The Truth About Brad and Angie!

If you’ve been following your celebrity gossip, you know that Brad and Angie sleep in separate beds, and that Angie is a controlling psycho who giggles when the kids cry.

I have a very special secret to tell you, that you can’t repeat to anyone: No one knows anything about Brad and Angie!

As a highly skilled tabloid journalist, I can tell you that each and every cover story on Brad and Angelina is (shhh!) complete fiction. The fights, the reconciliations, the secret calls to Jen, the arguments, the wedding plans, the ‘real’ relationship, the family dynamics…..all of it made up, for   you, the valued reader of Us, In Touch, Okay, Star, etc etc.

Sometimes, when there’s no story to make up, the resourceful journalist will have to divulge Angie’s Shocking Diet, or Brad’s Bedtime Phone-calls to the Kids. Sometimes, you just have to channel Brad or Angie. When he’s away making a movie, Angie is withdrawn. Or else maybe she’s bonding with Brad’s mom! Or, no, she’s fighting with Brad’s mom.

Whenever I read something exceptionally stupid and far-fetched about Brad and Angie (or any big celebrity) I can’t help feeling perversely envious of the writer who came up with such a whopping lie, thinking, Fuck! Why didn’t I ever think of that angle!

I totally admire the writer who came up with this one, at ShowbizSpy, about Angie’s lesbitious crush on Johnny Depp‘s wife, Vanessa Paradis:

“Angelina,” the source tells American tabloid the National Enquirer, “just loves Vanessa’s raw, natural beauty, and has always said how lucky Johnny is to have landed her. “Who knows? Maybe she wants more than friendship with her?”

Genius! Go check it out.

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27 Responses to The Truth About Brad and Angie!

  1. skye says:

    I was once drunk at a party with a writer from a gossip mag, and I asked her if they just make up the stories, and she said “of course we do, we have a meeting and everyone just brainstorms stuff.”

  2. Robin says:
    Unrelated, I just discovered this fashion blog that I think you might enjoy………

  3. Sister Wolf says:

    skye – Ahem, how shocking!

    Robin – OMG, this blog is HEAVEN. What a fucking lunatic! Thanks!

  4. queenzelda says:

    I always thought this but then why don’t they get sued? or more particularly, why do they only get sued sometimes?

  5. queenzelda says:

    OOO I think we found the project for Mum of Shoes to use up all her excess trim!

  6. Sister Wolf says:

    Queen Zelda -Hahahahaha!

  7. Hilarious – perhaps they could have a photogenic wife swap!

  8. I’m so disappointed I really want to believe Angelina does psycho laughing!

  9. arline says:

    Yeah, I figured so much, seeing as all the stories conflict ridiculously. What gets on my nerves, is that you can’t help looking at the “drama”. It is in our face everyday. You can’t go to the grocery store, without seeing the headlines of them, or others like them.

    The sick part is, that I pick the shit up, and look at, while I am waiting to check out.


    Is that link that Robin shared, a joke. It certainly is laughable.

  10. Cricket9 says:

    What the hell is Vanessa’s “raw beauty”? She doesn’t seem particularly “raw” to me…something that came up during a “brainstorming session”?

  11. arline says:

    I want to add, that I can’t stand Brad Pitt.

  12. Cybill says:

    Robin that link is incredible – horrifying and incredible. Delusion has a name and it is Aparallel.

    If the tabloids just kept the stories faintly believable they’d be better and while they are making this shit up they are hiding the really good stuff, like we found out in the Tiger Woods fiasco.

  13. Ann says:

    This post saddens me. I feel like I just learned Santa and the Easter Bunny aren’t real. I really thought Brad made secretive phone calls to little Jenny Aniston! Fuck! In truth, I wonder the same thing as Queen Zelda – why are they only sued sometimes?

    That new find of a fashion blog is truly horrifying. Wow.

  14. Pudfish says:

    Just checked out that fashion blog, interesting use of duct tape, but when I got to the micro shorts with more lacing than fabric, I had to stop. I scare easily.

  15. WendyB says:

    You mean that thing I read about Goethe isn’t true????

  16. Iron Chic says:

    I will not be convinced that they aren’t perfectly thrilled with their millions of dollars, beauty, fame, homes all over the world, a perfect child specimen from each race….fuck them if they can’t be happy.
    Not to mention Shiloh!

  17. aine says:

    seriously robin i love you, i’ve found my new crazy ass blogger to obsess over. I mean it might be a bit cruel but you can probably chart her inevitable mental breakdown by analysing her increasing use of duct tape on clothes, exclamation marks and increasingly needy sign offs.
    I especially love that her chosen career of stylist/costume designer isn’t creatively fulfilling enough so she had to start a blog

  18. Mark says:

    friends and neighbors are concerned…

  19. kate says:

    So tabloid writers are basically psychics? At least some of the things they “predict” come true through the power of suggestion, probably since actors are accustomed to letting fictions manifest.

    One thing we do know is that Angie was a drug addict, who collects knives and looks fucking psycho, and her dad IS Jon Voight, so she probably is evil in some way. The rag writers are just using their deductive reasoning powers like so much heroin.

  20. kate says:

    Also Apparellel looks like Catherine Keener. Using my untapped tabloid psychic powers, I’d say that IS Keener after a long battle with alcoholism. With this blog, she’s specifically trying to reach out to you, her adoring fan and future film role basis, through deadpan fashion wit. You’d better sell that screenplay of your life $TAT, cause Catherine’s u$ing duct tape for garter$.

  21. JayJay says:

    Exactly how does one get as thin as that apparallel chick? Does straight up coke still work or is there some newfangled over-the-counter stuff? My 20 year reunion is coming up, so I’d love an answer stat.

  22. Dru says:

    Just you wait, I bet the next story will be some sort of threesome/foursome angle- after all, Vanessa’s French (and therefore possibly licentious, the tabloids will say), Angie’s been bisexual, what’s to stop them.
    Of course this shit is made up. But I do wonder why they don’t get sued more often, too.

  23. Sketch42 says:

    When it comes to gossip mags I choose what I want to believe. Like anything about Jen aniston, I believe. Cause I feel like she has friends that would leak things to the press. And her stories are always so lame and believable.

    Angelina has never been in a room with another woman and let her live, so I discount all gossip about her and brad. No one knows anything. But isn’t that something?

  24. Lexi Conner, erm Bessie the Buddha says:

    We are a voyeuristic species. It’s all in the DNA; we crave stories real or not.

  25. peaceBwithU says:

    Who gives a flying fuck what they or any other celebrity do. Hey all you morons out there that read and discuss that shit……. GET A LIFE!

  26. Whew, what a relief, I was so worried about Brangelina’s marriage.

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