The Douche at the Coffee Bean


As I walked out onto the patio of the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf in Santa Monica, a tall shirtless douche was involved in a contretemps with an elderly woman who was afraid of his dog. He was saying to her, “I told you there’s nothing to be afraid of, now just shut up!”

How rude, I thought as I sat down with my coffee. The douche was returning to his table where he’d been sitting with a girl he just met in the parking lot. They had realized they had a friend in common, “Brian.”

The douche’s dog wandered over to me and I pet its head. “Oh, sorry,” said the douche as he came to get the dog. I gave him a nice smile and said: “You don’t have to be sorry to me!”

At this, he flipped out, screaming, “Hey, I don’t have to be sorry to anyone! I have nothing to be sorry about! I’m here having a great day, I’m enjoying myself, I’m with a beautiful woman!”

I started laughing, and a guy working at a laptop said to the douche, “Stop yelling.” The douche turned to taunt the laptop guy, who muttered, “Psychopath.” “You’re the psychopath!” screamed the douche.

The douche sat down again with the girl, who seemed thrilled by his performance. Together, they phoned the mutual friend to tell him they were together at the Coffee Bean. The douche went back inside to get more coffee while the girl continued on the phone. “Yeah,” she said happily. “He’s GREAT!”

Here they are, above. Reading their body language, I wouldn’t be surprised if she slept with him later that day and he rewarded her by bashing her head in. I can’t even feel sorry for her, you know? You get what you pay for.

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22 Responses to The Douche at the Coffee Bean

  1. The sociopath as Hipster. Thank you milady. You are quite right. Perhaps these are the new ‘most desirable traits’ that today’s woman looks for when selecting her optimum sperm-donor. I can only imagine humans 50 years from now; a narcissistic invertebrate with feeding and excretory holes at either end, with some genitalia in between. They’ll each be screaming “Where’s my satisfaction ?”, “I demand immediate pleasure !”, “It’s ALWAYS about ME !!!!”

    Can’t wait !!!!


  2. hammie says:

    Who ya gonna call? Douchebusters!

    Is this a new sign of the apocolypse Sis or have people always been openly arseholic in L.A. pre-recession?


  3. dust says:

    Oh, why feeling sorry for her! I think it’s great that they are mating among each other, within their own species. Every time I get some nasty remark from such asses I feel relieved and safe.
    But Sister, I didn’t know “douche” was used in this context. More input, please.

  4. Jill says:

    I think she’s the douche and he’s off his meds. WTF is wrong with people?!

  5. honeypants says:

    Showing up for a blind date wearing nothing but muscles is the latest hipster/vintage trend. It’s so retro, it harkens back to prehistoric times! His display of machismo let her know that he would be a good protector for their future babies, and his dominion over beast conveyed status and power as well. It would have been so much better if he’d been wearing a loincloth and carrying some sort of club or spear. But I guess he’s just a poseur.

  6. WendyB says:

    Oh, he was way more than a douche. Psychopath sounds about right.

  7. Aja says:

    I’m always astonished when people take that sort of behavior from their friends. I’m the first one to lean over and say with a hushed whisper and a smile “you’re acting like a psychopath”. And I don’t like people that don’t keep an eye on their pets in public. Two douchbags at the coffee bean.

  8. annemarie says:

    I have nothing to say about the dickwad, I am more concerned about the girl. Oh god, what did you have to do to prevent yourself going over there and pummeling some sense into her? Why is she wearing a flesh colored tank out of the house? Why is it so tight? You don’t actually have to look like you are made of sausage rolls if you buy clothes in your size! And why is she wearing white fucking tennis shoes? It’s like she was on her way to a yoga class but tripped and banged her head and decided a life of bad sex and violence would be better.

    He looks rather like JFK Jnr from this angle.

    They are so going to fuck later on.

