It’s hard to make new friends when you’re old, and even harder when you’re morose, needy, and opinionated. I’ve lived in my “new” community for 7 years and have made one friend, but she’s very busy with work and family. I’m not an extrovert by any means, but I do crave companionship, so much so that new people usually hasten to escape my orbit.
When I first moved here I had high hopes for meeting people. A friend of a friend was dating a woman called M, who was smart, well-read, and “fun” when she was drinking. Soon after we met, she invited me to sit on her lap, and I did! Why not? She was amusing, pretty, and I was drinking too.
M befriended me and introduced me to her teen daughters. She reported that the girls thought I was So Cool, and she hoped I would spend some time with them. I grew close to the older girl, a gorgeous high school student who thought she was ugly and had been dumped on the ride home from prom by a boy who texted her while his dad drove.
M started to ghost me but I tried not to notice. Her boyfriend revealed that M no longer wanted to be friends because I didn’t believe in god. That was a new one! I couldn’t take this seriously, since M wasn’t religious. Finally, I confronted her by text, and she said I was “too sad.” Interestingly, she had been drawn to my sadness at first. But now I was too sad for a woman who never, ever stopped ranting about her daughter had been raped ” in the face.”
I was so hurt that I considered getting a license plate reading 2SAD4U. Actually, I’d still like to have that but I’m too lazy to begin the process. 2LAZ4U would be even better.
Later, I met L, who was daffy but fun, and we shared some obscure enthusiasms, like Mexican Wedding Earrings and silk pj’s. I sent her a photo of my dresser, and she sent me one of her dresser. They were nearly identical!
But every time I asked her if she wanted to get together, L was doing something else. After at least 5 efforts, I gave up. Was I too sad or too lazy? Or was I too much like her? Oh well.
Not long ago, I met V at the supermarket. She screamed, “Your hair is so beautiful!” and I turned around ready to marry her. She continued to shower me with compliments, and I returned each one. She had nice hair, she was really pretty, good style, etc. We stood and talked about all kinds of things including her violent father and her favorite Maybelline mascara. I gave her my phone number and told her I would love to hang out or go to Sephora together. When I texted her, she blew me off.
Then, at Nordstrom, I met a lady my age who had just moved here from Chicago after a divorce. We talked about our kids and, at great length, about our wrinkly necks and the many methods that won’t help despite costing thousands of dollars. We exchanged phone numbers. When I texted her, she said she would love to get together after she “got settled in.” That was months ago.
M, L, and V could be reasonably described as crazy, but that was hardly a deal-breaker for me.
Last night in desperation I went to the park for a Menorah lighting thing, even though I’m an atheist who doesn’t practice Judaism. I figured there was a chance of meeting someone local who might be friend material. After talking to a few people, I learned that I have a strong aversion to yellow teeth. Then, miraculously, I met a nice woman with a nose ring and a cute baby. She was smart, warm, and exhibited no craziness. We exchanged phone numbers but I think by the end she just felt sorry for me.
My husband came to walk me home from the park, and I expressed my deep sympathy for the small gathering of Jews, which perplexed him. I explained that I was touched by their willingness to come out on a cold night to embrace their religious traditions, even though everyone has hated them for three thousand years. They aren’t giving up, just like me trying to find friends.
Meanwhile, an actual close friend won’t return my calls and I’m getting nervous. I hope it’s nothing to do with god or sadness. I might try her again later.
L’chaim!
It is not possible, new friends at this age. I get annoyed at myself every time I try. Sometimes I think if my husband dies, I will become a lesbian, just for the friendship.
Pocketsound – LOL! Maybe you could move near me!
Like leaving comments on a fucking blog and never getting replies, like a horribly uncool kid who everyone just wants to go away. Yeah I have no idea what that’s like.
Dana -Oh god, if I have not responded to your comments, it’s because of laziness and inertia. Please forgive! You are a cool kid. The popular kids are losers.
M seems to like being the center of attention and realized you are more interesting than she is, so she gave you some weak excuses and tried to blame that on you. Probably did not help that her daughters liked you so much as well. L could be…agoraphobic? Not sure. V sounds like she’s friendly with strangers but with no actual close friends because she’s afraid of people getting to know the “real” her. Nordstrom lady is still figuring herself out, guarded because of the recent divorce, there may be hope with her. I myself am a person guilty of “ghosting” new friends due to my own fear of rejection, so that is where I am coming from. None of their “unfriendliness” is your fault, basically.
