2014 VMA Awards Exegesis

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God, what an ordeal. I’m going directly to Beyonce to say: Why did everyone love this performance???

I really think I have never seen such an obnoxious display of self-importance in my whole life. “Welcome to my World?” Who gives a shit about her world! Why can’t she sing a song with a melody? It’s all like a long intro that never turns into an actual song. Since when does spreading your legs in a leotard and shaking your hair around signify feminism? Is everybody crazy? Beyonce is now like a parody of a self-important diva. She fucking LOVES herself. Why does she need us at this point? When she tells the audience ‘I love y’all!’ it is absurdly hollow.

And the fucking husband-and-baby gambit, Jesus Christ. Who else would do that? Just awful.

Okay. Moving on. The rest of the show was about asses, most of them huge. I was actually moved to consult my husband for a male judgement on whose ass was the night’s biggest. His answer was Iggy, which surprised me. Surely Niki Minaj had the evening’s hugest ass, or maybe she just twerked it in our faces more.

The look of dismay on Rita Ora‘s face during the Anaconda dance functions perfectly as a universal statement of repugnance for this tawdry shit. It just can’t get any lower. Racist, sexist, artificial, we now have Miley Cryus as the elder statesman and voice of reason. Please Adele, come back, we need you.

In order of awfulness there was:

Tayler Swift – Tragically delusional, she now thinks she is Britney Spears. Make her die.

Nicki Minaj – Depressingly shameless, she has some nerve to lecture other rappers about artistic integrity.

Sam Smith – Ugh! Stop singing that same fucking song. He’s like Antony Hegarty without the gender intrigue. Hate him. Bring back Boy George if we need a pudgy gay white soul singer!

Maroon 5 – Adam Levine is a disgrace to the Chosen People. He needs to shave and to stop imitating Sting.

Jesse J – Ew, what is the point of her? She’s just a big man with a screechy voice.

Now, here’s what was good:

Iggy Azalea – because I love her and that’s that.

Rita Ora – because she can actually sing.

Usher – because he can dance.

Homeless Jesse – because he is really cute, and I liked his relative composure.

Miley Cyrus – Because she managed to look ‘classy’ by keeping her tongue in her mouth, and stole everyone’s thunder with that homeless shit.

Maybe now people can stop throwing buckets of ice water on themselves and start throwing water at Tayler Swift if at all possible.

 

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14 Responses to 2014 VMA Awards Exegesis

  1. Andrea says:

    Agree on the Beyonce shit. I thought I was the only one in the universe who thought that performance was awful. What is the big deal about her & everything that goes with her? Agree also with most of the rest of what you say except Miley & the homeless crap. That was just an empty PR stunt to resurrect her image from the gutter. That Taylor Swift attaches herself to anyone that is popular at the moment (Lorde, Karlie Kloss) to bask in their reflected glow. But she is kind of still quite immature (but with money, which makes some people take her seriously).

  2. Ali says:

    The best part of any of this shit is watching recaps and waiting for your EXEGESIS.

  3. RL says:

    THANK YOU. I have lost my patience with Beyoncé over the years. She is a hollow shell of a stunt queen. Her publicity moves are mind-numbingly predictable — we all knew she’d pull out Blue to prove how /happy/ and /perfect/ her life is amidst the rumours. You’re right on time, Bey. Yawn.

  4. TinLizzie says:

    Wow I normally can’t stand Miley but I have to give her kudos for highlighting http://www.myfriendsplace.org my husband was one of the original founders and chose the name of the charity. Miley did her homework, they do so much for the homeless and runaway teens in Hollywood. Their donations are through the roof since this!

  5. Debbie says:

    I cannot watch the VMA’s or anything on MTV. Everyone is an idiot. I HATE rap. I hate the over sexualized B.S. And yeah … I saw that Beyoncé aka Queen of the Universe, had her kid and her man come on stage to prove that they are one big happy family … divorce will commence within the next six months. I think she’s a beautiful woman but I can’t stand the way she sings (if you could call it that). Great post and recap. Thanks Sister.

  6. Winter Bird says:

    Brava Sister. I no longer have anything in common with the Grammy’s or VMA’s. Last year, I was going to start a fund for Miley Cyrus as it looked liked she was having a stroke. Hell indeed has frozen over and I have become my parents…”turn that bullshit you call music, off !!!!!”

  7. Bevitron says:

    I’m so glad you do this for us, Sister. I don’t even know who 95% of those people are, and with your report I can join in a discussion of the event, adding “Oh she was just AWFUL” or “I disagree, I love her” comments with confidence. I love you!

