Is Your Pubic Hair Silky?

fur oil

Three young women noticed a vacuum in the marketplace for pubic hair grooming products, and voila! They formed a company to right that wrong, called Fur.

Because money.

Wait, I’m so sorry, I meant to say, because why shouldn’t we take care of our pubic hair like we take care of the hair on our heads? That is their thinking, apparently.

If only they had asked me that question, I would’ve answered, “Because our public hair is not scorched by styling tools, dye, sun and wind!” And because public has it’s own texture: that’s why they call it pubic hair.

Anyway, who needs common sense where grooming products are concerned, right? If you can be made to feel insecure or inadequate about any area of your body, you will consider buying a product. Let’s say your heels aren’t baby-smooth. You’ll buy one of those egg-shaped things to scrape away at your heels until they’re ready to diaper.

So, the creators of Fur realized that women are moving away from waxing, although according to Fashionista, that doesn’t mean “going totally 70’s.”

I mean, god no. The 70’s were like the fucking National Geographic, with all that public hair! Ugh, the horror of looking natural. Forget that. We’re talking more about “some hair” in the “nether regions.” Not a whole jungle, okay?

And that hair needs to be silky. It needs to be softened with a special oil that costs $39.

Fur Oil’s unique blend of lightweight oils softens pubic hair and clears pores for fewer ingrowns and healthier skin. The 100% natural formula is gently antiseptic, antimicrobial, and reduces inflammation.  Fur Oil can be used as frequently as desired to enhance pubic hair and skin, and is also suitable for use on the face and body.

Directions: Apply Fur Oil liberally to clean pubic hair and skin.  For best results use as part of a daily regimen.

Are you in? For another $32, you can buy Fur’s other product, Stubble Cream,

a lightweight, natural emulsion [that] smoothes prickly regrowth, clears pores for fewer ingrowns and protects pubic skin.

Obviously, I find this annoying and even depressing. It’s also misogyny pretending to be empowering or something. If you have pubic hair, it’s nice for your partner if you bathe regularly. Then, you’re good to go.

Not only is my pubic hair silky enough, my belly button is fine without any belly button products and so are my knees without knee products. I already have enough body issues and shit to keep myself in line, cosmetically.

Finally there is Fur’s packaging and font. The creators wanted something elegant and “timeless, like Chanel” but with the “shock factor of the words pubic hair.” To me, it looks clinical but kind of scary, with the truncated letter f lending it a German quality that makes me uneasy.

Why not just call it Führer, or even Führer For The Pussy?

Take it away before I get madder.

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7 Responses to Is Your Pubic Hair Silky?

  1. Marky says:

    Stupid. I hate people.

  2. David Duff says:

    But do they offer a pubic hair restorer? About 30 years ago I was hit by alopecia, a condition normally reserved for very young teen-age girls – yeeeeeeees, quite!

    Anyway, amongst other hairy areas, all my pubes fell off. That wasn’t all bad because it made my willy look bigger and I didn’t have to offer the ‘Memsahib’ a finder’s fee to rummage about in the, er, undergrowth, as it were! Happily, due to some meds taken recently for other reasons, including steroids, my eyebrows are back and my arms and legs are even hairier than before but, alas, little willy, still stands, or lolls about, alone on the empty prairie!

    So, fur fuck’s sake, fur, get on and produce some ‘fur-telizer’!

  3. Sam says:

    That’s it, I’m all done here.
    Can I go back to my real home planet now??

  4. Suzanne says:

    This has to be one of your funniest posts, ever. Thank you!

  5. Andra says:

    David, all you need is a ferkin…..seriously.
    I’ll take up a collection and send it asap.

  6. Dj says:

    speak for yourself about scorching styling tools, dye, sun and wind….haaaahaaaaa….actually fuckery of the highest, or is it lowest, order….

  7. Madam Restora says:

    Just when I think I’m starting to understand some stuff.

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