The Other Douches


After Jill and Braindance shared their childhood memories of   douche bags, I recalled my own uneasy feelings about those rubber things hanging over the bathtub when I was a kid.

They were certainly a fixture in our bathroom, along with an enema bag and maybe even some other scary medical-looking crap. Wow, our mothers and grandmas were so weird!

Try a Google image search for an actual douche bag, and most of what you’ll find are sickening guys and joke products that refer to the sickening guys. In other words, the old fashioned douche bag is a relic of another time, and its namesake is here to stay.

Who the hell invented the douche bag? What a maniac. In fact, what a douche! I am thankful to my mom for neglecting to give me any instructions on “feminine hygiene” or anything else. I learned everything I know from my sister, dirty books, and The Hite Report.

But I feel kind of bad about depriving my own kids of the douche bag experience. They never got to feel queasy about their mother’s weird rubber crap in the bathroom. They never knew the frisson of squeamish curiosity that is such a touchstone of childhood. God, I’m a failure.

Perhaps the shit on my dresser will make it up to them.   It seems like it might have that Mom Mystique that could haunt them for the rest of their lives. I’ll have to ask them. Take a look and tell me what you think.


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23 Responses to The Other Douches

  1. When I was last in the states my sister and I spotted a douche in a well known supermarket. It’s “flavour”? Salt and vinegar. I shit you not. Apparently there are women out there that want to smell like fish and chips!

  2. Laurin says:

    I remember that bag and wand hanging in my mom’s shower like it was yesterday. I think I had blocked it out til I read this!

  3. Anna says:

    I don’t know if it is ok to ask, but I’ll try: Please enlighten the Swedish girl: Douche bag. Feminine hygene… Is it for washing the… eh… privates? And the “flavour” tor talks about, how? Is it soap?

    I am not being ironic. Or sarcastic. Or anything else, but curious. And alittle bit frightened.

  4. I admit I have never seen one either. There’s a tube?

  5. OMGGMAB says:

    I would be appropriately confused if I had to witness the religious icons on your dresser. Much scarier than bathroom paraphernalia.

  6. Jill says:

    Tor made me laugh…I typically don’t laugh this early in the morning. I just grunt. Your dresser rocks. Is that an Asian jewelry box?

  7. Deni says:

    SW, you’re not a failure! You’ve given your children something much more complex and meaningful than “the douche bag experience.” You’ve given them a “magical garden dresser” full of mystery. Maybe something Enid would have . . . are you the future Enid? (It’s not me, But you can call me Enid,or Deni or Nedi or Iden or . . . naaaah . . . I think it only works with Jay and Ray) Bangles and Christ figures, icons and heart shaped boxes, bijou and photos . . . much more interesting than douche bags.
    P.S. Just living in LA predisposes your children to coming into contact with douche bags . . . they haven’t missed out there.

  8. Mark says:

    Sarah Silverman uses the term “douche nozzle” instead of the good old-fashioned “douche bag.” She’s special, that one.

  9. Bex says:

    I never knew there’s a tube!

    Your dresser looks like a shrine.

  10. hammie says:

    Ditto the shrine comment.

    Sis: believe it or not there are people in the southern hemisphere who have made it to 40 without once using a douche. And no I do not have a small cloud of flies following me around. Nature takes care of things.
    Have to say it was a mystery and a to me when I saw the 18,000 ads for Douches in american import magazines. I think it was just a way for sexually repressed white women to masturbate in the 1950 and 60’s.
    Maybe 1950’s aussie chicks just made do with sitting on the washing machine during spin cycle?


  11. Queen Michelle says:

    I admit – until I watched American TV I had never even heard of a douche bag. I am still slightly unclear as to how they work. What’s the stick thing? Looks like a turkey baster.

  12. I often wondered why the douche bag thing was an appropriation of a French word, when we know the French don’t wash. Or is that a myth put about by Anglo Saxons. Anyway never seen one until now!

