Sea of Jeans

R13 is a line of denim produced in Italy that triggered my irrational yearning last year with an ad campaign featuring a tomboy endowed with an endearing Fuck You attitude.

See how pissed off she is?! Her Angry Runaway Look is particularly resonant for me, but obviously the appeal is widespread.

Look how pissed off she is above, in the new season droopy jeans!

I can’t remember if I’ve already divulged the shameful fact of my jeans hoarding. I have 22 pairs of jeans in rotation. Some are black but they’re still jeans. I’m not counting the leather ones or the red ones. My only consolation is that my friend Mark has 6o pairs of Levi’s. Thank you, Mark!

I’m pretty sure that I could live with maybe 4 pairs of jeans. A baggy pair, a tight pair, a high-waisted pair, and a black pair. But just thinking about it makes me nervous. Hoarding is a difficult and persistent problem, I am learning.

Luckily, I’ve just realized that I don’t need the R13 droopy jeans ($275) because nearly all of my jeans look like this by the end of the day. I am not exaggerating. They start out tight in the morning, and later on they are sagging to the point of falling off.

I can’t get them a size smaller, because then they’re too tight. God has worked hard on this conundrum, always making sure that the next size down will refuse to stretch out enough. Let’s give Him the credit He deserves for this!

I would like someone to provide exhaustive research on the fit of different brands and styles of jeans: For example, which work best for flat butts, big butts, long-waisted figures or big hips with a small waist. I want to know which jeans will stretch out a full size and which won’t.

Isn’t there a huge market for this? Or is it only the wish of a hoarder with drooping issues?

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21 Responses to Sea of Jeans

  1. I can tell you the fit issues but when it comes to the products they change the goddam cuts every time!
    but you must go for the ones that don’t fit at first. Then you lie down on the bed and do the buttons up or zip that way. If it is the waistband which won’t give then you need to insert a piece of material on each hip side. Ideally and don’t laugh make this a tiny insert of elastic! No one will see. Denim warms up and it will stretch everywhere except when the waistband is too rigorously sewn.

  2. I own only one pair of jeans which I haven’t worn in about three years, so I won’t be any help here . . .

  3. arline says:

    Good question. I have yet to find the perfect jeans. I really dislike stretch denim. Droopy in the ass jeans are not comfortable or cute.

    I look forward to what the jean experts come up with.

  4. Sheri says:

    They have to fit when you put them on and the material must contain absolutely no spandex.

    I had an Express cut that I loved and then they changed it to “stretch” and I was feeling fat so I bought a pair and they look great for about 5 minutes.

  5. Maja says:

    Ugh, I hear you. And while we’re at it, make more jeans with a 36″ inseam please! I buy three every time i find them, they’re like the holy grail of jeans.

  6. I wish someone would do this research too! I need jeans with a small waist in proportion to the hips because I hate having the waistband bunch up when I belt it. I’m also a terrible jeans-hoarder, always searching for that perfect pair…

  7. WendyB says:

    I wish God didn’t focus on such trivia. I’d say that’s avoidance behavior. Doesn’t want to deal with war so he focuses on making jeans annoying.

  8. TheShoeGirl says:

    There’s a denim store that has a “denim bar” and a guide to what kind of jeans best fits certain body types.

    I have a shit ton of jeans as well. You’re not alone Sister ♥

  9. Ann says:

    Droopy ass jeans on purpose? That’s not flattering, at all.

    I have around 15 pairs of jeans, but I only wear 3 of them. I keep the other 12 and try them on every now and again, and make the same face of disgust every time. Throwing them out would be the logical thing to do, but why would I do that? What if I change my mind or need them someday?

  10. Pudfish says:

    Thank you for your very insightful look at issues around jeans Sister Wolf, I knew you wouldn’t avoid difficult topics on your blog.

  11. jennine says:

    it’s astounding how my jeans can simultaneously give me muffin top AND saggy bottom… what is that?

  12. dust says:

    So many people in industry tried and so many failed… The only way to get the perfect jeans is to buy nearly perfect one and tweak it invisibly ( the wash and stitches must be preserved) , it’s like alchemy, but there is no other option. Custom made or customized, perfect jeans doesn’t come of the production line.
    My only suggestion is mid to high rise! When it comes to ass and back pockets, don’t look at the mirror, close your eyes and squat a bit, you should be able to feel if the pockets are good if they give a good support, so not too low or too big pockets either. The reason why you feel the bum-droop is because most jeans has too angled back seam and too lowered front.
    I could write for two more hours on this topic…but it’s not gonna help anybody.

  13. Cricket9 says:

    Why no spandex? I buy only the stretchy ones; I don’t get a droopy butt since I stopped putting them in the dryer. Someone at Gap explained that the spandex breaks down with the heat and then stretches in all directions. Also – low rise, because I’m short-waisted and have little space between my ribs and hip bones. Boot cut or slightly flared are most flattering. No small tiny pockets that make your butt look huge.
    But, what’s good for me, may be very wrong for someone else…

  14. dust says:

    I completely agree with Cricket, there is no formula. It looks like that even designer gave up the search for perfect jeans, they gathered all their errors and created the ultimate ugly ones, guaranteed to give you 20cm shorter fat legs, saggy ass and muffin top! Who needs gym when we can all look equally droopy! Jeans was supposed to be egalitarian, so here you go…

  15. Andra says:

    If you all have so much trouble with the fitting of your jeans, why do you want them?
    There are lots more pants that are comfortable and look great. Find them!

  16. Alicia says:

    You know…if this were written 3 years ago, I could have told you which brands would best suit which body types…but I don’t slang denim anymore. =(

  17. Cricket9 says:

    Oh, Dust, thanks for a good laugh! IMO, a lot of designer clothing is done on the same premise: it will make you look ugly, bizarre or whorish. Oh well.

  18. Green Of Eye says:

    Custom made ones that don’t cost an arm and a leg plus they’ll do free alterations if you need to tweak.Got a perfect pair from them and i usually have the same problem as you!

  19. kellie says:

    There is a company called “not your daughters jeans”. Which is unfortunate, as it is a stupid and lame name.
    However, they are properly porportioned and fit and dont grow all day.
    Just the comapny name.

    I took out all the labels on mine.

  20. Mark says:

    some of them are corduroys.

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