On my mental list of shit I wish I could buy, the most persistent craving is also the most inappropriate: leather shorts.
I can’t think of another fashion purchase that would be more inappropriate, except maybe a romper. (Sorry about the word “romper.”)
No one wants to see Grandma in leather shorts! Even though I’m not anyone’s grandma, I could be. And that alone makes it wrong. It doesn’t matter what kind of legs I have, it’s the mutton dressed as lamb thing. And yet, every time I see a nice pair of leather shorts, I get all excited and start clicking on sizes, as if I might actually buy them. The only person I can think of who should wear leather shorts is Queen Michelle. Otherwise, they are only suitable for prostitutes and Chloe Sevigny.
What is your current most inappropriate fashion craving? Don’t be shy: All confessions will result in immediate absolution!
A tutu/crinoline skirt (but that’s more like a permanent inappropriate fashion craving in my case, it has haunted me for the better part of a decade).
Leather shorts are tricky. I always have vague images of yodelling when I see them. The top ones are a bit too ‘bloomer’ ish for me; I prefer them tight and fetishistic (is that a word?)
I crave very tight, black leather pants.
I also have a strong urge to buy a tight black dress with leather arms.
Hmmm. There seems to be a common theme here.
Oh dear probably all the things I want or like are inappropriate. Technically in a legal sense – anyone over the age of 32 is potentially a grandmother!
Leather shorts always remind me of this friend of my mother’s, Suzanne, who was a maths teacher in a catholic boys school by day, and bondage mistress by night. She also had a saturday job in a really horrible boutique (this is in the 80s) called Anton’s where the uniform was leather hot pants. When she quit her job at Anton’s, she gave me the leather short shorts, for some unknown reason – even though I was about 12 years old, and thoroughly grossed out by the thought of wearing her skeevy sweaty old leather pants.
She also gave me a leather g-string, and a copy of that book “Sisters” so maybe I can see where she was trying to go with the shorts-giving, after all. I’d call that inappropriate.
Silver hold up leggings from James Lillis who runs a label called Black Milk.
They are so Barbarella it hurts.
He has a whole new collection coming out 1st April, and if the last collection was anything to go by, I shall be spending money I have not got like there’s no tomorrow.
denim underwear. denim thongs.
Well, technically, I AM grandma age!
Bloody hell, I probably exude ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ all the time but I don’t actually care. I do sometimes wonder if it’s inappropriate to wear some of the things I do, but then decide I genuinely don’t care.
Go forth and wear leather shorts Sister. If anyone has the attitude to carry them off then surely it’s you!
Oh, and I concluded I would have bought those leather granny pants if I had that blasted £80.
Can’t say I’m a fan of these shorts..but it seems they’re everywhere: http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/fashion/grand-prix-grid-girl-outfits-panned/story-e6frfn7i-1225845050902
You can wear anything you want, at any time you want.
If you wait about 2 minutes the leather shorts trend will be old, mainstream, and every mall kid will be wearing them. You will then not not want them anymore. But then again, if you feel them pulling you in, why not find a vintage pair (that’s how the trend started this time), and wear them around your house? The thing is, you really are not too old if it’s really you and you own it. But it REALLY has to be you.
I agree with Queen Michelle: you’d look great in them!
I like them too, but they’re just as inappropriate for me. Nothing like a widowed suburban soccer mom in leather short shorts.
Tank tops with arm holes that go to my waist so everyone can see the tattoos on my ribcage (not a cute look on anyone over a B-cup, which is me) also a tutu skirt, and stripper shoes. Lots of stripper shoes.
Gold lame leggings or silver leggings. Just cannot justify wearing them and they do not fit my style. I would feel like a weird, alien, hooker wearing them at my age.
Also anything sequined. I just don’t know why the shiny tacky of sequins calls to me like a fricken’ sea siren but they do. I just would never wear the actual item without feeling seedy and weird.
