Thanks to the creative thinking of reader ‘annemarie’, I hereby announce the formation of PAP Smear, a non-profit organization devoted to Swiftboating the Republican candidate for Vice President. Patriots Against Palin will strategically deploy facts and rumors devised to undermine her candidacy. We will use the public record and our own fevered imaginations to smear her reputation, such as it is.
I will be PAP Smear’s CEO. Just nominate yourselves for the position you are most unfit for (a tribute to Palin herself!) If you’re bad with numbers, you can be the treasurer, and so on. However, we do need someone who is good at graphic design to create our logo.
Please take a moment from your busy lives to sign up! Sister Wolf will review your applications and announce the executive and staff positions on Monday night.
If you’re sick of politics, let’s focus on fashion instead! Just when I thought I’d found a leopard print item I might wear without looking like Peg Bundy or Jackie Collins, it turned out that Zenggi won’t ship to the US. Fuckers! I still want the dress, from by Malene Birger.
Well since I’m a born and raised atheist I nominate myself as the PAP Smear Chaplain/Pastor.
Ship it to Ireland. I will forward it to you.
I guess I better be in charge of the choir; as I currently get paid NOT to sing by Mr Hammie and The Boo. (even Bratty covers her ears)
xx
I shall be the literacy (oops, did I mean legitimacy??) expert. After all, who knew that Sarah would mix up the words and inadvertently call the baby Trig when she really meant to call him “Math” as in “I can’t do the math so how the hell could I do trig?” Or perhaps he should be named “Logic” to bolster Sarah’s desire for us to accept the logic behind a 27 hour labor with a 5th special needs baby for whom a neonatal team should have been standing by at the birth.
And don’t you think what Sarah meant to say is that she “bought” the baby rather than “birthed” the baby. How much do you think he cost? I guess that is a question for the Secretary of the Treasury who can get back to us with the answer.
oh i am so honored! am i famous now?
i’d like to be the Senior Political Strategist. and i would like to nominate Patrick H as the Chief Publicist. though certain people may suspect him of having an education, i think his proven record of rhetorical flair, innuendo, and penchant for medievalisms may appeal to those who identify with Rapture Speak.
here’s another thing: there have been studies that have shown that babies with special needs who are breast-fed for the first two years of their life advanced much further in terms of mental and emotional development than those without.
guess she won’t have time for that once she’s VP. oh well, fuck it! he got to be on telly, didn’t he? what a lucky little boy!
I’m pleased to announce that I’ve accepted the position as treasurer. I have no training or experience dealing with numbers or money but I’m good looking and impulsive. After all, Palin’s politics are not about experience or skill but about appearances and quick judgments.
Sister Wolf: This organization is hilarious. I’d like to be one of your first wealthy patrons (not technically a position in the org, but one of great importance) because that’s so where I’m at in my regular life 🙂
Hmm, well, I’m terrified of speaking in public, and an awful liar. I suppose I’d like to apply for Director of Public Relations.
I accept the nomination annemarie, and second your own shameless self-promotion for the job of Chief Political Strategist.
As the chiefly politically strategic annemarie pointed out, I am indeed medieval enough to meet all the job requirements as Chief Publicist for PAP Smear. Herewith my first offering, a press release slated for widest possible distribution ASAP:
NEW BRIDE PALIN WAS GANGBANGED AT WEDDING RECEPTION WHILE HER GROOM WATCHED AND SELF-PLEASURED
Paternity of eldest child now thrown into question
Husband says absence of Aleuts from gangbang party not sign of “racism”: “All seven of the guys were black, so how could we be racist, huh? Besides Eskimos are butt-ugly.”
Further details available upon request from *********. Subject line: HEY THERE PATRICK
Feedback appreciated. I’m just getting my sea legs on this job, so feel free to comment!
dunno what you lot are on about at all….. ???? personally, i been head deep in a muddy field deep in middle ireland for the last week, organising a motley bunch of revellers. i feel like i have been run over by the train and i am still being dragged along behind it, my bleary eyes have no clue what happening on the world stage… what on earth is this palin thing at all, at all? am barely back in reality and already i seen her pregnant daughters belly…. how did i get swept to this site? diggin it dudettes
Well, I spent years designing magazines and marketing campaigns, so I’ll be your Art Director and production manager. Ironic, isn’t it, that I’m actually QUALIFIED to do that job.
