Sometimes I forget that people aren’t always what they seem to be online. Even more often, I forget that people don’t always look how they look online. We all get lucky in some photos and less lucky in others. A few genetic freaks of nature look amazing from every angle, in every light. But not most of us.
Here’s a really unflattering picture of me, taken last November after I tripped over a curb and broke my hip. Ordinarily I’d rather die than post it, but I need it to illustrate my point. (On the bright side, you can see my O.J. Simpson Trading Cards in the background.)
At Sea of Shoes, for example, you will never see a photo of Sea’s behind. And she’s announced many times that she looks for “volume” in clothes. She knows how to conceal her weaker areas and play up the stronger ones.
This photo confirms that Sea has to work hard to get those glowing portraits she posts! It’s the magic of a $2,000 Nikon and the right lighting.
People remind me over and over that someone’s online persona may be nothing like their real self. When I told my sister about one of my dearest cyber-friends, she exclaimed, “How do you know that anything they say is true?!” Her cynicism upset me. I just assume I can discern a genuine personality from a manufactured one.
Recently I read this essay by Zadie Smith on “The Social Network” and Facebook, and it blew my mind. I can’t recommend it highly enough! The notion that we may be learning to limit our actual selves by the way we shape our own “brands” online is really thought provoking. It disturbs me.
My own online presence is a little disturbing to me. People know too much about me. I’m open about my whole life. I may regret it, but I can’t think why, since I’ll never run for president or seek a corporate job. But I can at least say that I’m not presenting a fake or even well-edited version of who I am. I think I’m exactly what I seem like. But maybe a tiny bit less of a cunt.
i think you have a bit of an unhealthy obsession with this person
A point well made – this idea of your persona/personality becoming a brand is ridiculous. I don’t think your picture is unflattering – you’re real, a human being and you still look gorgeous even in moments of broken hip (ness)
Oh and Jimbo – please it has been months since we’ve had to discuss discourse etc.
on the interwebs, as in life, some will like you and some will not. i try to live by the notion that if i am myself day in and day out, saying what i feel, then i will know who my friends are. if i had a stronger web presence i hope i would be brave enough to carry that motto over, but i think the temptation to edit my image would be pretty strong. i admire and like you based on your blog. some don’t. at least you know why. that’s something to be proud of.
Great article! It’s fascinating (and sometimes frightening) the way technology can shape worldviews. Ah, I’m glad to see Jaron Lanier is getting mentioned as he’s wonderful! I first encountered his work through edge.org, great opinion piece about Wikipedia and how it’s actually narrowing information. There’s been research on that phenomenon too, of the internet actually limiting information, “hive mind” sort of thing as more people tend to link to the same limited number of articles. That said, I do feel bad for kids these days. I graduated college recently and had started using Facebook back when you still needed a college email address to join. Many of my younger friends have been all over it since high school which blows my mind. Old drunken pictures archived and such. Myspace was one thing, but Facebook is so much more dynamic and interactive in real-time in terms of the “feed” of status updates, relationship notices, endless photo updates, notifications of who has “friended” who. I’d venture to say Facebook has changed the notion of what a “friend” is, or at least given the word friend another euphemistic meaning. The photographs people choose to tag are interesting as well. People seem to want to present ideal lives and edit thusly: beach pictures, kissing pictures with their significant others, posed smiling party pictures. I only allow a few trusted close friends to see mine and even then I’m sure that there’s no pictures of me drinking underage or doing anything illegal otherwise on there. I also don’t list my relationship status, who I am interested in, nor many interests.
Of course, I have a few friends who don’t seem to subscribe to Smith’s notion that Facebook is at all reductive and post fuck all: lurid details, exactly what they are thinking unedited with no apparent regard for who might be reading it, baiting comments on other people’s status updates for whom they have contempt or a drunken stream of passive aggression for, drug pictures, etc, comments on exes status updates celebrating their “un-anniversary”.
