Any stupid lunatic out there who thinks they can mess me up, knock yourself out. I will say whatever I want about whoever I want. I am exactly who I say I am. I have nothing to hide. I don’t ask for special courtesy because of my loss. But if you go out of your way to fuck with me, I will express my annoyance.
The rest of you, I couldn’t love you more. xo
Ann Coulter walks into a bar. Bartender says “Why the long face?”
Did you hear about the Polish person who thought asphalt was rectum problems?
What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men? Their knees!
Should be rectum trouble!
OMG! That should be their ankles!
No more booze for me. 😉
Ha, ha, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, ha, ha, haaaaaaaaaaa, haaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cheer: I’m blond, I’m blond, I’m B-L-O……?…I’m blond, I’m blond!
You are great people! Love!
Not a joke but something better.
Before: http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1117/778226808_3dd245109b.jpg
After: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAAj1OiH-WA
Video footage of the 62 foot graven image of “Touchdown Jesus” engulfed in flames. Mother Nature’s way of saying stop believing in bullshit (and constructing lightning rods out of metal rods, fiberglass and styofoam). This is about fifteen minutes from my place and made headlines on NPR and the Guardian. Bonus that it’s also House Minority Leader John Boehner’s family church where the pastor was once arrested for cocaine distribution. It’s amused me for the past two days.
Ashley, Mutterhals obviously wrote that Urban Dictionary entry herself. She’s only able to contribute through provocation, or so she hopes. Aside from this final warning not to feed the trolls (although I believe certain other people are just soft in the head, not deliberately quarrelsome), don’t give them the satisfaction.
Eliza, that joke was funny too!
What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?
Oil of Olay
Dust: I am half Mexican!
No disrespect to anyone with this jokes. All in fun no harm intended!
Touchdown Jesus hit by lightening = God trying to tell you to stop committing idolatry.
What??!!! The exact same thing happened in the golden calf incident way back when.
For Dust:
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
Crap, the one time I can’t think of a good joke! But you guys got me laughing! And I’m with everyone else on ignoring the ignorant troll.
Sister Wolf, your strength astounds me. You’re a better woman than I could ever hope to be.
XXX
Suzanne
Q: What did one banana say to the other?
A: Nothing, you twat. Bananas can’t talk.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob.
To still have a sense of humor and visual justice and to have enough spirit to be wicked in a time of needless loss–that’s pretty well-adjusted indeed.
Love you Sister Wolf. Your blog has meant a lot to me. Your words have profoundly influenced my idea of what it will be like to be a mother, how to deal with a difficult mother like you did, and what it means to be a woman. You did your very best for Max. Love and healing to you and your family. May he rest in peace.
It is saddest when trolls trick themselves into thinking they are some sort of “puppet master” figure simply because people respond to them. In truth, it’s really just fun to yell at stupid people. Anyway…here’s my lame joke:
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
How do you make Lady Gaga angry?
Poke her face.
What do you call a deer with no eye?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eye and no leg?
Still no idea.
What d’you call a man sitting in a pile of leaves?
RUSSELL!
Paddy and Mick go on a roller-coaster. Mick says “if we turn upside down do you think we’ll fall out?” Paddy says “of course not, we’ve been mates for years”
A true life story,
my friend was quietly complaining that she’s been constipated for a whole week, I answered loudly in shock : no shit!
Couple of years later, when free-minded Danish teacher complained about her week long constipation while sitting in her brand new Balenciaga, my reaction was much more sophisticated : you are telling us that you are full of shit right now? In Balenciaga? How stylish!
One thing is clear to me now, why I love Sister Wolf so much. Because she brings out the best in me. It’s very selfish, but one must gain to be able to give back.
Remember the one about how I once stayed in a hotel the same time as Sea and Mom and they stared at me blankly at first (practically “how can an ethnic person of non-asian descent afford this place?”) and then stood momentarily gazing mouths agape with the plundering lust of ethnocentric furtrappers in the lobby cause I was wearing a Jewish cultural costume that might just be tacky enough for them? And how they had *LITERALLY* one of those bell hop guys with a stack of over four shoe boxes trailing in their wake as they smiled blandly and emitted the stench of Viking pillage?
Good times.
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and half a torso?
Dick.
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs hanging on the wall?