  9. Courtney says:

    The Coffee Beans must breed these men and women…the Bean on Sunset at Fairfax is douche bag central, but makes for such great alternative entertainment via people watching. I was trying to see if I recognized any of the kind folk in the photo, but the glare coming off of his sneakers is too bright. I can only imagine the the selection of shoes and shorts he has in his studio apartment in the valley.

  10. Mark says:

    Cunts, the two of them.

  11. Juri says:

    “Psychopath.” “You’re the psychopath!” HAHAHA … the shirtless douche surely knows how to win an argument.

    His reply to a request to put a shirt on would probably have been: “YOU put your shirt on. I don’t have to wear a shirt. I’m having a great time.”

    I wish I could have been there for him. I’d offered him $5 to go buy a t-shirt and pair of socks, and told him it looks like his pecs are beginning to sag. Of course, he would have beaten me up but it would have been worth it. His girlfriend would have thought his even greater than before and sucked him on the spot. I could have sued Coffee Bean for exposing me to bare nipples. Win-win for all!

  12. Pete says:

    Santa Monica? Uh, Douchebag Central. What do you expect? Move to someplace more civilized. You know, somewhere where every uneducated douche/cunt/waiter isn’t a screenwriter/producer/select a bullshit title.

  13. Greg Gasawski says:

    I don’t really see what the big deal is. That’s how I usually am all the time and people can’t seem to get enough of me. Besides, he was just trying to enjoy a beautiful day with a beautiful woman and a cell phone.

  14. alittlelux says:

    1. just be glad he didn’t have a guitar!


  15. Nyx says:

    Santa Monica what? I am in Delaware in the middle of nowhere and people act like that. If anyone yelled that to me I’d scream back at him and tell the girl she is a dumb bitch because she was amused.She totally fucked him.

  16. Bevitron says:

    Oh Jeez, I don’t even want to think about the sex. And he sounds almost too banal and predictable in his psychopathology to qualify for doucheness. A good douche, to my way of thinking, can pique my interest even against my inclination to step quickly away. Someone who hasn’t figured out how to be decent to folk; how dull. And there’s this impression I get that he would have pronounced musty buttcrack odor — actually forgivable in itself, but he wouldn’t care, and might even, symptomatic of his doucheiosity, cultivate it.

  17. Sister Wolf says:

    Sardonique – God, what a thought.

    hammie – I feel it’s new. People are just out of control. Mad People disease.

    dust – “douche” is the popular way to designate a male person who is a complete asshole. Another word would be “tool” or “jerk.”

    Jill – Yes, I felt he was off his meds! I think I even lobbed that opinion into the fray…

    honeypants – It wasn’t even a date; they had JUST MET in the parking lot. But I see your point.

    Wendy – You could hear his head buzzing.

    Aja – Correct.

    annemarie – Oh god, the girl. Her pants had a rhinestone design on the butt, and she was wearing an unflattering headband. I even saw her arrive in her BMW.

    Courtney -Is that the one where Perez Hilton is/was??

    Mark – Worse than cunts!


    Pete -I know, I’m sorry.

    Greg – Hahaha! And plus he had a beautiful fake Louis Vuitton briefcase thingy.

    alittlelux- I hate that website. Make it go away!

    Nyx – I would only scream back if I had pepper spray.

    Bevitron – Sheer poetry. I like how you conjugate ‘douche.’

  18. Moda says:

    The comments on this are hilarious, may the douche and the douche lover enjoy ALL that they deserve together and may karma reign supreme.

  19. Oh my god, yelling at an old woman, letting his dog roam around, and shirtless in a coffee shop. This is depressing, does no one teach their kids basic manners? I think I’d argue this guy isn’t a hipster, just a normal future Bernie Madoff type who soon will be bankrupting that poor old lady. Hipsters generally shirk from confrontation, unless they’re drunk.

  20. Braindance says:

    doucheiosity has just become my most used word, I salute you…

  21. Bean Goer says:

    Lol… douche sounds like Dean Kelly!!!

  22. I have learned interesting things from your posts…There have been some good giveaways.

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