Sorry about the dress, that’s weak that the company won’t ship here.
i have subsidiary groups for PAP:
Pornographers Against Palin: Patrick H will have to work his magic with the press release, but it will go something like this: “Pornographers inc object to Sarah Palin because she is anally retentive. Several of A-listers performed in the wedding gang bang and one of them, Patrick Hellrod, could not pull his cock out of her anus. it was so tight, that he just got stuck and had to be castrarted. we are concerned that the general public may not be aware that Sarah Palin still has her anus plugged with Hellrod’s cock, and that this is why she is FULL OF SHIT. to protect the wellbeing and livelihood of pornographers around the world, we insist that Sarah Palin drop out of this race.”
Prayers Against Palin: hey! we can do that too!
(this is my last comment today, i swear)
Cuntry First!
What a great cause. Thank you, annemarie and Sister Wolf, for giving my life a purpose. I knew I was born to make a difference and participate in a great movement.
As someone suffering from a chronic and most severe allergy to jingoism and public manifestations of flag psychosis I feel obliged to apply for a position of the flagpin inspector. Naturally, I’ll also be available for public chanting on camera whenever/wherever we shall rally.
I could also be the official war anti-hero, should we need one. After all I have a glorious military record, from 20 years ago, consisting of 3 months of military service, 5 months of prison and an official document stating that the armed forces of Funland won’t be needing my services any time soon. Perhaps, we could spin that to a POW narrative, of sorts?
Hellrod? Why annemarie, that’s what Sister calls me! How did you know?
Wait, what am I saying? Women talk, don’t they? I guess I’ve got to get used to it: no secrets around here for the new Peter North.
[Good thing Sister’s restricted by Shabbas from moderating her comments. Come sundown on the Left Coast, things are going to clean up around here but good! Enjoy it while it lasts, goyim preverts!]
Always had a hankering for politics. OK I’m English, have absolutely no idea what the hell goes on in American elections – I mean you voted for Bush TWICE – and don’t have a clue what swiftboating means. But even I am aghast at Palin. So … I nominate my self for Vice President of PAP International Affairs. [Had a couple of Spaniards and an Argentinian] Any seconders???
I’m a terribly unorganized person, my desk is full of crap so perhaps I could be the office manager? But I also bounce checks all the time, so I’m also qualified for the CFO position.
That’s my favorite animal print! send it to Hammie!
I will be the official PAP Smear castrato:
Patrick Hellrod
P.S. Has anybody seen my penis? I think Sarah Palin gave it to her daughter, which is how Bristol got preggers. Or maybe my penis mutated and became Trig (Trig is short for “trigger” as in “hair trigger”, a problem I had in my early days in the adult film biz).
I hate Palin for exploiting my penis at the RNC like that, and on national television no less! My penis should never be seen on TV during prime time hours. DVDs, and hotel/motel channels only.
P.P.S. I am evil. I will go to Hell. God will never forgive for what I said about Trig.
The party’s in the comments. Hands fucking down. You guys are hilarious. Annemarie: please don’t stop posting. You’re killing me. And Patrick, you’re golden.
I should actually be the VP since the lovely broad and I share not only the same name, both spelled with an h to boot, but we also have last names that begin with P. I shall also be on the committee of parental education and baby snatching. In regards to breast feeding I think little baby Trig will be fine. From the size of Bristols knockers its same to say she has been breast feeding her baby boy since his birth. I’m sure mommy has told she will have to have both her children sucking on the tit for a long time.
Sarah P: How do we know you’re not her?
So…where’s my penis, bitch?
Bristol’s knockers…there’s something that this Publicist can do with that…Bristol Knocker…sounds like a drink…maybe a roller derby team member…a type of tugboat…an old British motorcycle…hmmm..a dildo!!!
annemarie, get back here! We need more of your senior strategizing! Sister will be back soon…and then all laughter shall cease and darkness shall fall forevermore.
P Hellrod, Chief Publicist, PAP Smear
email: wheresmydick at wolfslair.pervy
phone: 1-888-NODONG, 1.99/min
my dearest Hellrod. i think i know where your penis is. after its prime time airing, you will no longer find it on DVDs or hotel/motel channels. all that is finished. it’s in an unspeakable place now, a place where even the vilest of porn-consumers rarely go. all i can say is: check the websites specializing in bestiality. if you see any pit-bulls wearing lipstick, you’re getting hot. very hot.
