Since some people have actual lives, I am once again providing a summary of the Golden Globes Awards, having sat through most of it in a stupor when I wasn’t busy peeing or getting snacks.
It was a pretty dull event, as always, but this year there were three men I wanted to have sex with, a record number! The lucky winners of the Please Can I Have Sex With You awards were: Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell, and Sacha Baron Cohen. And Colin, by please, I mean PLEASE.
On the subject of men, there were a frightening number of soul patches. Bruce Springsteen and Billy Ray Cyrus led the soul patch brigade, but it was all over the place.
Sting was revolting in a long frock coat that emphasized his self-importance. J Lo‘s butt was bigger than ever, dwarfing her miniature husband. Tom Cruise was able to walk alone without clutching his robo-wife, who was probably out in search of more Birkin bags and boyfriend jeans. During the breaks, Tom could be seen schmoozing his way around the room, looking remarkably slim and airbrushed.
Kate Winslet was a goddess. She looked gorgeous but human, and one couldn’t ask for a nicer movie star. When praising her fellow nominees, she forgot Angelina, who gave her a lethal smile that simmered with hatred. Angie looked strangely washed out and waxen. Enough already with the kids, Angie!
Laura Dern seemed like a good person but she looked like a giraffe. Drew Barrymore had a blond make-over and flashed her tongue-stud. Poor Drew, she and her BFF Cameron Diaz are so unlucky in the boyfriend department, they should just marry each other.
Salma Hyak was there with her monumental boobs, barely able to speak English. She made sure to gush over Penelope Cruz, in case there’s anyone left on the planet who doesn’t know how tight they are.
Demi Moore looked stunningly youthful in a white wedding cake dress, but couldn’t resist humiliating her ungainly daughter by telling her not to “slump.” How mean can that bitch be?! Rumor can’t help it if she’s a hunchback, and she was clearly doing her best to look normal.
Mickey Rourke looked bizarre and terrifying in his role as Complete Weirdo. I liked his metal teeth, though, and I assume he said “motherfucker” a few times when he got bleeped during his acceptance speech. Personally, I wouldn’t see his movie for less than $500. But when he thanked his director and Bruce Springsteen, even calling the Boss “brother,” he proved yet again what Hollywood movies are all about: The Love Between Men. Because nothing – nothing – is more beautiful.