Forgive Me, Jesus

Dear Jesus,

I try to be a good person but why is it so hard? Today, I went to a nice Superbowl party and spent most of it in the kitchen at the host’s computer, listening to Mrs. Palin talkin’ about runnin’ for President.

People walked past me, wondering why I was looking at Mrs. P. I explained that she is the wind beneath my wings. I knew I should have been socializing, but when I did, I made someone cry by telling her about my personal difficulties. The hostess made another fabulous nine-layer Jello and gave me some to take home.

At home, there were chores to do and messes to clean up. Instead, I went back to the computer and read more about Mrs. Palin. Why did she allow her hand to be photographed with stupid reminders written on it? Is she really that stupid retarded? Is it some sort of conspiracy? Is she trying to connect with her “base” by showing that she’s too gosh-darn dumb to remember her three talking points?

And then, Jesus, I went to look at Mom of Shoes, who is boasting about her “find” on eBay: a pair of Chanel Ponyhair boots for $1,199 plus shipping.

Why, Jesus?! Why do I sully myself with the folly of others, when I shoud be looking for a job or washing the dishes? Why can’t I get my priorities straight?

I’m already full of Effexor, so I can’t increase my dose. I think I’m looking for escape. I know I’m looking for escape. I can’t hold my liquor, so that’s out.

Can I use my stress and depression as an excuse to scroll through Mom’s eBay purchases…55 in the last month alone, mostly comprised of tragically ugly animal-themed costume jewelry?

Show me the way, Jesus. Give me a sign. Just don’t fuck with my Internet connectivity.

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44 Responses to Forgive Me, Jesus

  1. theresa says:

    Why is it so fucking hard to find work writing about the folly of others? People love reading about it- trolling through it- escaping in it. While shit of shit gets free stuff and ball invites- her disgruntled readers convert to the blogging dark side and are so much more satisfied. Where is the fucking justice?

  2. theresa says:

    p.s. im currently reading “Heidegger’s exegeses of Holderlin” and am in need of some escapism in blog and alcohol form.

    people in the library wonder why I keep giggling when I open my book.

  3. Pete says:

    I never used to like John McCain. But he gave us Sarah. Now that is a legacy. Take the little gifts life gives you, and the big ones like Sarah. If Jesus gave you Sarah, and you ignore her…

  4. H says:

    meanwhile on Daughter of Shoes: technology is wearing her the fuck out.

  5. Faux Fuchsia says:

    Dear Sister,
    In Australia today, for I think the 1st time ever, the Superbowl was broadcast live on free to air tv. I know this, because unlike the Aldridge/Sea of Shoes Family I actually own a tv and spend time surfing the channels and watching stuff. I can’t figure out the rules of your American football business, but I quite liked it, altho I thought the Who at half time seemed a bit well, tired. Meanwhile I still wonder what Jane’s going to do with herself now that her home schooling days are over. College? Marriage? A year abroad? An internship at Chanel? A reality tv show? A gig with Anna Wintour at Vogue?

  6. kate says:

    Oh yeah, I totally unearthed Mom of Shoes ebay by accident once cause I always lose shit to her, as she buys up about half of ebay. It felt so-so dirty, but I’m glad to see you found a fine ponyskin skeleton in that black hole of a closet.

    Effexor is terrible! You’re a tough woman, so it probably doesn’t fuck with you like it does with everyone else, but I got serotonin poisoning from it and so have many others. Making things is a good escape–craft table style. Knitting was invented to quell feminine hysteria and all that jazz. But you already craft so much with your open-ended wit.

    Palin looks like an O.G. Charlie’s Angel in that pic. You probably shouldn’t ask Jesus for help, cause he is, after all, her man. AHH–why is she wearing her hair ALL THE WAY DOWN?

  7. Mom purchased those shoes – this is a sign, your work is not done!

  8. David Duff says:

    “People walked past me, wondering why I was looking at Mrs. P. I explained that she is the wind beneath my wings.”

    See, she’s getting to you, isn’t she? That gorgeous hair, that flashing smile, the high cheek bones – and above all, her straighforward political commonsense. You’ll be toddling off to the next ‘Tea Bagger’ meeting at your local town hall next!

  9. Juri says:

    At least Palin showed that Black Communist and his lamestream liberal cheerleaders that she does not need a teleprompter to survive a scripted Q&A session. That’s ingenious! In the next elections, she doesn’t even have to debate with Obama. All she has to do is to show him the reminders and let her hands do the talking.

  10. arline says:

    David, Sisters hair is much more beautiful, and Sister is far more intelligent than Mrs. Palin.

    It saddens me that she is so popular, and is capable of charming the idiots with her charisma.

    It is easy to focus on her, because she is predictable and humorous, but it is not really funny, at all.

  11. MJ says:

    The last time I asked Jesus for a sign (specifically, to deliver me from my soul-sucking professional work) He had a dark sedan rear-end me on the highway (Friday night! I shoulda been home drinking wine!) and total my Jeep.

