Stalking The Ex

You know that crap you see on MSN that’s there to distract you with mundane and/or bizarre trivia….like “Lose Weight While Eating” or “Ten Ways to See if He’s a Mass Murderer?” Obviously, I’m much too savvy to click on that shit.

But today I noticed “I Stalked My Boyfriend’s Ex” and thought, Big deal, who hasn’t?

When I met my husband, his Ex was living with a man she would later marry, but the divorce wasn’t final yet. Everything I heard about her was horrifying. On one of our first dates, he even showed me her ‘head-shots,’ because she was an Actress. I was shaken by the big actressy smile and the long blond bob.

When he went out of town, the Ex always took care of his cat.  I suggested that it was time to let me take care of the cat, and after a lot of soul-searching (i.e., bitter arguing) he decided that the Ex and I would share the job.

I was furious but terrified of bumping into her. Instead, because it was nearly Easter, I left her a chocolate Easter bunny. I was trying to demonstrate how nice I was. She responded by leaving me a potted plant, with a little note that I still have somewhere. She dotted the i in her name with a little star.

I consulted a friend who gave me good advice: You can’t beat someone at their own game. This is advice I’ve passed on several times, that’s how good it is. She warned me that the Ex was known for her friendliness; if I kept trying to outdo her, I’d end up giving her the deed to my house and STILL she’d think of something to up the ante.

I gave up the niceness and went straight to pure seething hatred. She would not stay in line, even though she was about to marry someone else. On the eve of her marriage, she left a whimsical poem for my husband, just to keep her hand in, so to speak.

Time passed and I got pregnant. The Ex got pregnant too! She was like a horrible toothy spectre that wouldn’t stop haunting me with her legendary Friendliness and Kookiness. I had come to learn that she loved giving parties, wearing hats, and dressing up like a clown in her own TV show on the public access channel.

Finally, the Ex and I had our babies. My husband was invited to a wedding where the Ex would be in attendance. I geared up for it by dying my hair even blacker and wearing a tiny pleated Catholic schoolgirl skirt.   Our first encounter was dreadful, even though I knew it was funny. She took my husband’s coat like she was still the wife and put it on a chair. I could barely look at her. She smiled in a way that showed her back molars. Her voice was loud and animated, like someone who has a show on the public access channel.

Our babies started crying and the Ex and I had to both get our boobs out to breastfeed. We began to talk shop. I tried to feel normal, as though we were two normal women with new babies. She remarked that her boobs lactated differently. I told her that, yeah, that happens. She leaned toward me and said dramatically “I call [my boobs] Comfy and Squirty.” I was speechless. All I could think to say was “Uh, I call mine Right and Left.”

God, I was obsessed with that Ex. For years, I would call her phone number on holidays just to hear her themed outgoing messages. On Saint Patrick’s day, she used an Irish accent.

All these years later, I can still get steamed when I think about her. She was the anti-me, and that was a big part of her mystique for me. Over time, I’ve come to feel more secure about being an angry inhibited brunette. I think I’m the best in my league, I guess. A loud vivacious blond can still irritate me, but that’s about it.

If you’ve never been pathologically jealous, you’ll have no idea of how awful it feels. But also too, you will never know the insurmountable pleasure of having a friend make a prank-call on your rival, and getting her to believe she’s just been offered a leading role in the sequel to the Wizard of Oz, called Beyond the Rainbow.

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30 Responses to Stalking The Ex

  1. Romeo says:

    I didn’t realize I should be asking potential paramours if they had names for their breasts. Thank you for serving your country.

  2. Sal says:

    “I gave up the niceness and went straight to pure seething hatred.” That made me laugh out loud, Sister. This ex sounds positively intolerable in every way.

    My college BF was sleeping with one of his housemates while dating me, and I didn’t find out till it had been going on for MONTHS. This woman had been in love with him for 4 years, and even after he finally broke it off with her, she haunted our relationship. You know, from THE NEXT ROOM BECAUSE SHE WAS HIS HOUSEMATE. She made me miserable, and I did my best to repay her in kind. I still hope she’s miserable. Though not as often or as actively, since I now refer to this boyfriend as “Stupid Joe.”

  3. K-Line says:

    What a punchline, Sister! Hilarious post – but poignant. And the photo that accompanies is perfect. It’s interesting how our polar opposites can undo us. My husband’s former girlfriend was a polar opposite to me too. (Which is to say I’m entirely superior :-))

  4. Juri says:

    Beyond the Rainbow? Wow. It seems like showing her back molars and dotting all those stars really have paid off. I’d better start dotting the i in my name as well before it’s too late.