Art
What do you call a woman with no arms, no legs washed up on the beach?
Sandy
(thanks for the jokes and laughs everyone)
Viva sister wolf!
I’m sure some of the following has been said by others, but I read the comment thread on ‘In My Hour of Darkness’ (and this one) and feel the need to point out several things:
1. Calling you “not at all witty” (among other things) shows that the speaker has neither a sense of humor nor any intelligence whatsoever.
2. Free speech–it’s a great idea and all the smart kids do it on a regular basis. Sea is a public figure. Carry on saying what needs to be said.
3. I’m still lighting candles and sending good thoughts (oh hell, I’ll admit it, praying) for you and Simone and everyone else.
4. I’m not that other Kelly (you knew that).
This empties my joke vault:
Roofer hammering on shingles screams AAARRRGGGH! Fellow roofer says what happened, didja hit your fucking finger? 1st roofer says, no, the one next to it.
Psychiatrist says to keptomaniac patient, well I think you’re cured now, but should you have a relapse, pick me up a Mixmaster.
What do you call a man in a swimming pool with no legs and no arms ?
Bob
Aah, the video was removed after a copyright claim. Here’s 11 seconds of Jesus dying for your schadenfreude: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUZ3d1tTbWg
My favourite ice cream is any I can get my hands on when mummy allows me. I like jelly too. My mummy told me you have the softest, most gentle voice she’s ever heard.
Fuckin a.
Rage on all you need to.
haha I came in on the best part of the comments. SW please get better with time. I missing your rants but I also know it takes time to heal. I hope some of these jokes and comments are bringing you some form of entertainment and joy.
1st guy says “this cookie tastes like pussy”
2nd guys takes a lick and says “no, it tastes like asshole”
1st guys says “you gotta turn it over and lick”
Carole, I’m Polish and should kick you in the asphalt for the Polish joke, but for some reason I feel good-natured today, so here is another one: a Polish pilot approaches an airport to land, and says to the second pilot: “Look what they did here, this runaway is so damn short!” The second pilot says: “Yes, but look how wide!”
Eliza, I couldn’t stop laughing at “Jesus struck by lighting” headline this morning. Satan’s work, no doubt!
The persistent troll person can’t be “the most hated writer”- it would mean that someone actually bothers to read her/his /it’s blog…
Too bad lightning missed the other touch down Jesus located at Notre Dame Indiana. I’d pay money for that show.
Sister, spill your tears, vent your grief in whatever way you need. Those who have never lost cannot understand. Ignor the heartless bastards who cannot fathom your pain. They are on a bus to a place only they deserve.
Candles lit for your son to light his journey to peace. Much love to you and your family.
I love you Joanne.
Whats white and fluffy and swings around a cake shop?
A meringue-a-tang
J: Thinking of you – and obvs. I have to go back a couple of posts and see what’s up. xo
Hi! I never comment but I have read through all your archives and you are hilarious. It’s fun to read your posts and also all the comments. I’ve never commented before but I found your site through Kingdom of Style and I like it very much. 🙂
It’s really sad that some people think this is a good time to tell you What They Really Think of You. Stupid assholes. I think …whatever, they’re entitled to have no humor and their own opinion… but they really picked a bad time to let you know! Good to know they aren’t getting you down, though. Keep staying strong. Hope these people who are giving you a hard time fuck off and leave you alone soon!
Best Wishes,
Carey
Well, bein’ from Arkansas, my joke list is limited, regardless:
1. You Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if……
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to
catch’em.
3. You Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if……
When the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering” and five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if……
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if……
A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get
out of.”
6. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if ……
The choir is known as the “OK Chorale.”
7. You ! Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if……
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if…….
People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too
heavy.
9. You Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if……
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized ” Wheeling” washtub.
10. You Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if………
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo
from) Roy Bob’s Barbecue.
11. You Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if……..
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duckcall.
12. You Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if …….
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
13. You Know You’re in a Hillbilly Church if …….
The communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink.”
And you know you’re in Arkansas if the baggage handlers at the airport find:
http://www.fox16.com/news/local/story/Human-heads-found-in-packaging-at-Little-Rock/KMmRcivpkUStQAO1VbwzGA.cspx
I’ve been reading your blog after finding a link from another fashion blog – so I started at the end of the archives and read my way to the present.
