Two Idiots at Starbucks

Today I stopped at a Starbucks on my way home from an exciting outing to a box store. I checked out the two girls in front of me, who were decked out in a weird combination of work-out attire and leather. They were both tall and somewhat lesbitious looking.

One of them addressed the barista as though speaking to a member of a lower caste. “We want the coffee that gives money to AIDS,” she explained. “We want to make sure we get that kind, okay? That’s why we came here.”

(Now, I’ve seen the new Starbucks commercial, announcing that 5 cents from each coffee will go to the Aids fund.)

The guy looked baffled but game. “Uh, okay,” he said. “I’m not sure what kind that is.” He conferred with another guy and took the girls’ orders. They spoke loudly, like the Martian family on Saturday Night Live pretending to be from Paris.

“How do we know that the money is going to the charity?” demanded the more lesbitious of the two. The guy fumbled his way through an answer, obviously unaware of how the Starbucks ‘Red’ enterprise was supposed to work.

Watching this interaction, I was absolutely flabbergasted. I wanted to scream, “I’ll give five dollars to AIDS if you’ll just shut the fuck up and let me get my coffee, you fucking morons! You’re talking about ten cents!”

After politely ordering a normal cup of coffee, I wandered outside, filled with rage and wonder. Are there really people walking around, expecting the Nobel prize for giving ten cents to charity? This is why I’m better off staying at home and sending the husband to go to the box store.

I’ve just read about the Starbucks Red deal at the Starbucks website, where I learned that:

“In honor of the 20th World AIDS Day on Dec. 1, Starbucks will contribute five cents from every hand-crafted beverage sold that day at participating stores in the U.S. and Canada to increase awareness of AIDS in Africa.”

Hand-crafted beverage?! God. Just yesterday, I realized how much I hate the word “artisan,” thanks to hearing it attached to things like bread. Now I’m ready to hate “hand-crafted” too.

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29 Responses to Two Idiots at Starbucks

  1. skye says:

    All of that is eminently hateable – I guess the only thing you can be thankful for is that you didn’t actually have to hear her say “We want the handcrafted beverage where the money goes to AIDS.” because I don’t think even you could withstand that kind of horror.

  2. Juri says:

    I hope the guy spat in their coffees.

    He should have told them they will both receive a personal, hand-crafted, Thank You note from a naked African AIDS orphan. As soon as their five cents have arrived they will be sent a DVD containing exclusive footage from the celebrations. The village chief will also call them, personally, to wish them merry Christmas.

    “Buy an extra cup and you’ll get a phonecall from our Desmond Tutu or Nelson Mandela impersonator. Buy a bagel and we’ll throw in a fake Bono and the Pope.”

    That’s what I would have said. I quess I wouldn’t make a very good Starbucks employee.

  3. David Duff says:

    An excellent post, ‘Sister Wolf’ – snapping and snarling at its very best. That’s why, fickle fellow that I am, I have switched my adoration from Mrs. Palin – sooo cruel to all those lovely moosey-pooseys – and now my heart is yours.

    (Er, sorry, didn’t quite catch that …)

  4. Honeypants says:

    Oh thank god you’ve noticed how annoying “artisan” is in the context of bread! That’s been bugging me for ages. When I think of “artisan” I think of bent old Italian men hand crafting violins or jewelry boxes. Not the bakers of Winn Dixie throwing a pinch of rosemary into a bowl of dough!!!

    As for the lesbitious AIDS supporters, how ridiculously self important can one get? They are not going to save the world via one cup of coffee. From Starbucks no less! Morons.

  5. susie_bubble says:

    I’m all for charity but why do ppl have to be so bloody ANAL about it….?

  6. ash says:

    I bet that five cents gets hand-crafted by the Starbucks Artisans before they donate it! It would be better if they just put a damn donation box by the register! But then Artisans are much too busy to be logical! I personally, knew the world was doomed when they started calling the people who work at subway, “Sandwich Artists”.

  7. Heh. Enjoyable hand-crafted post, S Wolf, and a fine example of why it behoves your gentleman other to send you out into the world now and again, to collect such baubles as these, despite your feeble protests.

    Don’t much like the pitcher today though.

  8. so instead of just supporting Starbuck’s charity efforts, they have to torture service industry workers, too. There’s a special McDonald’s in hell for people like that.

  9. WendyB says:

    I’m sick of people using someone else’s company for charity and thinking they get the moral credit. The donation is coming from Starbucks, fools! Not you!

  10. Suebob says:

    If they are going to call my latte “handcrafted,” I want it made IN SOMEONE’s hands. No little steel pitcher for you! You are going to handcraft that steaming java!

    At least Starbucks 5 cent donation is better than those idjits at Yoplait, who want you to peel off your gunky yogurt lid, clean it off, save it and mail it to them, all so they can donate 5 cents to breast cancer research. No thanks, you Yoplait bastards. I guess it would be too much for you to step up to the plate and just write a damned check already?

  11. hammie says:

    Can’t they just give it already? And then put a halo on the mermaid with two tails doing the splits on the mug?

    or get someone to dress up as the mermaid and do the splits, for quarters?