Well compatriots, it’s time for a cunnilinguistics lesson! Our new mission is to sink McPalin with “SKIRTBOATING.” Dig deep, especially in Anwar, for dish. Notice that this also is relevant to fashion: Ugliest skirt, deepest well!
And to Patrick H and Annmarie: Don’t you think that milk is pouring out of Bristol? Come on, do those boobs look like a pregnant gal or one who is engorged? (engaged)
And one more thing, just to make sure the VP of International Affairs knows the lingo: “Skirtboating” means Americans deep six McPussy, sorry, I meant McPalin. And just remember that I did not vote for Bushwad simply because I could not match his proper pronunciation of NUCULAR (as in weapons), and I felt unworthy to punch a hole by his name!
“Skirtboating” is so brilliant, I insist on hiring you as my Deputy Publicist OMGGMAB. Heheh.
And annemarie…you have sunk lower than I. I did not think that was possible. But it explains why you are the senior strategist and I a mere publicist. After all, what is strategy but getting to the bottom before the other guy? And you’re there, firstest with the mostest.
This has been a fun comments fest, hasn’t it? Sister brings the snark, we take up the banner and follow our mistress to the gates of hell!
Snark on, sisters brothers fellow pervs.
WE SHALL UNDERCOME.
Revenge is sweet, I suppose. I inadvertently put an active email address into my first, highly obscene post. Spiders, crawlers, bots, something has found WHAT I HAVE DONE AND DECIDED THAT THEY NOW KNOW WHO AND WHAT I AM ALL ABOUT AND WHAT THINGS I REALLY REALLY GET OFF ON.
Guess what subject is now FLOODING my spam folder?
Laugh at me, Sister all you want. Just remember, everything I’ve put here has been inserted in a spirit of love.
Please take the email out, or make it inert! Please! Have mercy on your chief publicist!
Well, My Friends, (as John “They Tortured Me!” McCain likes to address the masses) we are off to a great start.
The gangbang is great, Skirtboating is a go, and Penisgate is ready to roll. I LOVE IT.
Tobilynne, you will be Parick’s deputy in the Public Relations Dept. and fashionherald, you will be Office Manager, because my BFF Maxine is terrible with money and wants to be CFO. Nadja, you will be Maxine’s deputy.
Everyone else, you are hereby appointed to the post you volunteered for!
Do we need a specialist in a Karl Rove position? I guess that’s a question for annemarie as chief strategist.
I’ve got really big tits. There has to be a job for me in this administration. Thanks, Annemarie, you’re a true patriot.
Patrick – Done, as requested.
Ann -Yes, big tits are always an asset, am I right, men? You will work for Sarah P in the Department of Parental Education. Maybe she can make you the Deputy of Lactation?
Sister, thank you my dearest.
Question: shouldn’t Ann’s big tits make her ideal as the Karl Rove of PAP?
As a GAP (gay against Palin) may I please be Minister of Marriage Protection and Sex Education? I promise to defend the institution of marriage to the end of the earth, and protect it from sodomites like myself. I also promise to include rimming and fisting as part of the “Fun Ways to Get Off Without Getting Pregnant” part of the mandated sex ed curriculum. If only Bristol hadn’t missed that day in school.
And yes, Bristol is totally lactating. As Minister of Sex Education, I know these things.
Mark – Okay, but let’s not be Preference-ist. PAP Smear is inclusive! You will need to work things out with Sarah and Ann over in the Parental Educaltion Dept.
I’m pretty good at taking orders… 😛
I’ll be one of your street soldiers…wreaking all kinds of havoc 😛
Patrick — lemme know my first order of business, as I shall be reporting to you.
Since the mystery of the location of Patrick H’s cock has been solved by the genius of Annemarie, my first order of business for the Department of Parent Education is to work with Mark and the Ministry of Sex Education to appoint a committee to coordinate and oversee lactation and separation anxiety. We will ask all the brave young girls like Bristol who already have experience being forced to give their mothers their babies all the while breast feeding their new “siblings” to mentor the younger generation.
I know Ann will do a great job getting this committee up and running. There will be support groups, message boards, classes on keeping secrets and creating amazing fantastic tales to explain your absence from school or work and fake medical records to back of the story and assure the world your tits have always been the size of honeydews and you have always needed to pump and save milk in case mommy Palin needs the baby for a press op.