    I also realised I haven’t really stalked anyone yet, or had a stalker, and I’ll turn 40 in nine days. Shit. Better start working on that one, too.

    I wish I had read this yesterday. A woman was breastfeeding her baby at the table opposite to me in McDonalds, and if only I had know about Comfy and Squirty I could have asked her if her breasts had names too. Who knows, the four might even have known each other or even been related! Then I could have said that Perky and Milky from Copenhagen said Hej.

  5. J says:

    That’s too funny! I wonder how long she was fooled.

    I wonder where the jealousy comes from…I mean, she’s the ex, you’re the now. But I get it, I totally get it. Just don’t know why.

  6. HelOnWheels says:

    “I gave up the niceness and went straight to pure seething hatred.”

    “Over time, I’ve come to feel more secure about being an angry inhibited brunette.”

    “If you’ve never been pathologically jealous, you’ll have no idea of how awful it feels.”

    SW, I almost cried tears of joy after reading this post. I felt I was reading my own thoughts. All these years I felt very alone, misunderstood and somewhat of a freak: I’m an angry inhibited redhead. I suffered pathological jealousy and have seethed and endured murderous thoughts of one bf’s exes. Thank you for the post. It’s almost like a PSA or an invitation to “group therapy”…but way better, especially since I laughed my ass off.

  7. letslivefast says:

    i’m so glad i discovered this site!
    amusing story- it’s been a while since i laughed so hard


  8. annemarie says:

    Our men should want to spit on the shallow bitches who came before us like we do.

    First of all, the minute they met us we blew their mind, quite simply. They never met anyone like us.

    In fact, they barely even knew what a woman, and I mean a real woman, was.

    How did they get by all those years without us? Ah, they barely know themselves. They only really BECAME themselves when they met us.

    Those before-years are just a blur of loneliness and boredom and very bad sex.

    Basically, they were lost and now they are found.

    The fact that they don’t do the gentlemanly thing and bad-mouth these bitches is proof, UNDENIABLE proof, that they think of us merely as an “upgrade.”

  9. annemarie says:

    johnny depp is a true gent– not only does he remove the tattooed names of his exes from his body, but every interview he says how he was totally and utterly miserable before he met Vanessa Paradis. That’s a gentleman for you.

  10. enc says:

    I love that you use your powers for E-Vil, and not good.

  11. dewayne says:

    completely off topic, but my girlfriend just showed me this and i thought of you

  12. Sister Wolf says:

    Romeo – No, THANK YOU! And don’t ask for boob-names until you get her back to your place.

    Sal – I hope she’s miserable, too. Bitch.

    K-line – Remind him how lucky he is!

    Juri -I would be glad to stalk you, if only you weren’t so far away. I know annemarie is with me on this.

    J – It’s a primal struggle to win Daddy’s love.

    HelOnWheels -Did she leave a good outgoing phone message???

    letslivefast -it IS funny, that is my payoff for the suffering.

    annemarie -Hahahahhaha. ‘a real woman’= funniest thing ever!

    enc -Yes, that’s how I roll.

    Dewayne -OH MY! If she doesn’t want it, can I have it??

  13. hammie says:

    oh Heaven! But you know that she is Samantha/Jeanie with the blonde hair,
    and you are Serena/Esmeralda the brunette who is way more fun.

    But seriously, when it comes to helping you hate this chick, you had me at “dresses as a clown”

    The ONLY thing scarier than clowns is Women Clowns! (followed by puppets and clown dolls)

    I hope they put up a warning on the Public Access TV show before they show it. Thats all I’m saying.


  14. dewayne says:

    sure thing….soon as i have ten million dollars to spend on bras, i’ll get you both one.

  15. HelOnWheels says:

    SW, nope, no interesting message. She wasn’t even interesting or special enough to warrant my hatred, except that I did I loathed her. She was a shallow little rich bitch who made him run around after her, even after their break-up. Maybe I should have tried that tactic…or dumped him sooner. 😉

  16. You were jealous of a happy blond clown with names for her boobs and a show on public access, Sister?!
    Surely you can see that your jealousy is entirely misplaced!