    I was more interested in the bedazzling and beguiling dressing table. Ooh a veritable trinket top of delights. It seemed quite intimiate to be peering at your things – thank goodness you didn’t gave us the dresser not lessons on douching!

  13. I meant gave us the dresser and didn’t do lesson on douching. Gosh I need to go to tying and correction school all the same day

  14. Aja says:

    I’m laughing at Queen Michelle because it sort of works like a turkey baster (the type women use to get knocked up while the hubby might be reluctant towards parenthood). My mother keeps everything (even things she’ll never use). I too got the heebie jeebies every time I saw that creepy unused douche bag under our bathroom sink. She finally threw it out one day. She even kept an old fashion belt for sanitary napkins. Her room is like a museum . Boy she’d kill me for blabbing this on the internet. Isn’t it funny how someone once made a living off of making useless products like douching material and then suddenly, poof . . . it’s gone. No more ads on the television, no more Summerbreeze section in the grocery store. And thank god for that!

  15. I find the douche bag to be much more frightening than even a shrine involving a saints finger or nail clippings or any other holy relics involving dismemberment.
    p.s. Any pictures of the Non-compact douche bag?

  16. Sister Wolf says:

    tor – Well, fish and chips are great. But there’s a time and a place…

    Laurin – I know. Me too. Blame Jill & Braindance for making me remember.

    Anna – It’s just some stuff to make women feel insecure about their Female Area. We don’t need it anymore. Look away from that picture!

    Iheartfashion – I guess so. Hahahaha! It looks ridiculous, doesn’t it?

    Omggmab- Are you just trying to make me feel better?

    Jill – YES, I have a better on on another dresser!

    Deni, I mean Enid – Hahahahaha!

    Queen Michelle -Do people use douche bags on American TV?! Or you mean, the ads? The stick is scaring all of us. I think it’s a squirter thing.

    Make Do – It is intimate. I am “opening up” to you. That’s how trusting I am.

    Aja – Let’s not tell her. But thanks for reminding me about the belt. God.

    La Belette Rouge – Not really, just enema bags that were supposed to double as douches. I can’t say enema bag without laughing.

  17. Sister Wolf says:

    Mark – I hate Sarah Silverman.

    Bex – it is a shrine to my avarice and atheism. But it’s nice, right?

    Hammie – Personally, I like to stand and press up to the washing machine.

  18. Braindance says:

    The scary syringe looking thing is called a A VAGINAL BULB SYRINGE…Yep, that’s what I said.

    To avoid transferring intestinal bacteria into the vagina, the same bag must not be used for a vaginal douche and an enema.

    No shit Sherlock, anybody who thought to douche and enema with the same VAGINAL BULB SYRINGE is insane.

    OK, I am going to step away from the Wikipedia Douche bag page, I feel a teeny tiny bit sick.

    Sister Wolf, you have me thinking, quick check the national grid for power surges, What do I have in my life to freak my kids with…?

    Mind you, they are so used to me, that even when were in a big shop and I grab a coal bucket from the aisle and say ‘Quick Tom! I’m going to poo myself!’ And then sit on it making ploppy noises, she just rolls her eyes and says ‘get up mummy’ in a slow drawl. Must.Try.harder.

  19. Jill says:

    Show a pic of the other one and I’ll show you mine! Hee Hee

    I actually do have this asian box thingy that I put my makeup in.

  20. Sister Wolf says:

    Braindance – NO FRONT TO BACK! That is rule 1 in sex ed. As for your kids, I’m sure you’ve given them the perfect balance of awe and reassurance.

    Jill – Deal.

  21. Mark says:

    Isn’t that “No back to front”?

  22. Sister Wolf says:

    Mark – YES, of course. That’s what I meant. I can see the lawsuits flooding in.

  23. I been following your blog for 3 days now and i should say i am starting to like your post.. and now I already subscribe to your blog......

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