The Ministry of Education will continue to teach anti-conception through sodomy and swallowing your babies. However, accidents still happen so coat hangers will be available but not spoken about. The committee on lactation will serve to embrace and offer services to those who fall through all the cracks should they somehow have missed the education classes. We cannot save everyone but we will work to keep the secrets and save face for the grandparents. In the event a young girl is forced to keep her child she will never again be forced to raise it and call it her own.
Find my penis, tobilynne! The Smear are convening Monday night, and I consider my long-lost organ to be your first deliverable.
I am entering “Penis Delivery” as your assignment into my project management G(i)antt chart…
Task: Hellrod penis delivery.
Due Date: Mon Sep 8 2008.
Assigned to: tobilynne.
Dependencies:
Access to Sarah Palin’s rectum.
Successful acquisition of Hellrod penis.
Transportation of Hellrod penis to first meeting of the Smear.
Supporting resources:
Bex, street soldier action, takedown of SP husband in event of interference.
Mark, information source re: location of SP rectum; preferred methods of entry to, and extraction of objects from, said rectum.
Juri, distraction of penis acquisition target SP by repeated inspections of target’s lapel flagpin.
Sister W, inspiration, tatoos, object of sexual desire (viz. Hellrod), post-acquisition quality testing of continued viability (functionality) of Hellrod organ.
PAP Smear, general cunnilingual support and ongoing commie pinko sexual preversions.
Addendum: Oh, tobilynne, you will be speaking to a live stadium crowd of 80,000 (televised nationally, but only on BET) about my penis at 10 pm Tuesday. Why BET? I apparently am a Negro. At least according to Mr. Palin who claimed the, ah, “wedding party” consisted of 7 black men.
Well, considering the size of the endowment anally purloined by his bride, perhaps he’s right.
Anticipatingly,
Patrick Hellrod
Hahaha we’ve got our orders people!!! Prepare to head out!!
People, this is fantastic. “Let’s Do This!”
Sarah P and Patrick have really taken charge, and that’s what we need here. Self-starters who work well in a fast-paced environment.
As CEO, I am counting on you to report to me directly and, this is very important, to ANTICIPATE my needs. Don’t just wait around, but think pro-actively. (My son once got screamed at by a junior executive for failing to Anticipate His Needs.)
I am pleased to report that our own Dr. Ratbite Larue has designed a brilliant logo for PAP Smear that I will unveil on Monday evening.
After a vote, we can order out t-shirts. A chief function of any group is to provide exclusive t-shirts to its members.
I hope you are all collecting the unfolding rumors concerning our Target, as well as devising new ones!
As your humble and devoted chief strategist, i have uncovered some new FACTS that must be circulated amongst the general pubic forthwith.
This entire election is about PENIS ENVY. The networks and dailies have been, as usual, extremely obtuse and slow to recognize this fact. here’s the lowdown:
Until the republicans can find an intern who is willing to suck n’ tell, we naturally assume
that the cock of the right reverend Barack Obama has the same girth and magnitude as those of all the black brothers.
Meanwhile, we all know what happened to McCain when he was dragged out of the lake in Hanoi– he was bayoneted in the CROTCH.
Now, while I myself have no precise information on the state of McCain’s down-there, judging from the lobotomized expression of Cindy McC, we may assume that it’s been years since she’s had a good deep dickin’.
So, fueled by rabid penis envy, McC attempts to prove his manhood by wantonly declaring war on other nations, and in the wee hours in the Oval Office, while sobbing over his emasculation, and with every other country in the world declaring him a penis, he can bury his head in the ample bosom of either his VP or her daughter. He can suckle on their titties to his heart’s content and he’ll feel a lot better because mother will love him no matter what.
(This is of course classic TRANSFERENCE: his real mama, as he likes to keep telling us, is 96 yrs old and all dried up. However, I wonder if the young McC was ever suckled and if his mama is not, in fact, a MAN!)
I think we can easily morph this story to accommodate the shocking tale of “How the Bitch stole Hellrod’s Cock”– perhaps to protect McCain? I mean, he can only handle one penis-envy at a time.
Unlike his lady friend– oh she’s a true sport! Look at the cute way she confused the word “office” with “orifice”! how funny was that! and then she said that her orifice was open all the time and that parents of special needs children will always have a friend in orifice! oh, a VERY GOOD friend!
But take heed! Remember what happened to Hellrod! Her orifice is not as easy to exit as it is to enter!
Hellrod! get busy with the press release!
Sister Wolf! I AM KARL ROVE!
