I Am Risen


A few days ago, I got up from the deathbed of my flu to see about the sawing noise from my backyard.

A guy was building something right next to my fence, a wooden thing that towered around three or four feet above the six-foot fence.

As someone who has had enough of neighbors and their fucking fences or add-ons that block the sun like a nuclear winter, I was immediately incensed.

I demanded, “What are you doing?” in a hostile tone and the guy pretended not to speak English. Another guy who I couldn’t see also pretended to not speak English until I yelled, “I’ll bet this isn’t legal!”

The invisible guy asked me what my problem was, and the fact that he spoke English made me furious. He said something like, “What’s it to you?” My feeling was, I don’t want to see a thing towering over my fence because I just don’t, motherfucker! How dare you!

I issued some nebulous threats and stomped back inside. I was ready to kill. I nearly peed. I looked up the local building codes and found a complaint form and some phone numbers.

A couple of days later, still wearing the same smelly pajamas, I decided to go over there to get the address. A couple of people milling around refused to speak to me.

Then an old guy appeared and said, I’m the owner of this building, what’s the problem?

I told him that I was concerned about the huge shed he was building and he insisted it was nothing for me to worry about. He asked me if I wanted to go back and look at it.

We went back and I could see that he was adding on to a storage shed for one of his tenants, and we discussed the property line. He said he’d been there for 35 years, as if to say, Back off, newcomer. I retorted, “Well, my husband was born in this neighborhood, and he’s 65!” I felt an atavistic aggression coursing through my veins and I also felt like a big angry baby.

I said, “What are those nails sticking out for?” in an accusatory tone, and he explained that he was hoping to grow some beans but it didn’t work out.

Maybe it was the failed beans.

Something shifted in my deranged territorial psyche and I realized that he was just a human being living his life.

He assured me that he planned to paint the shed to make it look nicer. He told me that he came here from Cuba, where he was an accountant. He told me that he likes to build things. He revealed that he had gone to school with Fidel Castro and had fought along side him in the revolution. But of course the revolution tuned bad, so he had sent his wife and kids to Miami before fleeing for his life.

I asked him what he thought of Ted Cruz (hated him but likes Rubio) and we talked about our mutual contempt for Donald Trump. He’s a Republican like many exiles but it was all good. He showed me his mango trees and we shared our disappointment in our attempts to grow lemons.

His name is Felix and he’s 87 or 89, I forgot which. I apologized for getting off to a bad start with him. I said I’d enjoyed talking to him. He said something like, “Yes. I like to talk, sometimes too much!”

I turned around to look up at him and said, “Me too! But that makes the world go around. We need to communicate and connect!”

His smile was so unexpected, his first smile, and lit up his face like a happy child’s.

I went home and announced, “Well, I have a new best friend.”

I don’t want to lose my edge, okay? I still want to start fights and hold grudges. But people are starting to worry about me. This is the third time in the last year that I’ve laid down my arms, so to speak, and found something better.

It’s still Easter Sunday here in California. Maybe I’m Jesus!

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11 Responses to I Am Risen

  1. David Duff says:

    I love neighbour fights! Many years ago the prat who lived next to me lit a bonfire to burn his garden rubbish – on the first warm, sunny day of Spring when we had all the windows open – and the smoke engulfed our house. After an exchange which included a history of his genealogy matters reached an impasse.

    So then, I set up my garden hose which had one of those devices which sprays the water slowly back and forth in a wide arc. I altered the settings to send a fine stream right over the fence and straight onto his fire – military precision, you see, all those years in the army came good!

  2. Bessie the Cow says:


  3. Sister Wolf says:

    David Duff – You know, neighbor fights are a noble enterprise. I think my lesbians next door just wore me out.

  4. David Duff says:

    Sis, your last sentence just boggled my mind, I may have to go and lie down for a few minutes!

  5. Suspended says:

    A gift for Easter! Welcome back to the land of the living Sister xoxo

    I’ve been fortunate enough to live next to nice neighbours all my life but unfortunately I’ve always been near schools. I can often be found at my window when the home-time bell rings, cursing like a fucker at any idiot brave enough to park across my driveway.

    There’s one woman in particular, whose daughter happens to be in my kids class, whose sense of entitlement is larger than the moon. She parks there everyday, despite me tooting her several times to let me in or out of my driveway. I even mouthed the words “fucking arsehole” at her and still she acts dumb and unaware. Knowing how small and unimportant matters like this are only serve to make them worse in my mind. I tell myself to “let it go” before the stress gives me cancer but still I get mad at people’s lack of consideration.

    First world problems, I know.

  6. Sister Wolf says:

    David Duff – Hahaahahahahaha!

  7. Sister Wolf says:

    Suspended – Ok, no, this bitch needs to stop. Maybe some carefully places nails?

  8. Suspended says:

    Haha, Sister, I no longer wish to footle, just give me a fucking bazooka!

  9. Bevitron says:

    Nah, you’re not losing your edge, you’re just weeding out the garbage fights. I have faith that you’ll be ready, refreshed and extra-energized with the rage you would’ve wasted on a crap grudge, to take on somebody who’s maybe not just a garden-variety pain in the ass human living his/her life. Maybe a Super Asshole!

  10. Sister Wolf says:

    Bevitron – Oh thank you, I appreciate your confidence in me!

  11. Andra says:

    David, I can’t believe you’ve forgotten the Lesbian Stick story. It’s my very, very favourite Sister Wolf story.
    I can’t recall how many times I’ve forwarded it or printed it out to friends.
    Sis, maybe it’s time for a re-issue.

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