    I think that sign was for me to shut up and get back to work. I don’t know, seemed like kind of tough love but I guess The Almighty doesn’t mess around.

    The important part was that my employer’s laptop was just fine and no client confidential materials were harmed (like the scratching of my third, and evidently not last, copy of Dark Side of the Moon). Ah hell, who am I kidding. They got me.

  12. Dru says:

    Sarah Palin makes no sense, and I don’t think she ever has. And I have no idea what the Super Bowl is or how it’s different from rugby: where I live, the game we call ‘football’ is known to Americans as ‘soccer’. Nine layer Jello does look stunning though- I’m not sure what I’d love more, that or a rainbow cake.

  13. Am still shaking my head from Mz. P’s “big” insult to Mr. O: he speaks like a professor! Oh, the horror! Her anti-intellectual schtick is dangerous and foolish.

  14. Jill says:

    I was initially shocked by what David Duff said about tea bagging. I don’t think
    tea bagging is on top of Sister’s “to do” list at the moment…his Town Hall must be a lot racier than my Town Hall! Then, the alcohol fumed neurons fired up and I remembered that a friend of a friend is going to some tea bagging rally…upon my reaction to this news, I was quickly informed of the alternate meaning.

  15. WendyB says:

    How’s the Effexor treating you? Should I try it?

  16. Ann says:

    You are a good person! I fail to see how any of this is your fault, when you don’t even like football to begin with and everyone who knows you is aware of that fact. What were you supposed to do, watch The Who at the half?

    Plus, Sarah Palin’s third act seems to be the one to watch. She’s gaining a frightening amount of momentum. She is actually scaring me more now than she did when she was running alongside McCain!

  17. erika says:

    You should write a novel Jackie Collins style about all of these people. Channel that vitriol into some juicy fiction. You never know where it could lead you. plus making up stories is fun.

  18. dust says:

    Hey, if the Mom of Shoes finally admitted to purchasing instead of acquiring and listed the price plus shipping, isn’t that because we mocked her so much? Isn’t that a (small) victory? You thought her a lesson, Sister.
    Now, write that novel cos’ Jesus is not listening…

  19. Beth says:

    Oh my GOD, Mom DID use ‘bought’ and ‘purchased.’

    Also, Sea really needs to stop with the excessive makeup. She looks much better without it. I know that look is trendy right now, but just because it’s trendy, it doesn’t mean it looks good on everyone…

    Sea is looking tooooo fake these days, but maybe if Mom is willing to stop ‘acquiring’ and ‘finding’ she will convince Sea to stop painting gook on her face as if she’s in a circus.

  20. Jesus says:

    Jesus is not happy with Palin! He’s glad he won’t be seeing any of her in the after life.
    But he enjoys your blog!

  21. sisimae says:

    Oh my god you have to teach us how to find out how many things ‘sea’ buy!

  22. Chelsea says:

    Great, Mom of Sea has ‘found’ Mad Men. One of my favorite shows is now tainted forever. Dear Mom of Sea, surprised you’re dabbling in mass culture.

  23. Faux Fuchsia says:

    She would have found Mad Men sooner if she’d sourced or acquired a television.

  24. Greg says:

    Yes, she sounded very presidential when she decided that it was ok for Rush to say retard, but not Rahm. I guess she has now designated herself as retard police, but so far, she is not very fair and balanced at this.
    I wonder what would happen if you took away her ability to use buzzwords and cliches. There would hardly be any words left.

  25. theresa says:

    you may or may not like the first article of the following link:

    (its called artist-as-mother/mother-as-artist: a metaphorical resurrection)

  26. Andra says:

    Dear Fuchsia
    I know a guy who has been watching the American superbowl on free to air TV for at least 14 years in Australia.

    You may remember that the late Don Lane used to host it.

    It’s a very strange game and incredibly boring (I think).

  27. serpentine says:

    Why do you sully yourself with the folly of others? You don’t strike me as lacking in insights to your own behavior – and you’ve already identified it as a displacement activity, easier to do than whatever you might regard as more worthwhile or positive. Six months ago I had maybe 8 or so blogs that I followed daily on bloglovin, and perhaps another 5 or 6 I would read occasionally. Then I realised it was a colossal waste of time, used to delay getting to grips with the other shit that had to be done each day; very much folly upon folly, so now I read 1 blog regularly and 2 occasionally.

    The first barbs at Sea of Shoes amused me, in a playground kind of way… and then I started thinking that’s probably not a good thing. I’m a 40 year old woman. I don’t want to spend any of my brain cells concerned with what an adolescent girl spends her money on. I don’t much want to be in a group of adults, yelling abuse at her through the school fence, so to speak. I really think she’s beneath your attention. And it triggers my over-developed desire for consistency – if I criticize her for the stuff she buys, then I have to think about my own discretionary spending, which I could otherwise have given to Haiti or whatever. I’m sure when you were buying your Chanel handbags and Vivienne Westwood horns there were people in the world who could have done with the money… is it really so different?