And then I get to the present, and find out that you have suffered a terrible loss, and I just want to say I’m so very sorry.
If the good thoughts of a total stranger mean anything in this hard world, please know I’m thinking of you. The Quakers have the phrase “holding someone in the light” – this cranky old atheist is holding you and your son in the light.
Reading this entry and comments while eating a late dinner tonight leads me to my favorite lame joke……. What do you call a bunch of cows masturbating????? Beef stroking off.
Some good ones above… Bevitron, I esp. had a good chuckle at your “fucking finger” one!
Hey, there are a lot of questions in these comments– that’s my job!!
For this reason you have the best blog out there. No need for tantalizing fashion imagery, or outfit posts, or whatever else we fashion bloggers do. Just you and your honesty is enough. You are raw and magnetic, and there is clearly a shitload of people willing to read and respond to every single word you write (this is a GIFT). Someone better give you that fucking book deal soon, ’cause I’m getting impatient.
Thinking of you xo
A man is worried his wife is losing her hearing, so he asks his doctor what he should do. “She’s so sensitive, I’m afraid to bring it up, but I think she’s going deaf, what should I do?”
The doctor says “Well here’s a little test, wait until her back is turned and stand 10 feet behind her and ask her what’s for dinner, see if she answers, if not try 5 feet behind her, and if she still doesn’t answer, get right behind her and ask her…”
So he tries it. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” At 10 feet, he hears no reply. He moves up to 5 feet and says “Honey, what’s for dinner?” and he hears nothing from his wife. Finally, he gets right behind her and says “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
His wife says, “For the third time, chicken!”
I just started reading your blog and I’m so happy to have found something to read which is friggin’ entertaining.
I kept feeling like I should like Sea’s style until I read your comments and realized that I shouldn’t feel like I should respect her style – I should be able to hate it.
Thanks for giving me that.
(And I’m sure you’ve gotten many condolences and I can’t imagine what you’re going through – but…I’m so sorry,)
So this crazy guy decided to escape from the asylum in the dead of night. He planned it carefully, and finally one night he managed it, armed with just a flashlight and the clothes on his back. Unfortunately, another inmate caught him, and said he would call the nurses unless the first guy took him along. So he agreed.
Well, the only way out was through a window, so they climbed through it and up onto the roof. Most of the buildings in the city were pretty close together, so the first guy (who was brave, even though he was crazy), just jumped on across. But the second guy was a coward, and he had short legs, and was too afraid to jump: he just knew he would fall. The first guy tried to persuade him it would be fine, but he just wouldn’t move.
Finally, the first guy gave in.
“Okay, okay,” he said. “How about this? I’ll turn the flashlight on and point it at your roof, and you can walk across the beam to my roof.”
The second guy pondered this for a minute, and then looked suspiciously at his companion.
“No way,” he said. “I’d have to be crazy to do that. As soon as I was halfway across, you’d turn it off!”
And we love you too.
Beef striking off!!
Hahahahaha
Fuck this phone! Stroking not striking…dammit.
Still thinking of you and sending as much light and love as ever.
One of these days we gotta get you a gig in London so Kate and I can take you out to lunch and smother you wtb love and prosecco. There MUST be a way xx
You have such a big lovely commenter family. And some parts of the family as vile as the Uncle who used to like to hug me extra long until I learned to predict when he was coming over and never, ever go home til he left.
Love the jokes. That fucking finger one is going to get retold, I already know that.
On my blog I posted a note from the fucking dogbite people I took to court. Somehow they have convinced themselves that not only do I not deserve to recover the vet bills from them, but that the bite never happened and that I am running a scam to make $208 at a time by allowing dogs to bite Goldie, faking up some vet bills and photos, taking a day off work and going to court. It is that same kind of elaborate self-delusion that allows your trolls to berate a grieving mother and somehow still feel good about their actions. Fuck all those self-deluded crapmonkeys.
why did the scarecrow win a nobel prize?
he was out standing in his field.
x x x
So there’s this guy who has a tan all over his body except his dick and balls. He decides to go to the beach and cover his entire body in sand except of course his jewels. Shortly after 2 older ladies walk by and one says to the other, “Godammit! Now that they’re growing out of the ground I can’t even squat!”