Me, Me Me, and My Incredible DNA!

Do you watch those adds for 23 and Me and think, Gee, I should really do this because it would be fascinating to learn more about me?

Same here! I’m so interested in my DNA because I know I’m special. My ancestors are probably special too. My grandparents were all Jews from Eastern Europe but my DNA will probably show that I’m descended from Queen Nefertiti and The Romanov family. I wouldn’t be surprised to find that Albert Einstein is my 11th cousin!

I’ve often wondered how I got to be me. It can’t just be some shit about my crazy parents and my early childhood trauma. The story of Me is so much more complicated and goes so far back! It’s not about my parents’ divorce or my mom’s psychiatric profile! The wonder of me started millions of years ago in the swampy brine of our prehistoric planet. That’s where the real answers are.

23 and Me can show me my traits, a whole list of them, because I have never really met myself and thus need to see my traits printed out. Here’s what I can learn from a swab of my saliva:

So fascinating! I’ve often wondered about my earwax type, or rather my genetic propensity toward a certain earwax type. Not to mention my photic sneeze reflex. I don’t think I have red hair, but I want to be sure. And I’d like to know where I stand on my toe length ratio. Because then, I don’t know, I’ll just feel more familiar with my feet.

I want to find out when the depression got into my genetic code. Hundreds of years ago or what? And why do I have so many fillings and crowns on my teeth? What if my sensitivity to smell is inherited?!?!? Then, when I walk into a house and smell a gas leak, I can shout “I smell gas and my ancestors did too!”

Also, what about my-nearsightedness? I know my parents were near-sighted but it must be a long and fascinating tale that didn’t begin with us. There’s just so much I’m curious about!

Being me has always been kind of meh. “Who the fuck are you” I have asked my self bitterly, with no clear answer. I’m not just a bunch of misfiring neurons, godammit. I am amazing! With a long long history of amazingness.

I have wasted so much time reading the classics, reading shit about philosophy, psychology, art, culture, politics, without learning anything about Me and how I came to have freckles when I was a kid.

What a dope I am. Don’t be like me, be You! 23 and Me is running a special for Mother’s Day. Find out why you’re so amazing RIGHT NOW, at 20% off.



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9 Responses to Me, Me Me, and My Incredible DNA!

  1. Kelly Russell says:

    I’m sure my unibrow means that I am related to Frida Kahlo.

  2. Mary Liz says:

    I’ve been mildly curious to learn about that stuff but too late, all the males in my immediate family are dead. Seems swabs from male and female relatives are needed. Straight line back to Ireland on my mother’s side (hence the propensity to alcohol abuse) the mental illness appears on my father’s side, where ancestry is muddied.

  3. Romeo says:

    Just get your ass to a local psychic and have them tell you about your past lives.

  4. Hope says:

    Sephardic Jews were always known as good cooks and I am not.Only started to cook very recently just basic things.DNA test would cost money which I would rather spend .

  5. Dj says:

    Wait a minute! I’m a direct descendant of the Romanovs!

  6. jody says:

    i’ve never heard of this….only thing i’ve heard of is and i know it must be a HUGE profit rich money maker. the commercials are so annoying I will never use it.

    I just caught up on all your writing and I must say…..always a good read and your perspective always appreciated on topics. Especially the TV show reviews…LOL. And so sorry about max. I.Cant.Even!!!! hugs, carry on your writing is always great.

  7. AK says:

    I did 23 and me for free, as part of a community based study. Some of the things were really dumb. I already knew I had straight hair, for example. The ancestry part was fascinating, especially the neanderthal part. Just recently they added Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. A friend who also did it, with a strong family history, is afraid to check on that part.

  8. Suspended says:

    People’s never ending vanity is a far reaching cash cow.

  9. Tram says:

    You can check out my husband’s DNA company, Purple Smog…your DNA determines how you handle cannabis.

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