I don’t think Facebook is as terrible as Smith makes it out to be. Sure it’s a time suck (my primary reason for using it) but it really is the only way I have to contact my friends who’ve moved away and lead sketchy lifestyles and forget to re-up their cell phone contracts or who are living abroad. A lot of my friends post music or interesting articles or recommend books instead of party pictures and inane status updates. I’ve also met people that way too. My last boyfriend found me through a mutual friend and we ended up going out a few times and having a great time. It was extra funny because one of the things we did on the first date was see a movie and there was a preview for The Social Network. We turn to each other and burst out laughing. I’ll probably never see the movie but its mention was an icebreaker for sure. I do agree with Lanier that we should struggle against it’s inherent confines though. The question is how? Perhaps I shouldn’t censor myself on there.
I disagree, Sis, I think you have to be a very calculating person to hide your true self through the medium of writing. In fact my advice to all couples planning to marry (are you reading this Wills and Katie?) is spend some time apart and just write to each other, there-in you will sense true worth – or true trouble!
And well done, Sis, perhaps it was the pain from your hip distracting you but that is as near to a smile as I have ever seen from you. So come on, Christmas is coming, try and give us, your fans, a real beamer to cheer us all up!
But then isn’t it true, in a way, that we present an edited version of ourselves no matter where we are – one for friends, one for family, one for work, one for lovers. That isn’t branding, to a large degree it is tact, and also simply being able to indulge in different aspects of our character with different people.
I don’t write in exactly the same way I speak (I would never call someone possum in real life!), and of course I exaggerate some of my stories to people laugh. But I don’t think that is a problem… it is probably more of an issue for the young ‘uns, who don’t have as defined a sense of themselves (if I can say something so condescending). Before the internet and blogging era, I was just as likely to pretend to be what I wasn’t with certain crowds or at parties or even tragically my own boyfriends. I think the idea of editing your own image is not at all a new one, and is something that very often settles down as you get older and more comfortable in your own skin.
ps I take zillions of photos before I put the best ones up, have been thinking of putting my own unflattering shots up to contrast. I would hate people to think that I naturally look fab all the time, when it is really putting on lots of slap, trying lots of poses and choosing only the very nicest to reveal.
Oh yeah, I agree with that. Where is the line between tact and branding drawn? Do these concepts intersect?
I don’t think it’s condescending to describe it as an issue for younger people. I remember the anxiety I felt over listing my interests, profile pictures when I was a college freshman at a school far from home where I knew absolutely no one. I’m 23 now and my identity is still changing, goals are shifting, trying to figure out what’s going on with my life. But that’s a constant. People are constantly changing. I’ve heard the teens and 20s in particular referred to as essentially “a series of identity crises”.
Also, SW, I quite like your “unflattering” photo. I wish people on the internet presented less fairytale versions of their lives and more real stuff.
Good post. I’m looking forward to reading the article when I wake up. It’s definitely a thing I battle with when using facebook… I always get this terrible feeling that, try as I might to be “myself”, whatever captions I put under those photos, and, in fact, the photos I select themselves, are distorted in their selectivity…like one of those fun house mirrors that makes you taller and thinner and still decidedly you, but tons more attractive. If all of us were really like the images we projected on facebook, blogs, twitter, etc. (except for those few, dauntingly cool people who always seem to be exactly as they are in real life) we’d all be very pretty people with good angles–no double chins to speak of– and very, very dull.
But then again, I felt the same way the few fleeting times I’ve tried to keep a diary…even when writing about myself privately, I feel like I’m photoshopping my life and thoughts in some way or another. I go back, read an entry, and think, “who is this person and why do they sound absolutely nothing like me?” I envy people, yourself included, who seem to be able to write about personal things without defaulting to all of the tricks most of us pull on ourselves to make our lives seem shinier, more bearable.
And I think the picture is charming…it’s captured you in an unexpected moment, and broken hip, makeup-free and no doubt very tired (no one sleeps well with a bum hip) you still look quite lovely.
Ugh. That comma outside the parentheses is paining me. Clearly I need to edit myself more, not less.
I don’t have time to read the article now but I’m definitely bookmarking it for later.
It’s funny how there are some people that I’ve assumed to be big douche wads online and have met in person and were actually really nice and vice versa.
You happen to look fine in the first picture. We all look like that at our age without any makeup, It’s kind of refreshing to see that Ms Sea does not always look so perfect when someone else is handling the camera.