  12. Peter says:

    “Lesbitious?” Haven’t heard that one before, but it’s better than the rather obscure “Sapphic.”

    As for Starbucks, much of their beverage-making process is handled by machines, so that the “barista” (a term I loathe) has been largely reduced to a button-pusher.


  13. HelOnWheels says:

    SW, I admire your restraint. I would have told those two to shut up and get the hell out of my caffeine-deprived way.

    “How do we know the money’s going to the charity?” Really? Seriously? All 5 cents of it. They’re such philanthropists. The nerve of those two. I would have answered in exactly the same way Juri would have. Which is why I stay out of the service industry.

  14. annemarie says:

    Those stupid bitches. The very thought of them enrages me. But most of all for picking on the working class– fuckers.

    I hate Starbucks too.

  15. Sister Wolf says:

    Skye – You’re right. I would have lost it.

    Juri -If only I could have channeled you at that moment.

    David -Good. It’s useless to try to resist me, anyway.

    Honeypants- Thank god you’re in on this!

    SusieB – It negates the good intent, doesn’t it?

    ash – Sandwich Artists?!?!?!?

    Nick – Sorry about the picture, I’ll make it up to you.

    fashion herald -Or a Del Taco, whichever is worse.

    WendyB -THANK YOU.

    Suebob -Hahahaha! Yoplait must be punished.

    Peter – I hate ‘barista’ too. It smacks of everything wrong with consumerism.

    HelOnWheels -I’m pretty sure my face was contorted with horror, but they were feeling too good about themselves to notice.

    annemarie -I hate Starbucks too, but I get anxious if I’m too far away from one.

  16. Honeypants says:

    Thank god New Orleans has several great local coffee chains. I avoid Starbucks like the plague! Jackie used to work at one of them, and she spit in people’s coffee ALL THE TIME (and worse)!

    Juri is just hysterical. I SO wish I could see him reacting that way to those bitches!

  17. Bex says:

    1) “Lesbitious” is a brilliant word!
    2) I have noticed that people turn into rude assholes during the holidays, or is it a year round occurance?
    3) Whaddaya want, a fucking medal for your 10 cents? Those lesbos should be shot! (Like that photo at the top of the post)

  18. Danielle says:

    I HATE…wait…LOATHE…Starbucks.

    And yet…the hot sleeve on my paper cup reads:

    “(Starbucks) RED EXCLUSIVES are Peppermint Mocha Twist, Gingersnap Latte, and Espresso Truffle. Only at participating locations.”

    Talk about fine print! So I guess I’ve given $0.10 to AIDS. (1) Go me. (2) Damn these too-good Espresso Truffle mochas. I HATE Starbucks.

  19. J says:

    Stupidness should be outlawed, though then our prisons would be even more crowded than ever before. I agree, much better to just give the people your money and not be all sanctimonious about your fancy 10 cent donation. Sigh.

  20. Jeremy says:

    Can we talk about the leather exercise attire? I feel like this equally egregious aspect of the story is being overlooked.

  21. enc says:

    “Hand-Crafted,” that’s rich. I love it when that term is applied to beer.

  22. Mark says:

    Damn. You just made my night. I think I would have been tempted to follow those women, and see how they interact with the rest of the world beyond Starbucks. Priceless.

  23. Sister Wolf says:

    Honeypants -Tell Jackie ‘thanks!’

    Bex – They need not be shot, just sent away for reprogramming

    Danielle -So where do you go then? Coffee Bean etc or What?

    J -Thank you for using ‘sanctimonious.’ It is not used often enough!!!

    Jeremy – YES. One wore a leather mini skirt over bell-bottom sweatpants!! and the other wore a leather jacket with her sweats, plus earrings the size of dinner plates.

    enc -Ugh!

    Mark -I should have followed, sorry for the laziness.

  24. hammie says:

    ps. Mr Hammie’s new favourite word is Lesbicious. But I think it means more to him…

  25. Wordsmith says:

    First off, I wouldn’t be in Starbucks….but for the sake of – you – I am. See, I’d say something. Like it’s only 10-cents ya fucking posers. Nooo…now I might get punched. Maybe I’d drop ‘the ya fuckin’ posers’ or MAYBE I could just ADD ya fuckin’ lesbicious posers.

    I swear I so totally why Sr. Dorothy’s mother (94) would only listen to us for a minute or so. When you’re 94, everyone is a fucking poser.

  26. King Leo says:

    came across your site because a mutual interest in Robert Downey Jr. Were we separated at birth? Love you!


  27. Danielle says:

    I’m from Portland, and I’m not quite sure what the coffee snobbery is like in other parts of the country (it’s pretty high here), but I am either at Dutch Bros (it’s a super-cheap and pretty good drive-thru) or Stumptown, which is goddamned amazing, and I hear they’re going to be selling their beans nation-wide soon!

  28. One Of Those Rabid Bloggers says:

    I like to think there are rooms of marketing people, sitting around trying to think of how they can molest the English language in ways that will make some of us enthusiastic and most of us “cringe”. “Hand crafted beverage” definitely came from one of those amazing meetings.

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