Sharon Osbourne Needs to Call Me

sharon orbourne

Sharon Osbourne is known to be a voracious shopper capable of dropping $65,000 on a single excursion.   I don’t know much else about her.

My friend Jane invited me to come with her to a private sale of Sharon Osbourne’s unwanted clothes, with a portion of the proceeds going to charity.   Since Jane doesn’t give a shit about fashion, it was really nice of her to think of me and do all the driving. Thanks, Jane!

Here’s what I can tell you: That woman can shop like a motherfucker. Sharon, not Jane.   She loves black. I mean she really totally loves it. She can’t get enough black. Just the black coats and jackets took up a couple of racks. Also, she loves white. You can see her loving white in the photo above, taken in a store called Intermix in L.A.

The white shirt selection was astounding. Some bitch who made sure everyone knew she was a celebrity stylist worked her way through the white shirts while blabbing on her phone about pirate costumes. When I touched one of the shirts, she snapped “All of these are mine.”

There were quite a few Chanel items with the tags still on. A $5,000 Chanel thing was marked $2,000. Most of it was black. All the major designers were represented, don’t make me name them all, okay? Jane bought some great Hermes shoes for $135.   I admired a crazy long   coat by Commes de Garcon made out of white cotton eyelet for $500.

In the end, I bought a coat by Sharon Wauchob because 1) I like long coats, and 2) I’ve heard of this designer, whose shit is on the Reborn website.

Now, my only problem is that I can’t figure out how the coat works. It has a hook thing and a snap thing. If you do them both, the coat is all fucked up. It has 2 long chiffon ribbons hanging on the inside, for what purpose I have no clue. The back is great, like a proper mourning jacket, with another two chiffon ribbons. The sleeves are cinched in the middle and have big cuffs.


The collar makes no sense, I can’t figure out what it wants to do. Maybe it is a wide portrait collar? It has pads in the wrong place. Or maybe it wants to be turned up like a vampire cloak? Who the fuck knows. It’s a size 38 and made in   France, with a nice lining.

Notice the lack of styling in these photos. I was lucky to get them, if you know what I mean, mothers of teenagers!

Anyway, if anyone needs this very special coat, I will sell it for $150, unless Sharon (either one of the Sharons, actually) calls me to explain the complications.

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19 Responses to Sharon Osbourne Needs to Call Me

  1. Sommar says:

    Hello! Doesn’t your camera have a hit the button and then you have ten seconds to run into the frame and poof pic taken? It might, and if so the teenagers should know how that works.

  2. Jools says:

    Sister: DO NOT SELL THAT COAT! I love it on you. Just let those ribbon thingies hang. You’ll wear it when the weather gets cool again. (maybe November?) Or on your next voyage to Europe….. Seriously, it’s not a mistake-it’s a good thing.

  3. WCGB says:

    You’re having a rough honeymoon with your coat. It will all be sorted out soon enough. You are in a relationship with that coat. Shortness of money must not equal shortness of patience!

    I’m sure my husband’s first wife could be of more help re: the ribbons and such. But those are the vagaries of life best left behind.

  4. Sal says:

    I’m with Jools – play around with it for a while longer before you cave! That is a truly interesting piece, and who cares how it’s SUPPOSED to be worn. Wear it however it looks and feels best on you.

  5. Bevitron says:

    Love, love the coat. Who cares what the ribbon thingies & padded shit does — it looks great on you. Mysterious, like. Garments of mystery, my kind of thing. I say keep it!

    Long black coats — I identify — I was once in a Costco and stalked a woman who must’ve been a marathon speed-walker who had on this incredible wonderful thing that hung just perfectly in the back and when I finally got to quiz her (breathlessly) she couldn’t remember where she got it! Aaaahh!

  6. andrea says:

    The ribbon thingies are to tie on the inside to each other so you get a random drapey effect on the outside. You can wear it any way you want to tie them. The coat is a lot like Ann Demeulemeester’s trenches and tops from this season which have all these ties, and they are meant to be tied in all different ways to get a new shape each time. Play around with it- there is no one way to wear it. Btw, you look great in it! XO

  7. WendyB says:

    I went to Mrs Sting’s sale last year.

    It sounds like I would have been in heaven at this one. Andrea’s technique is right.
    You should keep the coat!

    And if you bump into Sharon tell her you know where she can buy awesome jewelry.

  8. Jill says:

    That coat is very you…keep it. Dangling chiffon ribbons and all.

  9. Agree with all of the above, keep it! It looks great on you, and I love a good coat mystery.

  10. Deni says:

    I, too, agree that it’s a keeper! I have had some blouses with “thingies” on the side. They were meant to be loosely tied and hang in the back of the blouse, or at least that’s how they were displayed. Maybe the ribbon should be tied/wrapped in an x shape around the torso, for a goth look?
    What do I know . . . .

  11. K-Line says:

    Andrea’s got the right idea – you tie the strings so that the coat fits snugly on the inside (then the outer clasping is extra). It’s the sign of a really well made garment. Fool around with it. You’re going to love it!

  12. JK says:

    Nah, those things ain’t for tying in a bow. Those are for when you get lost in the boonies without toilet paper.

    (They should be laundered separately.)

  13. Sister Wolf says:

    Sommar – It’s not my camera., but thanks.

    Jools – Waaaaah.

    WCGB – Wait, did he marry my husband’s ex-wife????

    Sal – Waaaaah.

    Bevitron – Now I want you to stalk me in Costco!

    andrea – Waaaaaah.

    WendyB- Waaaaaah.

    Jill- Thanks, but waaaaaaaah, I’m still sad about it.

    fashion herald – Waaaaaah.

    Deni – Waaaaaah.

    K-Line – Now I think I hate it!

    JK- Don’t get me mad when I’m having shopper’s remorse.

  14. JK says:

    Sister, whom I dearly love transparently (even with the threat of Mr. Wolf hovering protectively)

    I think you would find yourself madder still were you to find yourself in the boonies, so “afflicted” and have nothing available to remind you of me. Do remember though, “Leaves of three – it wasn’t me.”

  15. Mark says:

    Did any of the clothing there smell like Ozzy?

  16. Jill says:

    What does Ozzy smell like?! Percocet and dust?

  17. Bevitron says:

    Percocet and dust!
    Larfed my arse off!

  18. Sister Wolf says:

    JK – I will try to remember this.

    Mark – There was not a whiff of Ozzie. A hint of Kelly, though.

    Jill – Eeeow!

    Bevitron – She make me laugh too!

  19. Aja says:

    I had a woman snap “these are mine” at me once, at a flea market in NYC because I touched the stack of vintage postcards that she had “claimed”. Never have I so badly wanted to slap the hell out of a person. I had no idea someone could invoke so much violence in me.

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