Hair is All

Aside from life and death, hair is all that matters. A really bad hair situation will trump  everything else, and I mean everything.

Fucked up hair is excruciating. The pain is relentless. The knowledge that it’s your own fault makes it a source of  bitter self-loathing. “Why did I do this? Why wasn’t I satisfied with the hair I had?” Every encounter with a mirror is a fresh horror.

If both my legs were broken, I would still be wailing about my hair. If I had thirty seconds to live, I would scream, “But my hair looks awful!”

Fiscal cliffs, gun nuts, my dog’s toothache, our fine young men and women in Afghanistan, none of it matters like my bad hair. It was once long and luxurious and black, even though it was frizzy and brittle. Now I look like a Real Housewife from Somewhere.

If character is destiny, I’m a complete cunt. But I can’t go on like this. Tomorrow I’m going to try to change it back, or at least restore its brunetteness.

If you hate me, this should be a great moment for you. Enjoy! If you love me, then pray to the god of your understanding that my hair turns out okay.


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25 Responses to Hair is All

  1. Alias Clio says:

    Leave your hair alone, Sister. You’ll get used to it. Every big change inspires one to say “Gack! Why did I DO this?” (I felt that way about moving to Paris for 3 months. Lucky I didn’t obey my impulse to turn around and go home.)

    Just googled you up on impulse – and figured, when I saw this post, that I must have been divinely led here to give you my advice.


    p.s. It looks very pretty – in a GOOD way. You do not like a Housewife-of-Wherever. They’re all superblond, not badger-striped; they curl the ends – the latest trend; and they wear – horrors – pale pink or peach lip gloss.

  2. Don’t talk to me about your bad hair. It’s like someone complaining about blisters on their feet to someone who has no legs! My hair is dark, dry, curly/frizzy, not unlike pubic hair, and I spend a fortune, both time and money, just to get it to look unoffensive.

  3. Harmreduction says:

    Your hair takes over 10 years off you! You look like the hardest choices you have had to make was regarding the color and/or weave of your socks; daily.

    Give yourself sometime to adjust, as well as go out often in public,and see how common folk grovel and bow due to your glowing beauty.

    Thatis all.

  4. Sam says:

    I totally understand……. But the problem is in your head not on it. X

  5. Ruth says:

    This post made me laugh. My hairdresser sent my hair too light yesterday and now all I can see is my dark eyebrows crawling across my face like caterpillars. Of course, being the holiday season getting an appointment to remedy is impossible for another two weeks.
    My partner IS in Afghanistan and had his weekly phone call last night, all I could do was wail about my hair and of course he was comforting and caring and told me it wouldn’t matter if I had no hair or a mullet, he’d still think I was the hottest thing around. I’m sure he was quietly thinking to himself, “Is this b* for real!? I’m being shot at and she’s crying about her hair!”. But hey, that’s what makes him awesome.

    PS your posts (as infrequent as they now are) seem happier, I hope this is true for you, we all deserve happiness even if some have to work harder to achieve it xoxo

  6. It is fine, sorry really wonderful, you will get used to it!! xx

  7. Sorry that was really short but am so busy but I loved the post

  8. Bevitron says:

    The hair looks great, you look great. I know it doesn’t amount to a hill of shit to hear when you have hair despair, but it really does look good, does not look fucked up. You are not a cunt, you can go on. I do not enjoy your despair and I wish with all my cells that whatever you do to it will give you great satisfaction and happiness.

    You know what I hate? When someone has snickered and hooted about my unfortunate hair experiments and they hoot and snicker STILL about them, even ones that happened decades ago, and THEY have committed far more stare-provoking and outright hysterical lethal hair-fucks than I could even think of, but I have never said a word about theirs because I know the pain. It makes me want to say “did you mean it to look like that?” every time I see them, but I don’t because, like I say, I know the pain.

  9. Jane says:

    You are so right.

    When I was diagnosed with cancer whilst I was upset about the cancer, I was mostly irate about the hair loss to come from chemo. Still am.

    Of course it does grow back but by fuck it takes a long time.

    My solution was to stop looking in the mirror.

  10. Cricket9 says:

    A friend completely lost her hair – all of it, everywhere, including eyebrows and eyelashes, due to alopecia. Got married in a short red wig, looked totally hot. As Sam said – it’s in your head, not on it.

