Golden Globes 2009 Exegesis

Since some people have actual lives, I am once again providing a summary of the   Golden Globes Awards, having sat through most of it in a stupor when I wasn’t busy peeing or getting snacks.

It was a pretty dull event, as always, but this year there were three men I wanted to have sex with, a record number! The lucky winners of the Please Can I Have Sex With You awards were: Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell, and Sacha Baron Cohen.   And Colin, by please, I mean PLEASE.

On the subject of men, there were a frightening number of soul patches. Bruce Springsteen and Billy Ray Cyrus led the soul patch brigade, but it was all over the place.

Sting was revolting in a long frock coat that emphasized his self-importance. J Lo‘s butt was bigger than ever, dwarfing her miniature husband. Tom Cruise was able to walk alone without clutching his robo-wife, who was probably out in search of more Birkin bags and boyfriend jeans. During the breaks, Tom could be seen schmoozing his way around the room, looking remarkably slim and airbrushed.

Kate Winslet was a goddess. She looked gorgeous but human, and one couldn’t ask for a nicer movie star. When praising her fellow nominees, she forgot Angelina, who gave her a lethal smile that simmered with hatred. Angie looked strangely washed out and waxen. Enough already with the kids, Angie!

Laura Dern seemed like a good person but she looked like a giraffe. Drew Barrymore had a blond make-over and flashed her tongue-stud. Poor Drew, she and her BFF Cameron Diaz are so unlucky in the boyfriend department, they should just marry each other.

Salma Hyak was there with her monumental boobs, barely able to speak English. She made sure to gush over Penelope Cruz, in case there’s anyone left on the planet who doesn’t know how tight they are.

Demi Moore looked stunningly youthful in a white wedding cake dress, but couldn’t resist humiliating her ungainly daughter by telling her not to “slump.” How mean can that bitch be?! Rumor can’t help it if she’s a hunchback, and she was clearly doing her best to look normal.

Mickey Rourke looked bizarre and terrifying in his role as Complete Weirdo. I liked his metal teeth, though, and I assume he said “motherfucker” a few times when he got bleeped during his acceptance speech. Personally, I wouldn’t see his movie for less than $500. But when he thanked his director and Bruce Springsteen, even calling the Boss “brother,” he proved yet again what Hollywood movies are all about: The Love Between Men.   Because nothing – nothing – is more beautiful.

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16 Responses to Golden Globes 2009 Exegesis

  1. Skye says:

    Thank you for saving me from watching it!

    I have pondered the Cameron/Drew thing before, after all they both have boys’ names – surely they could just hook up and save us all from worrying over their bad taste/luck with men.

    Are you sure you want to have sex with Colin Farrell, he is a tiny wee man with very small hands (I have stood next to him and I am 5’2 and he was barely any taller)!

  2. sleepy says:

    Mickey Rourke looks like he is melting.
    His face is sliding off his head. A most disturbing look.

  3. Johnny and Sasha I can understand… but is there anyone in Hollywood who works harder than Colin at being the smoldering bad boy?

    Is there some kind of reverse ratio.. the more you say fuck the less you can?

  4. David Duff says:

    “Salma Hyak was there with her monumental boobs”

    But, I thought those were the ‘Golden Globes’. Have I got it all wrong again?

    If so, and to avoid embarrassing myself, again, please tell me what a “soul patch” is; I mean, I know the Catholics used to be pretty nifty at flogging off absolutions and bits of teh cross and so forth, so are they at it again?

    Incidentally, I came awake early this morning to the sound of Kate Winslet over-acting her acceptance speech. If it had been an audition only one word would have sufficed: “NEXT!”

  5. Ann says:

    The only appropriate word for Sting indeed is “revolting.” Looking back, I realize I forgot to include him on your most recent Who Should We Hate list. He’s just horrid.

    What sort of snacks did you have during the show?

  6. Juri says:

    Thank you! I’m always too lazy to watch trough these galas, and now that you’ve posted your report I don’t have to. I could see it all happen as I read it.

    Even though I didn’t see the show, and Sting, with my physical eyes my mind’s eyes tell me he should have gone on stage with Bono. Sting’s self-importance would have been overshadowed by Bono’s and shrunk to appear as tiny as J-Lo’s husband next to her butt.

  7. Johnny Depp was indeed delicious and Mickey Rourke frightening.

  8. Den Deni says:

    Thank you for sparing me wasted time watching the little people in the box, that sits in my living room, telling me what I should do, buy, look like, feel, think, eat, dress, who to obsess over, ad nauseam. I, instead, walked along the marvelous coast (at least a mile of it), well, yes, with thoughts of Johnny running all through my head but it’s hard to escape the box’s control.
    When I die I know I’ll regret every singe minute spent sitting, zombie like, in front of that boob tube. However, I’ll rejoice for every walk on the beach, every getting together with friends, every book I’ve read, and every art show, every minute I’ve spend contemplating my navel. The ninth circle of hell is a saggy couch, a bag of crisps, and reruns and award shows.
    I should start repenting now . . . .


  9. Kelly says:

    I must add that Tom Brokaw seemed an insufferable blow-hard with his whole ‘I was up close and personal with Nixon’ crap.

  10. Bex says:

    Oh!! I missed it!! Never mind.

  11. I need to have a talk with you about Colin Farell and you need to give a talking too, to mean mother Demi!

  12. These awards shows would be sooooo much better if you were writing them.

  13. Sister Wolf says:

    Skye -I never even realized they both had guy names! Re the small hands…I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.

    Sleepy – Horrible.

    Dexter -I know what mean but then I saw In Bruges, and the die was cast.

    David – You are quite right, those WERE the actual Globes, my mistake. A soul patch is that awful tuft of facial hair just beneath the lip. Don’t even think about it.

    Ann – Did we really forget Sting? Are we insane?!?!? I had chocolate biscotti, aple pie ice cream, and peanut M & Ms. (I’m on a health food kick)

    Juri – I thought of Bono too after Sting came out. They should be a tag team.

    Iheartfashion – I like being on the same page as you.

    Deni – Oh, Deni. When I Die, I’ll wish I’d watched even more TV! But we both deserve some Johnny Depp in our lives.

    Kelly -YES! And his speech impediment is getting worse, too.

    Bex- That’s what I’m here for!

    Make Do – Please don’t take Colin away from me! I know he’s a slut but just don’t care!

    San Diego Farmgirl – I think I should do the narration, definitely. If only I had seen Renee Zellweggar’s dress last night, I would have cried out for an ambulance.

  14. jools says:

    I was just so happy Rene Z. looked so bad. (forgive me Rene) And you gotta love Tina Fey. When she said just when you’re thinking how great you are you can go on the internet?!!!!! And that moment when Kate W. said and who IS that other one? Hahaha. Just little ole Angelina Republican Jolie. Thought it a pretty good show. Oh and what’s up with Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore?! They went all grey gardens on us!

    Deni, get a tivo and fast forward! You won’t be sorry.

  15. WendyB says:

    This is a funny summary but I must say I LOVED The Wrestler!

  16. oh, Sting! I’d like to take this moment to remind Stewart Copeland to keep kicking him in the ass during music videos.

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