I’m sort of careful about what I put on my blog. I put a couple of pictures of my children once, then removed them later. I have a fashion blog & I do outfit posts. I take all my own pictures, I’m not a size 2, I’m 36 years old, have had two children, & am completely broke, so I do the best with what I’ve got. That’s sort of the unsaid mission of my blog, I guess- to inspire people to do the best with what they have. And to dress modestly & interestingly. I don’t think you need to be a beautiful, skinny, slutty, young gal to look cool & attractive.
OOps, sorry if I went off topic there. I really like your blog, if you haven’t noticed. And I think you are beautiful, even though I don’t see the OJ trading cards. 😉
You and Zadie are totally right about the sense of individual brand identity when it comes to social media. On Facebook, we are warned not to scare off potential employers, provide cannon fodder for haters and hotornot.com-type sites, etc etc, and I imagine that with a high profile fashion blog even Sea’s dorkier moments have to be primped and styled to perfection. Are these photos from her blog? Otherwise it’s a tad creepy….
And David, I disagree. I think that you control completely what you reveal through the medium of writing. I often think I’m most untruthful when I write ‘honestly’ on my blog or wherever, because I can lie further by telling a false truth to act as a red herring. Clearly that makes me the most calculating person ever. I don’t even write the truth in my own diaries. Mainly because the real me is a dire person. At least the fake me can be safe in the knowledge that she is fake.
RHF, you might *think* you are concealing yourself but if you write a lot, regularly, “truth will out”!
Great post, I try to keep it real as much as I can without giving out too much about my life. Personally I don’t think it’s anyone’s business but my own but that’s my opinion I’m just a really guarded person. I’ve dealt with a lot of douchebag’s in the past.
I love this discussion.
Regarding Sea, in the undiscussed but fantastic video, I noticed that she does not look as perfect as she appears in her pictures. I get it , i look terrible in any pix of myself not taken by myself and even some of them.
Regarding persona. It took me forever to realize that that is what people are doing. I wondered for a long time if I was just so absolutely inept that everyone was somehow better than me. But finally at the age of 37 when I sound better on paper than my mundane reality, I get it.
ha! really interesting!! its disturbing to think in terms of “brands”… eughhh has it really come to this!!
Its like a padded bra…
At some point it has to come off
I’ve gotta say, your photo depicts someone with real grace and poise, beyond what a person with a broken hip should have. (I’m speaking as an accident prone mess; last I was in a cast I just let it hang wherever it fell.)
Jane’s photos here make her look like a real, charming girl that I could approach in real life. Much more appealing than her website.
It takes far too long and way too many shots for me to get a photo that I like about myself – and I’ve noticed that people tend to hate photos of themselves that show their “true face,” or underlying aspects of them. That’s pretty much why I take a handful of snapshots of every outfit, pick the one that makes me look like I only have one chin (harder than you’d think with my weak Irish profile), and forgo Photoshop entirely. I simply use a pen name to keep my coworkers out. Why lie? I’m not a brand and I”m not selling anything. 😛
That was a really, really excellent essay.
I don’t know…I think it depends a lot on voice and facial inflections…what you say could be interpreted in a lot of different ways based on how you deliver. The internet is a stark forum leaving a lot of room for people to project their own insecurities or arrogance onto whatever is being said.
I am kind of terrified that I’ve posted so much about myself… but then again it really doesn’t matter because hopefully I have a long life of publishing intimate secrets to come…
Anyway, I have fat arms. be damned if a post or leave myself tagged in a fat arm picture.
ew.
now i’m going to read that article.
RedHeadFashionista – The pix were posted somewhere, from the trip to WGACA. You think I follow them around? Hahahahaha. (although it’s true they had me “investigated” which is more than creepy)
Death–Sexxx – It has come to that. Be afraid.
Jacqui – Yep. It can be hard to be authentic, even with yourself. My diaries from my teen years are excruciating. But I seemed to be open with myself about my depression. But pretentious as the day is long!
David DUff – Oh come on, I have smiled just for you. I’ll work on a collage of smiles for you. Warn the missus.