    Emmys next please? (I’m ashamed to report I do know who some of THOSE people are.)

  8. Andrea says:

    Well what a surprise, it was a stunt. I’d be interested to hear what you think now.

    Jesse Helt: Several Warrants Out for the Arrest Of Miley Cyrus’ VMAs Date
    by Tyler Johnson at August 26, 2014 4:52 pm. Updated at August 26, 2014 4:51 pm. 0 Comments
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    It all started when Miley Cyrus had a “homeless” man give her acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday night.

    Homeless Man Accepts Miley Cyrus Award
    Many viewers pointed out that the man – 22-year-old Jesse Helt – looked more like he’d stepped out of the pages of GQ than the alleyways of Skid Row, but even so, Miley was widely praised for her efforts to call attention to the plight of the impoverished in America.

    Then the truth came out. Jesse Helt was never homeless. As many might have guessed from his appearance, he moved to LA to pursue a career in male modeling.

    He fell on some hard times, but he had a home and living family waiting for him back in Oregon all the while.

    Helt’s mom revealed that he was never a homeless teen (as he’d implied in his speech) just this morning, but that wasn’t the final bombshell revelation of the day:

    E! News has reported that there are currently several warrants out for Helt’s arrest for charges ranging from burglary to criminal mischief.

    Helt violated his probation several times while still living in Salem by failing to complete his community service hours, refusing to take a drug test, and failing to report to his probation officer, amongst other violations.

    Cyrus had already faced criticism for what many perceived as a stunt that had more to do with her than with any sincere desire to help the impoverished.

    Read more celebrity gossip at: http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2014/08/jesse-helt-several-warrants-out-for-the-arrest-of-miley-cyrus-vm/#ixzz3BY4Y2IUQ

  9. dust says:

    @Andrea- I wouldn’t be so fast to interpret the official report on Jesse Helt as suggested. I hear unfair legal system in it and defensive tone of parents ashamed for being judged for negligence and they might be decent people who wanted their son to choose different profession or offered to find him a job in local community, which he had right to refuse and try making it on it’s own. When you are a homeless, you are already half criminal and exposed to extreme uncertainties, so making the right choices becomes practically impossible. Put that reality on award show and you will get one picture, put in official report and you will get another, but the way how he really lives is still unknown to us. It’s also cheaper and easier to find a really cute homeless guy than pay and train somebody to assume the identity.

    At least it’s a sign that social justice is trending in popular culture and not….something less demure. i don’t know if it’s a good sign It tastes like overpriced mouthwash and costs more than new tits and ass, so it won’t last long.

    VMA, EMMY are a PR stunts!

    Thanks Sister for exegesis! I’m waiting patiently in the line for next one.

  10. Lynne says:

    WTF Beyonce? Every critic was creaming their pants over that performance. I watched on youtube and I could not believe it was being claimed as the penultimate performance ever, anywhere. She is a gorgeous woman, and I believe she does have a reasonably good voice IF SHE EVER ACTUALLY SANG. I know I am officially old, because none of that shit was music to me.

  11. Tenley says:

    Thanks for the excellent exegesis. Trollop Beyoncé has been bested in sluttishness by that excruciatingly lewd ass twerker you-know-who. I’m so upset!

  12. Dj says:

    Brilliant as always sister..Tony Bennett said it all, today’s music is the worst he’s ever heard. To add to that, the vulgarity, self promotion, dearth of talent, ugliness, greed and devolving of a culture is evident in just about ever “act”. Hideous.

  13. helenwaite says:

    MINE in flames like burning crosses.
    Way to keep it highroad and classy.
    What the uck fevver

    Mostly I am grouchy at having paid click toll to search and watch this perfpormance since it was a topic here. Well, I could only be arsed to get through about halfway.
    You are so righy, SW – that it’s more like a buncha intro and no somg,

    Sidebar: How irrelevant are Video Mosic Awards these days!? And sponsored by a betwork that hardly plays music vidz at all any more.

  14. Braindance says:

    This breakdown of the soon to breakdown, gave me my first real chuckle of the day, thank you.

    Beyonce is a robot, soon to hit glitch town like many others before her

    Rita’s face says to me, “oh shit, is this really what I signed up for?”

    I will NEVER forgive Adam Levine for Moves like Jagger, fuck Jagger and fuck you Adam

    All of them can stay away from my children and I.
    Useless cunts who uphold a putrid delusion of free will and “entertainment”

    Rant over, please feel free to enjoy my offering of a palate cleanser:

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