Sister Wolf,
Dr. Ratbite Larue has already designed the logo! shit! i had a great idea for a pit-bull with lipstick screwing america! (the penis is of course a strap-on– Hellrod’s)
how about a mascot?
annemarie – You ARE Karl Rove!!!
I also liked the way she pronounced “pundints” right at the beginning! I could listen to her say pundints for ever.
Penis-envy, check. Fear of a Black Cock, check.
Mommy issues, oh baby. An interview with McCain’s million-year-old mother reveals that she didn’t get too worked up over her son’s captivity in Hanoi. She just ‘left it up to god’ and went about her business.
Mascot – sure. We should vote on it, but the vote will be fixed, so YES to the mascot. We’ll see who can produce this. If necessary we can hire an etsy person.
“Pundints”! Cute! She was trying to tell let us know how many dints she had in her PUNany! As if we didn’t know!
he was bayoneted in the CROTCH
And he complains about that? My crotch wasn’t bayoneted…it was absconded with!
judging from the lobotomized expression of Cindy McC, we may assume that it’s been years since she’s had a good deep dickin’.
She was the fluffer at the Palin wedding reception. And you know what they say, “Once you jaw black, you don’t go back.” So it has been a while. Poor thing.
As CEO, I am counting on you to report to me directly and, this is very important, to ANTICIPATE my needs…
You forgot to add “…you lousy rotten worms!”, O Mistress…
I AM SO SORRY IF I WAS PROACTIVE I WOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT YOU MEANT I AM SORRY YES I WILL CLEAN YOUR TOILET BOWL WITH MY TONGUE I AM SORRY
Patrick H,
I know it’s difficult without your cock, but for god’s sake, be a man! Fight! FIGHT WITH ME! PAP Smear’s victory will be your victory. We will hunt her down to the cave she lives in! We will find your cock! No matter how long it takes, we WILL FIND IT! we shall NEVER SURRENDER!
FIGHT WITH ME! With or without a cock, THERE IS ONLY ONE HELLROD AND HE IS HIS OWN MAN!
I think that perhaps Mark should organize a volunteer from PAP’s gay community to try to seduce Todd Palin. The Christians would go fucking ballistic.
I realize this is an extreme challenge however, and if there is no member willing to put himself in that position then perhaps we could organize a moose. Two people could work a moose costume, right? I will volunteer for that, and I’ll also volunteer Patrick Hellrod.
(hey PH, I have to insist on being the front part of the moose. This is a good deal. You will get to sniff my fragrant bottom while being hammered by Todd)
someone, disguised as a snowman, will have to record the proceedings. volunteers?
Sarah P, you are doing great work. Looking at Roberta McCain, and in your professional opinion, do you see this (wo)man ever giving tit to baby Johnny?
i mean, if this man, Todd Palin, has been doing a pitbull with lipstick for twenty years, he sure as hell must have explored other options, particularly out there in the wilderness with all kinds of attractive hairy quadrupeds roaming around.
perhaps would could get one of the moose to talk?
forget the costume– we just need that guy from HBO to help us.
i mean discovery channel
I want to be a member, but as usual I’m late to the party, and my attempt at a logo failed. Something about a picture of her with an open mouth and a speculum inserted… I don’t have Photoshop at home, so I couldn’t make it work.
I’m really bad at walking in heels, is there some sort of position for which that would be relevant?
annemarie – My god, you are a motherfucking genius and a weapon of mass destruction! Todd Palin has rammed or moosed that hunky redneck BF, Levi Strauss, and EVERYONE KNOWS IT!
That’s right, everyone. It is common knowledge in Wasilla. Bristol’s pregnancy is just a decoy to get Levi in the governor’s mansion.
AND did you know that John “Ow, my scars hurt!” McCain has a guy on the payroll whose entire job is to make sure John doesn’t fully raise that one arm, because he keeps forgetting that it’s supposed to be semi-paralyzed or something.
Honeypants – You will walk in the highest heels on god’s green earth. Please see Maxine or Nadja for funding.
An army needs shoes and I’l like to table these Rene van den Berg numbers as the official shoe for all PAP Smear employee’s http://www.imelda.com.au/well_shod_well_imformed/2008/08/anyone-for-barr.html
I’d like to nominate for the position of PAP Smear Chief Legal Officer, as a former despot whose successfully avoided jail time I can talk my way around any injunction or law suit leveled at the organization.
Imelda Matt – Thank god, we need a Chief Legal Officer, welcome aboard!