuff, makes the not-purchasing feel like evolutionary step forward.
I’m a bit exhausted with hoarding and having all the things that I have. When
I look at my closet it looks like I have enough to get me through next 3 lives. Those earrings will find they way to you, as a present hopefully…
You send me your credit card and I’ll send you mine.
I’ll hide it real good and will only allow you to buy essentials like red lipstick, black leather jackets, hair dye, jeans and boots you can’t walk in. Any crying or whinging and I will get your son to beat you with the lesbian stick ( in a loving way of course)
Queen Marie
x
sister, what do you think of these shoes? I saw them and thought you might have something to say. they’re on sale! only $475 now!
http://www.zappos.com/camilla-skovgaard-s100052-greige
But those earrings were FREE!!! Right?! You were going to use your credit card.
You actually EARNED whatever it was you were going to pay for those earrings.
And say an extra prayer of thanks that some pill-popping sickly-thin trophy wife in a giant Hummer didn’t ram into your car in the super-dangerous parking lot there at Fred Segal.
You may be unemployed for now, but this episode actually gave you riches in strength. If you would have bought them you would have left the store with feelings of guilt and remorse. I know. I have been down that road too many times. If you can tell yourself that you don’t want to feel the feelings of self loathing, guilt, and remorse, it will be much easier next time. Half the battle with shopping addiction is becoming aware of the unpleasant feelings that come after the purchase. I deal with these same feelings on a daily basis and it’s not easy. Good for you!
Those earrings sound like the Ultimate Temptation. I’m glad you were able to get the Sign From God in such a clear and definitive way. Unfortunately the Supreme Being never makes the registers go down when I’m buying something I shouldn’t… 😉
I really enjoyed having a chance to talk to you last night! Hope we can do coffee or something soon.
Um, would these satisfy your craving?
http://www.alexandchloe.com/online_shop/product_info.php?products_id=1218
Sis, you might be on a mission from God to get the $30 version…but I’m on my mission from God to make (or make someone make) them for you.
=D
Men love gigantic idiotic things like SUV’s and monster trucks. Women love tiny expensive idiotic things… which is preferable because it’s better for the environment.
On the other hand I tease my women friends here in Denmark by saying, “Women, who happen to earn 80% of what men earn on average, will gladly pay 100 dollars for a tiny bottle of perfume. But how much would you pay if you earned the same as men..? 150 dollars? Maybe the market place subconsciously strives to limit female excess? Male excess is incurable..
First. I really like the Fred Segal retro sign. However, it does make the idea of shopping seem light and frothy, instead of the removal-of-cash-from-one’s-bank-account activity that it really is.
Perhaps it sounds odd, but I always prefer to *see* an item, to enjoy it that way rather than to actually own it. The item always loses its luster once it’s mine, much like a new car loses its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
**This philosophy does not hold true for my beloved Loeffler Randall shoes, though.
Your story actually played out like a movie in my head. I look forward to Act 2.
Why not just wear regular (gold-tone) safety pins? Those cost like 1 cent and are not try-hard.
priceless! 😀
if every terminal stuttered before every purchase, how many dollars would those extra minutes of sanity save?
Such a sad tale!
I pray that this happens to me too!! Thank you God!
This same thing happened to me last Friday, but at JCPenney in Manhattan Mall and with an I heart Ronson sweater. So if it makes you feel better, you had a much more glamorous divine intervention!
Way to be strong! Miss J gave up trying Fred Segal years ago… the ONLY thing they have in her size ARE earrings.
first time i’ve read your blog and I won’t be back – how rude “wealthy anorexics”.
I have had that moment too, but mine was when the other voices joined forces to overpower the Addict Voice and made me say, “Actually, I’ve changed my mind.”
So then I felt bad, seeing the salesgirls face fall as her commission evaporated and the Addict Voice said, “See?? You should have bought the stuff!”
But I was already out the door. Phew.
g, what’s rude? Wealthy anorexics, or the expression used by Sister Wolf? If the latter, then why? A better command of English would help. Oh well, I guess I’m not getting an answer, since g will not be back.
I love your description of Fred Segal so perfect. Sometimes I too digress and go in there and hate myself later. Its a hell hole. But be careful – remember when Misha Barton (in her heyday) said “none of the clothes are made with love at Fred Segal” (whatever the fuck that means) in a magazine interview and then they banned her from coming in for over a year – LUCKY GIRL!!
you don’t know me in any way and i know you turned off comments in your post about your son for a reason…but as i sit at home with no job and nothing to do i’ve read your entire blog from start to finish. i find your comments insightful, amusing and sad all at once.
i cannot even begin to imagine what you are feeling now and you have my deepest sympathies. i know it can’t compare but i lost my father suddenly last year (he had been sick for awhile but he kept getting better after each bout of getting worse that i just assumed he’d get better again like every other time…and he didn’t and i didn’t get to say goodbye) and i’m just sorry. the pain of the loss and grief i felt (and i’m sure what you feel) are just…heavy. they’re so heavy and i’m sorry. i wish you didn’t have to feel them.
“Good-night, sweet prince; And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.”
I’m sorry to hear about your son. I am not a mother and know neither you or Max, but it always sounded like you had such a close, mutually respectful relationship that escapes most of our familial circumstances. If it makes any difference, when you posted the link to his music that seemed like it would the usual garage band Myspace leftovers, I really enjoyed it. He’s clever. I hope you really understand how good you are to him. I’m not using past tense for a reason.
Sister, my thoughts and prayers and love is with you, and your Max. I cannot know how you feel right now, but I know that no mother should ever have to lose a child. My heart is with you all.
Oh darling SW, my heart is aching and keening for you and Max and all your family.
I can’t say it better than sara,eliza, angela and dana. All I can say it: me too. I’ve thought about you all day since I read your last post.
I’d like to see these earrings…
I am so sorry–you and your family are in my thoughts.
A candle burned for him all day, and I’ve been wishing blessings on you both. You are in my thoughts.
Addicted reader, rarely comment – but like Candy, I have been thinking of you, Max and your family since I read your post yesterday morning.
I’m so sorry Sister Wolf.
If I am almost crying I can’t even imagine what you are going through.
Lots of love from the other side of the world.
All your soul sisters out here are sending waves of love and support. I hope you can feel it, Sister Wolf. I started reading your blog when Max was in the nursing home. Have been with you every single day since then. Blessings and peace.
I had a similar experience myself recently. It’s horrible when you’re in the process of paying and suddenly decide against ot- well done for resisting! 🙂 great post too!
As Maureen above ^^^and with a son of Max’s age (and looks), getting choked everytime I read about your relationship with him, and feelings for him, all so familiar. So very, very sorry, you’re in my thoughts x
hahahaa!
Oh Sister… I’m so very sorry. <3
g, whoever you are, fuck off, the reason you won’t come back is because you yourself are probably anorexic. perhaps wealthy, but none the less sw’s honesty struck a cord within you. we are better of without your silly comments. i loved this post, check out etsy i’m sure you’ll find a pair on there waaay cheaper. or i will and one of these days i’ll ask for your address. i’m so sorry to hear about max, you are in my thoughts. i know nothing anyone says can take your pain away or ease it just know we all love and adore you. big hugs and kisses. ps. i still wish u were my mum
Longtime reader, though I’ve never commented. Your posts about Max and your family are always my favorite. You and yours are in my thoughts. This Auden poem always feels right to me when I’m grieving. Maybe for you too. http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/funeral-blues-2/
Heartbroken to read of your loss. I only found your blog a few days ago and have just finished reading through it all. So terribly sorry that your beautiful boy has passed away.
x
Sister wolf.
I cry for your loss.