Vee – How amazingly insightful of you! On so little information, I think you’ve nailed it. I’m so impressed! And grateful! xo
I find myself in the same boat. I have given up trying,esp. after having joined a therapy group where the members gave me shit for not trying enough. After assessing what I want out of life this afternoon I realized it was no longer anything at all. Mostly I try to avoid being a bother to everyone. I’m happy to be your friend, but I am on the east coast. I broke up with my family last summer and at this point only have my husband. Don’t mean to sound whiny. I too like fashion and rock music. Been reading your blog since around 2010.
J D – Aw, shit, about your therapy group. You’re probably not a group person. Me neither. Have tried, can’t do it. I hear you about not wanting anything…I think it’s just being numb from life’s punches, worlds events, etc. We can be cyber-friends! Cyber-friends are sometimes realer than the other kind. xo
The only way I have met new people is through my job. Where there is no getting away from them and we either click or don’t. Making friends now seems like dating, People have a bunch of options and pick the one they think will demand the least from them.
I hate it. And having a personality is not needy. It’s realistic. Maybe they are so used to people in the tv that they can just turn off, and the people magically disappear? Requiring no emotional energies?
I don’t know but it’s lame.
Kellie – I guess it’s one good thing about having to go to work…a chance of meeting someone with a shared perspective (or at least someone you could have coffee with!)
I had a kid “late” at 40 will be 50 next year. There is so much to “unpack” (my god that word!) in becoming a first time parent at that age when most of the parents at school are up to 25 years younger than me.I have only met two women, one my age and another 5 years older who were in the older first time parent of a “single” child. I ended up ghosting both of them after giving a lot of myself. It has been absolute pain meeting with mums from playgroups, mother’s groups to now – the school fricking gate. I have tried valiantly for 10 years to ensure my kid gets to hang out with peers in age, organising playdates and dealing with the anxiety around hanging/meeting new people where we only have our kids in common. My hubby doesn’t have to expend the mental/emotional energy this takes as I’m the primary carer (and have been out of the workforce for 10 years). I thought he didn’t understand but recently surprised me by saying “I can’t wait until we don’t have to go to the park anymore”, he finds it sad, us parents standing around avoiding eye contact (we do it too) whilst supervising the kid. I hear that when the kids get to high school you don’t have to deal with parents. I will say that one friendship has endured that I’ve made since becoming a mum, a woman ten years younger from mother’s group when our kids were just months old. Sisterwolf you are like a friend here on your blog (sounds corny I know!) because I relate to so much of what you say and you’ve shared so much it feels like I know you. I’m on the other side of the planet but would love to have coffee with you! Btw yeah, Vee’s insights are amazing and ring true.
Sally – I would SO love to have coffee with you! I had my second child at 40, and I remember how weird it as. But even as a young mother, I found it hard to relate to other parents who I had nothing in common with except motherhood. With my second kid, I was lucky enough to find a small group of older moms who shared a sensibility…smart and sarcastic…but it was pure luck. Most people are so boring so it figures that all those parents in the park are boring too. I just wish we could have that fucking coffee.
It’s none of my business, but @Pocketsound could always “try lesbianism” before her husband dies. He might even prefer that sequence of events.
I just don’t know how to do it. Every last one of my great friends of yesteryear have moved away, died, or find my psychic scars from my last devastating depression to be too damn repellent and scary to risk exposure. I’ve tried hanging out with the people who like some of the same stuff I like but it’s just awkward and sad, and it makes me ache for that kind of miracle friendship that you just fall into, god knows how, and you both find the same shit hilarious and appalling and there’s no adjustment period, and conflicts and fights are workable annoyances. It’s gold. The best kind of thing I can drum up anymore is tin and zinc, and my resentment kills off any potential. I think it’s because I’m old and inflexible and not a positive type. No kids, so there’s that, too. Oh Lord, cue violins. Memento mori and all that shit.
Keep writing your wonderful words, Sister Wolf. You’re my best friend that you don’t know that you are. I send gold friend-love every day.
Bevitron – I fixed it. But anyway, halfway through your comment, I thought, “BUT WE ARE GOLDEN FRIENDS! Wherever you are, you are on my wavelength. If you lived near me, we would hang out every single day. Your existence has been a joy and a comfort to me throughout. Never leave me.