  17. Skye says:

    Imagine my glee when I discovered the website my husband’s ex girlfriend (and her fake boobs) started to try and promote her career as a washed up cable tv presenter/Lolita-style J-Pop star (pretty sure the Lolita gig is not going to work for you once you’re 35 regardless of the size of your implants). Imagine the even greater glee I had emailing the link to as many people as possible for their amusement. I wish that website still existed so I could post the link here too!

  18. Sister Wolf says:

    Hammie – If only I could see that show! It was called “The Wonderful World of” something. I believe she may have played a spider too (unless I dreamed that part)

    dewayne – Thanks, honey! xo

    HelOnWHeels – It’s funny how the hatred is so disproportionate to the actual qualities of the Hated One.

    Iheartfashion – I know, but your phrase ‘happy blond clown’ actually gave me a little stab of pain!

    Skye – SHIT! I need to see it. You can still find it, at that site that archives everything….I will ask my teenager. This is major! Hahahahahaha! I hate her already!

  19. OMGGMAB says:

    I notice the illustrious Duff is silent? Could that mean that his stalker has killed him? Oh, I forgot, his stalker got liberal and was conservatively bored, and left.

    As for jealousy, I state simply that as I have grown older, the past ogres have dissipated only to be replaced by fantastic whims of sexual fancy. I expect that most of those old blonds have varicose veins and plastic surgical lined faces. The fantasy people never see any of these flaws in me! Do I need therapy?

  20. Skye says:

    I couldn’t find the actual music video anywhere (although there were snippets of it in her showreel on her current website). If only I could post a link to her current website without getting busted (I totally would) – she’s now apparently “saving the world” via a cable hosting gig…

  21. Danielle says:

    Well, clearly she was a winner….

    But I’m curious…for all the niceties, etc., did she actually take herself and antics seriously? Like those themed recordings? I mean, c’mon…who does that and is completely serious?

  22. comfy and squirty almost made me puke. I still carry a lot of pathological dislike for the exes. oh, the bad behavior i’ve had to try and rein in….I could do a post for 3 of the bitches.

  23. Sister Wolf says:

    OMGGMAB -No, it’s me who needs therapy, you’ve wised up.

    Skye -Waaah, if only!

    Danielle -YES, she did! That’s what made her so unnerving.

    fashion herald -GET BUSY then!! I need to read those 3 posts!!

  24. Bonnie says:

    OMG, I just spent my entire morning at work stalking my boyfriend’s ex-wife and ex-girlfriend and can’t seem to get enough of it!

    Learning the phrase “pathologically jealous” is probably the highlight of my day. It’s a pretty accurate description of how I feel sometimes, even though he is 110% devoted to me.

  25. Jack says:

    I just read this today and you really helped me alot. When I met my boyfriend he was still finalizing his divorce. He has three kids which live with us and a blond, tall, fake boobed ex wife. She is loud and charming and pretty and my stomache cramps every time I have to see her which is about every day. So its been a year and a half and I am still here. Whats Ironic is I did’nt start to feel this way until I saw pictures of them together when the kids were first born. God, Never look at Picuters! I had never experienced jealousy at all in my previous four-year relationship so these feelings just crept up on me. I feel like I’m a crazy person but I don’t talk to me boyfriend about this stuff because I know he really love me. Its just hard to see perfection every day when I such a down-to-earth girl. I mean full makeup, perfect outfit and always 6 inch heels. I know its crazy but I am glad other people feel the same way!

  26. Jenny says:

    too too funny!

  27. Morgen says:

    Well I am the ex being stalked by the new girlfriend. We are opposites, but he downgraded. He’s a cheater and a liar and he cheated on me with her lied to us both, he was still trying to keep me in the picture but i turned mean on him to get him to leave me alone. She has been stalking my Twitter account since they were sneaky around my back making cruel tweets about me.

    She is very insecure, I am a natural, she wears a pound of makeup and shows off her body. I have been over my breakup and lately I Tweet positive loving quotes and songs, about love and life. So she makes tweets about mine and saying immature things like “bitches be like…” she is 29 and she acts like a teenager. I had a gut feeling to look at her profile and she makes counter tweets to mine. All I do is laugh at her. She has my ex now, I don’t want him back. But she can’t handle how I’m not giving in and making immature tweets back so she keeps doing it.

    They are both kids in the mind and she can tweet stalk me all she wants, I can careless. I obviously have an effect on her and she can’t stop it so there is one thing to stalk, but to stalk and write comments about the ex GF 10 months later is crazy.

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