It was a night of big thighs and vigorous twerking, with white “artists” scoring a perfect zero.
Kanye provided the obligatory dis to Taylor Swift in a short but obnoxious tribute to himself.
Taylor is a bad sport, so in the absence of nominations she was a no-show, which was a relief.
But even without Taylor, it was a painfully tedious and mostly stupid affair. punctuated by FOUR exciting performances by my fiance, Rihanna.
Riri showed off her versatility as a singer and fashion icon, on point throughout She is nothing but good. She is a goddess, she is gangsta, she designs great shoes, and as a bonus, she doesn’t pretend to be a feminist.
On the feminism front, we had Beyonce strutting about in her leotard, whipping her long extensions around and shaking her ass in a medley about a cheating husband and her African American heritage. It was a strong case for women’s equality.
Poor Britney Spears lip-synced her way through a sad showgirl routine, unaccountably joined by a creepy young douche called G-Eazy. D-Sgusting.
Joe Jonas pretended not to be gay in a dopey production number that started off in a diner. Don’t ask me, I have no idea.
In the huge butt department, Nicki Minaj went overboard this year, looking absolutely gigantic. Kim Kardashian wore a see-through dress, revealing that she has now lost too much weight to deliver the customary shock of her massive ass. EAT, KIM, before it’s too late!
Future performed an aggressive rap, grabbing his crotch and surrounded by gyrating thugs. Whatever he was rapping about, it was obscured by bleeps. I guess that’s a good sign if you’re a rapper, right?
A band called DNCE won the best new artist award and were a noteworthy eyesore. Here, look for yourself:
It’s hard to believe they’re real. I’m just glad they didn’t perform.
Ariana Grande pranced across the stage in a bra, singing loudly but unable to enunciate. Does anyone know the point of her?
Okay, that’s it. Sorry. Let me know if I forgot anything.