Meh, I think both you and Sea are cute. She’s got a bottom a lot of women work hard for. And you, your poor hip . . . but even in your PJs, you’re still cute as a button. Smith brings up a valid point about facebook and how everything appears to shrink. I think that was why I quit it. I felt like my real friendships were being devalued and meanwhile people who I don’t really care that much about were all up in my grill. But it all felt extremely luke warm. And I felt like I was spreading myself too thinly. Plus, facebook made it easy for people who weren’t being awesome friends to keep up with my every move. If you care that much, send me a friggin’ email and let me know that. Or better yet, pick up the phone. Or invite me out. It’s really not that hard.
The internet has brought me many great friendships (yours’ being one for sure, SW) so I don’t discount that. But facebook had very little to do with it. I also feel because of my occupation I’m very good at sniffing out people who aren’t genuine. Boast all you like about this, that, and the other on facebook or your personal blog . . . but in television usually the people who brag the loudest, really aren’t up to much at all.
Nickie Frye – Thanks for the complement. But why do we have to be broke?! It’s so stressful. It’s all I think about now, with no idea how to fix.
Aja – You left FB???? Wow. Bold move. I am thinking of it. Especially after seeing the Social Network last night (for free, ahem…)
SummerAdeline – Nah, I just keep mine on.
i FINALLY figured out who jane looks like. have you seen Faster Pussycat Kill Kill? Jane looks EXACTLY like the annoying girl they kidnap in the movie…heres a shitty pic but you get the idea http://www.twitpic.com/37pr8r
and this is sort of why i dont post pictures of my self or my style on my blog…because i agonize too much over how i look and once im happy with a photo i realize it doesn’t look anything like me.
Yes, but we both know your a sexy bitch either way <3
Oh man that is depressing as hell.
My rebel without a cause instinct is kicking in….
Toad, of The Manner Born, sent me your way and again, I am indebted to his wily ways.
I love Sea of Shoes and your comments are priceless.
Nice to meet you!
I admire your openness! It takes a lot of guts to expose yourself to the world, and even more guts to allow feedback. You’re pretty amazing! I do believe that you are who you are whether on-line or in person, and it’s okay to be anything but static! I can’t imagine everything that you’ve been through and then having to deal with the crazed harpies that added insult to injury. Did I mention you’re amazing? Also, three cheers for the amazing, rational, and supportive readers that have been there for you!
As for bones, besides Vitamins D & K, Magnesium is as, if not more, important than Calcium. It also helps you relax as in sleep (and poop).
Facebook is my scrapbook for all sorts of odds and ends, and my time waster when I don’t want the tube to waste my time, and I just can’t get into reading a book (but I always make time for my nightly walk). I’ll opt out one of these days, just not yet.
Singing to myself . . . Who could hang a name on you, when you change with every new day . . .
I tend not to post really terrible pictures of myself because I tend to think that I don’t look like that the majority of the time. Any of us can be caught at a moment between words that translates into a monster-face on film. Personally, I enjoy sharing a curated view into my life, and I think that is why people enjoy looking at my images. But at the same time, I try not to create a version of myself that is separate than IRL me. I have certainly met bloggers face-to-face that are nothing like they appear online, and it is always quite polarizing when this happens.
BTW Jane actually glows in person!
Sister Wolf, some days are better than others. It’s just a season & we are making do, right?! I refuse to give up. Make it work!!!
Your last sentence was interesting to me because when I watched your recent video I noticed a difference between your spoken, recorded voice and your written one. The former seemed kinder. Both are compelling.
I don’t think you can get the full picture of a person without seeing their mannerisms and hear their speech. Some of the most magnetic people I know just do NOT photograph well. I photograph well but I’m told that in person my charm is my feminine speech and mannerisms (at least when I was younger haha).
Ohhh my god, I couldn’t agree more. This is why I posted a picture of my studio outfit, ugg-boots and all. It’s not in my interests to cultivate some crazy idealised version of myself that I’ll never live up to and inevitably suffer depression over.
The only thing I know from experience is that people tend to think I’m some kind of mysterious brooding complicated woman and then are surprised when they meet and interact with me because I’m actually a vibrant, fun-loving dork. But that would be true of anyone who saw me but hadn’t interacted with me.
