When I heard this morning that Brad and Angie are getting divorced, I was filled with a deep joy that spread through my being like one of Sting’s tantric orgasms, only better.
Who among us has not been waiting for this day, silently wishing they would shut the fuck up about their relationship and commitment to their kid collection.
Coming in the midst of the pestilence we call Donald Trump, their break up is just what this country needs and I for one would like to thank them for pulling it out just in time.
Thank you, Brad and Angie!
Thank you for everything, not just for getting divorced!
Thank you for the scandal that brought you to fame, thank you for elevating Jennifer Aniston to a national symbol of betrayed womanhood, thank you for the red-carpet PDA’s, thank you for the international photo ops, thank you for the self-adulating interviews, thank you for the awful Louis Vuitton and Chanel ad campaigns, thank you for letting us share your love of your children when you take them to toy stores, thank you for teaching us about cancer genes and refugees, thank you for being such great humanitarians and art collectors and real estate developers, thank you for letting Shiloh be a boy, thank you for calling everything “great fun” or “grand” and finally, thank you for the botox.
There is so much more, and in time it would be great fun if I could remember it all.
Meanwhile, as we wait patiently fir the stories and counterstories to emerge, let’s try to guess what happened.
Brad cheated. Brad ‘s temper. Brad’s substance abuse. Brad’s IQ. Brad’s hats.
Angie’s eating disorder. Angie’s drug addiction. Angie’s jealousy. Those fucking neutral colors.
Who even cares?!?
Let’s just be grateful for what we are to receive, amen.