    Sarah Palin on the other hand is a genuine menace to society.

    Hope the Effexor is helping. I’ve spent the last six months trying to deal with my latest depressive episode unmedicated. Starting to think I should be less stubborn and just go back on Celexa for a few months. Every time I have a few good days, I think “Ha! I can claw my way out of this!” and then several days gang up on me and I think “Shit, I wish I’d gone to the doctor two weeks ago, I’d be feeling better by now.”

  28. Sister Wolf says:

    Pete – Valuable wisdom. So true! Thank you. What a relief!

    kate – We are a couple of filthy sinners.

    dust – Naw, I found it on eBay. No points for MOS.

    Juri – “better hopey-changey than dopey-quitty!”

    WendyB – Yes.

    serpentine – I am not here to amuse you. As for the Chanel bag and the horns, I’ve had to sell them both. Thanks for rubbing it in.

  29. Sister Wolf says:

    Miss Cavendish – The fear and loathing of intelligence is upsetting, yes!

    theresa – well, but, I don’t like feminism, it always reminds me of the word “wicca” which I don’t like either except to make fun of. I think I’m too stupid for that article but thank you for thinking of me.

    David – Those cheek bones are ready to burst out of her face like Aliens. I believe she has had them reinforced. But I admit that she’s a powerful stimulant.

  30. Braindance says:

    serpentine: Of course it is different, buying yourself the occasional treat as opposed to buying every piece of crap that catches your eye, then bragging about it non stop to strangers, can you really not see the difference?
    Sea and her mum have put themselves in the public arena, they did it because they thought we all needed to know what good taste they have, are we not allowed to disagree?
    Sorry to be a bitch, it’s early here I have not had my tea yet, but you sound like a really boring, pompous agony aunt.

  31. MJ says:

    Am I the only one who thinks that “Effexor” sounds like a variety of gastric reflux disease, and that “Celexia” was who Anne Heche was channeling a few years ago?

    I’m just saying.

  32. Moda says:

    I didn’t think Serpentine was trying to be unkind, or to rub it in Sister. Sometimes this blog could be called Godammit, I’m mad (especially about Sea of Shoes, her mum and Sarah Palin).
    I don’t have a problem with that. I love this blog and visit daily. I like what you write about and how you write it and I also wish Serpentine all the best with her depression. It takes guts to disagree and I don’t think she did it in a horrible or pompous way.

  33. erika says:

    I’m irritable now too, so I am going to channel my anger into something instead of my pointless, neutered rage. I’m thinking sewing and collageing instead of breaking things like I really want to.
    Also paying attention to these peopel will only depress you more. You have to break the vicious cycle. It’s hard, I know.

  34. serpentine says:

    Never said you were there to amuse, SW. That would be more of an unintended effect, I suppose. Along with rubbing it in. Right then, off on my boring, pompous way…

  35. Cricket9 says:

    Oh shit, sounds like we have to be worried again about “our neighbour in the South”, as our press likes to call US. After years of GWB, Sarah is “gaining momentum”?!!!
    As for SoS Mom – please, don’t forget that she SOURCED these horrendous boots, and now she added them to her CURATED collection of horrendous crap. That’s what I call boring and pompous…

  36. JK says:

    Here’s your chance fellow loyal Sister Wolf readers. Duff has invited Battle. He’s posted on the love of his life, uh ‘politically speaking’ Alaska’s Wunderkind – Sarah Palin. (I’m pretty sure he’s sleeping soundly in the UK) I’m certain he’d enjoy upon waking, seeing his “site-meters” gone off the charts.

  37. i saw that blog title, and i was all like… omg like… why duz sister wolf want madonna’s hot boyfriend to forgive her?! i would be all “love me jesus”. but ya, who’s this Sarah chick? she’s kind of you know, secretary hot. ya.

  38. Bless the hostess who made you another nine layer jello to take home.

  39. Braindance says:

    Serpentine: I have had my tea now and am considerably less grumpy, reading your 2nd post made me feel like I had kicked a puppy, so I am sorry for that. I suppose anybody comparing Sister Wolf to Sea mum made me cross, and dare I say it, a little pompous.

  40. Sister Wolf says:

    MJ – All those drug names are pretty sinister.

    Cricket9 – I forgot how much I love “sourced”, thank you!

    Jk- He’s just trying to provoke us, he can’t seriously believe himself.

    SwanDIamondRose – That stupid little jesus boytoy owes ME the apology.

    fashionherald – She is an angel!

    erika – Collages are very theraputic, I wish I was better at it.

    Braindance – I myself am unable to decode serpentine’s message. It sounded like a lecture, but that’s okay. Thank you for looking out for me,

  41. Lizzifer says:

    I have some extra horns if you want some?

  42. cfnm says:

    I can not reject that you have brought your idea through. This is a very good blog. I would most certainly suggest my friends to read this.

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