I enjoy reading blogs where people aren’t so overly edited and their personalities aren’t so “cultivated” (good word that was used by the previous poster). The need to be seen as super well adjusted and perfect is to me indicative of bigger problems bubbling underneath the surface. I’ve seen it IRL, and it most definitely exists on the internet- that is, people who create situations where they need to atone for the lack of sanity in their real lives by presenting a ‘perfect’ exterior on their blog/myspace/whatever.
I really don’t think that pic of you is bad at all.
the sticking point is the idea there is a true self to show or hide. we are all many people – online, with our families, to our pets, etc. and we all like certain versions of ourselves better than others. frankly, the you on the internet is still you, more cunt or less.
my online persona sucks ass. even though i’m young enough to have social networks be a fair part of social life i don’t have a comfortable voice online, so i don’t participate. i guess it’s narcissistic to believe i am not fairly representing myself and so opting out, but i swear, i’m way more interesting/charming in person. also, i am really really not photogenic.
I think you should do a post where we all send you our most unflattering photos. That would be fun!
Zana – I like your photos, especially the party type ones. They make me feel like I live in a convent.
Jane Schott – Nice to meet you, too!
Claire – Thank you. I think.
tin Lizzie – You’re so right. Mannerisms are voice quality are KEY. I just watched a little video of Thigh Girl, and nearly fell out of my chair. Same with Sea on video.
marie – Well of course we are all multi-dimensioned. But I think one often tries to present oneself as a creation that will please in a given contest. At a job interview, on a first date, or online. I am genuinely trying not to do that. It isne’t always easy and it does have repercussions.
TheSHoe Girl – Oh as if you could look awful.
I suppose I’m young enough to fall in the ‘Facebook generation’, so to speak, but growing up, I always saw my ‘internet personality’ as being separate from the one my parents or people at school knew.
Not sure exactly how to put it, but in a lot of ways, it was easier to be honest online when I was among strangers and not using my real name (it’s not the one I use here, on my blog, or anywhere else) than it is with anything that has my real name or identity attached to it, like for instance, a Facebook profile or a personal blog where I identify myself by name or via photographs. It’s in the latter cases that one really runs the danger of limiting the person to the boundaries set by the persona, I think. At least with a pseudonym, you’re aware of the fact that you’ve created an identity that isn’t 100% what you are offline.
Also, Sister, I’m no expert on the subject but the camera doesn’t quite see things the same way that a human eye does. I always assume people are better-looking than their most unflattering photograph, and the assumption has never been proven wrong.
This is a very timely post. I recently had the pleasure of meeting one of my cyber-friends, and was thrilled to learn she is even cooler in person than she is online. She was just as I thought she was, but a thousand times better. I feel the same about you. You and I have “known” each other for 6 years. We’ve communicated via emails, texts, phone calls, gift packages. I consider you a very dear friend and it does not occur to me that you are anything other than what I’ve always believed you are.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
you may feel vulnerable for presenting yourself in detail, but what repercussions worry you?
i like TSG’s bad photo suggestion. i’ll play!
SW- Delete facebook. It’s so freeing, you’ll see. You no longer have to read annoying updates from people you don’t really like but don’t have the heart to delete.
When I deleted my account, I felt a cool wave of relief sweep over me. And I found the focus issues I was having, disappeared almost immediately! It was like hitting a fly with a fly swatter . . . gratifying. Every now and then I’ll get a little nostalgic and look at my friend’s fb page when we’re on her computer . . . but I immediately get a headache and have to close the window. The only thing I worry about is how many obnoxious photos of me, my father is posting on his page without my knowledge or consent. See no evil, I suppose.
Ann – You mean we haven’t met?? I always forget that.
marie – My primary worry would be crazy people.
Aja – I have left twitter, so that’s a start! It was too addictive. I kept checking all day long to see if anyone said anything interesting. FB has no power over me – I never go there unless someone sends me a message.
I just have to say.. I’ll miss your twittering! How else would I have discovered Rad Hourani’s semen fragrance?!!? haha