Godammit, why am I the last to know EVERYTHING? Did you guys know there’s another Hadid sister besides Gigi and Bella? This is too much. Or rather, too many. Three too many, actually.
Until recently, I knew next to nothing about Bella. Gigi was the one I thought of as the blight on youth culture and fashion. Her soft butterface is everywhere. She always has the same expression, like she’s not quite awake. She looks like a spoiled rich kid from some obscure Eastern European republic. And she’s often pictured with Kendall Jenner, striding down a street pretending not to notice the paparazzi.
She is also the face of Maybelline or Cover Girl, tainting all my magazines with her sullen pout and weirdly arched eyebrows. She makes me remember that I used to watch the Housewives of Beverly Hills, which featured her mom, a giant blonde gold-digger who I suspected of being a man.
I was vaguely aware of Bella, who is kind of the consolation-prize sister, not blonde and not as pubescently squishy. It turns out that Bella is a big deal in her own right. She’s probably dating an important hip hop artist or NBA star.
My adopted daughter Ali told me about an interview Bella did with Complex magazine that had caused a ruckus. When I hesitated, explaining that I was detoxing from celebrities, she assured me that it had deep cultural relevance, and she was right.
Bella is the stupidest girl in the world. You will cringe and you will wish you were never born but you will thank me for posting this video.Without it, you just can’t grasp what the world has come to.
So that’s Bella.
But why do we need Alana? What’s the point of her? Why doesn’t she change her name and move somewhere out of the spotlight? I think she’s pretending to be a designer of some kind but I want to not think about her. You can read about her here but don’t come back and tell me anything.
What if there’s a fourth sister?!??