  11. Lisa says:

    I’m sorry you don’t like it, but I think it really looks very pretty- and no, you do not look like one of those douchebag “real” housewives!

  12. Sally says:

    did i read on this blog somewhere that you are over fifty? lady if this is a recent photo and you are over 50 please stop your complaining and be bloody grateful. i’d kill for that hair of yours, now what’s your address?

  13. annemarie says:

    I totally disagree with many of the above comments. You need to change it back pronto. You are a raven-haired goddess and Ruby Woo goddess– what the fuck were you thinking? How could you do this? I AM PRAYING FOR YOU xoxo

  14. Bonnie says:

    I know how you feel. I freak out every time I change my hair. I don’t know why. It’s not like it can’t grow out or back or whatever. It’s crazy but I feel like a huge part of my identity is wrapped up in my hair.
    Having said all that, I think yours looks pretty. Not at all like a cunty real housewife.

  15. morgan kozlowski says:

    I’ve been doing hair for 8 years. I live too far away to come to you and help. Though I would if I could. If you want some advice before you do anything else to it yourself you can call me and I will talk you through it so you can do it yourself. I know how much a woman’s hair means to her and I love you and want you to feel your best. Please email me for my # if you’d like to chat. I’m not selling anything I just want you to be happy.

  16. Andra says:

    The hair looks great and so do you.
    Give it a week and you will love it.
    You are still gorgeous and desirable and don’t you forget it!

  17. Kristin says:

    In the middle of all this I just want to wish you a Merry Christmas Sister Wolf.

  18. Ali says:

    Im saying hair incantations and calling on the powers Of the Krampus. A mean hair lady chopped mine shortish a month ago…. People were confused when I asked them, “do I look like I got a haircut???!” and responded with a huff/shriek when they answered, “yes”. Somebody even followed up ther response with a dismissive sniff, “WOMEN”. This only gave me the leeway I needed to tell them to go fck themselves.

    I hope you enjoyed this nice, vitriolic Christmas tale.

  19. Ali says:

    Maybe vitriolic is not a word. That’s ok. It is my gift to the English language.

  20. Hammie says:

    The difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is 3 weeks. I have no advice for dying other than don’t cut. Dye back, then treat with the best Aussie hair products until it recovers through regular trims of less than an inch every 6 weeks.
    I once asked a hairdresser to cut my hair like Amelie and came out looking like Phil Oakey from the Human league. I wore a hat for a year.

  21. Jaimi says:

    You look great! But ugh, I feel you on getting a result that doesn’t feel like you. I just went a little too wild with platinum highlights and the result is more trashy teen mom than Exene Cervenka. It was pretty tragic for about a week. With a little tweaking, I’m liking it just fine.

    Merry Christmas! I love the lesbian stick story!

  22. ali says:

    IT IS a word. …. well ok

    p.s. keep posting those ballet photos… loving it. Very taken by anything balanchine and diaghilev these days… currrently working my way through a 3rd balanchine biography.

  23. Marky says:

    Keep it for a month before you make any decisions. It doesn’t scream Real Housewife; it screams Manicured Rocker Chick.

  24. Debbie says:

    Sister, I read this post after the Lesbian Stick story post and I repeat … you are CRAZY and I wanna look like you.

    Your hair is BEAUTIFUL. Color’s great and you will get used to it. I have been unemployed one year (i know, i know, i’m always harping about my unemployment) BUT do you know how expensive it is to stay blonde?! I have a “mom” hairdo and soon I will no longer be able to afford to keep it blonde. I had to let it go au natural three years ago when I was unemployed the first time. I do not like good with grey hair. I look 70 years old. Plus, my hair has changed … it used to be wavy with body and now it’s fuzzy and wiry. I’d kill for hair like yours. You can probably get up, brush and go. I have to get up, blow dry, flat iron, style, spray … it’s never ending. But I feel you. Truly.

    And you could NEVER look like a real housewife. THANK GOD. You’re much too original. <3

  25. Bex says:

    Yes, brunettes rule. Also, hair does rule all, have you seen those What Would You Do episodes? First thing thing those people say, “I can’t believe I’m on camera! My hair is awful!” Or a variation on that theme.

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