With both these inapproprate things….I find myself looking at sizes and putting item in internet buying cart at the site. I never click through the whole pay process but get up to the page where I am to enter credit card numbers before I come to my senses.
leopard skin or black leather micro minis, and stuff with fringing on – sort of Hooker Central meets Mummy relives her youth
Oh God, I’ve actually been wanting a romper. (Sorry about the word “romper”). I’ve also been wanting a corset, which is highly inappropriate because I’m barely a b-cup. Ok, I’m actually an a-cup, but I refuse to submit to my tiny tas, and buy b’s. Either way, I’d look ridiculous in one. In my defense, though, I don’t claim to have any fashion sense.
thank for the comment…my Jen Brill statement was pretty general don’t really want to be her, just noticed a lot of blogs feature her style…and thats what I was referring to . her style NOT her choice in men
great blog p.s.
xxx
bijouandruby
i don’t care what is age appropriate because anything is appropriate for me anyway as soon as i wear it. the mutton dressed as lamb thing doesn’t bother me either. rock those shorts, sister, you surely have the gorgeous legs and the right attitude to work them.
in german there’s a very mean saying that goes “von hinten lyceum – von vorne museum”. it very roughly translates into “rear’s fit for school – front’s like a ghoul”. now that’s a disturbing thought, so i usually ask myself if i belong in that category before i leave the house. if i don’t – fine. and if i do… well, it depends. usually i don’t care. but that’s just me.
rompers. and tent dresses. Both look shitty on me, but whatever.
I hate to admit that I am slowly warming up to “rompers” although that word is banned from my store. “One-Piece” is the preferred description.
I get vintage leather shorts in once in a while and girls go crazy over them!
Paneled leggings from Black Milk. I have zero business wearing them at my age. I have zero business wearing them at my height. Oooh, and the ribbon skirt from Norwegian Wood; it has no place on my currently expanding behind. It’s good to want things.
Please don’t hate me for pining after black jeggings with an ankle zipper. And a tutu skirt. If any of you ever see me wearing either item, you have permission to shoot on sight. No jury would convict.
I bet you pull off the leather short… BTW- I didn’t know you were in Venice. Surely you must see some leather short action and other “inappropriate” type fashion nearby, no? 😉
On my list of pseudo tacky inappropriate fashion items, BTW is this denim and plastic corset belt I picked up in Houston of all places. LOL I kind of love it but it makes people visibly cringe when they see me wearing it. I love that kind of reaction.
For me, I’m feeling surfer shorts and a neoprene top with my argyle socks and water shoes, a ticket out of my work cave and trip to the beach.
for you, Sister, forgive me, but I hate, HATE those shorts, not only because they’re leather but because they’re “poofy.” How about a pseudo-leather-skin-tight-to-the-knee skirt with the shoe/boots from yesterday’s post (only without the studded wedge and leather, but created from a metal type mesh with some cogs and wheels embedded here and there . . . steampunk type footwear, no? And then a black rose patterned, semi-circular lace petticoat (no front, just a back, and longer than the skirt) and a corset, with lots of gears, wheels, and cogs, and to finish up the look a Tuxedo Jacket with more cogs and wheels as adornment?
mini skirts without leggings
I like Queen Michelle’s attitude….
I want a dress with a big, poofy crinoline skirt for my wedding.
I found one on Ebay; the seller is based in China (I KNOW). It’s royal blue with silver embroidery. If there is nothing better than crinoline, it’s massive amounts of embroidery. I WANT THAT DRESS. Everyone will be hootin’ and hollerin’ at my wedding but I DO NOT CARE. That dress is so deliciously gaudy and my fiance will have to get over it.
Actually, when I showed him the picture, he said “That’s so you! It’s pretty!” But I’m sure that my family will never forgive me for buying it.
I’m wearing a cashmere turban with a giant sweater coat today. This lady I work with told me I look Grey Gardens today. Uhhh-Oh.
I understand the leather shorts. I opened your page and thought ” how cute” hard to pull off for sure. I bought a pair of vintage leather pants, 80’s style. Green, pleated high waist, kinda awful but i love them. I am going to pull them up to my knees and wear them with tank tops and sandals. It’s really bad. But good at the same time.
Also the inordinate amount of time i spend in thrift stores has left me fascinated with vests. I never wear them but I want them. I knew I had problems yesterday when I was eyeing a denim one.
Is an inappropriate craving a fashionable guilty pleasure? I like leather shorts. Too manly for leather hot granny panties. I would say my inappropriate craving is sneakers with long skirts and dresses. Ever since that Vogue editorial a few years ago I have been hooked.
JD
iplayfaves.blogspot.com
It’s starting to warm up, so I crave shorts. Not just leather, which would be a dreadful idea for me, but anything above the knee is guaranteed to make children run screaming… which, now I mention it, actually sounds like an idea I could get behind.
Hmm.
Thigh high boots.
Given the weather in L.A. and the size of my ass, these would undoubtedly make me look like an overheated street walker, but I want some. I really do.
I wear leather shorts in the winter, leather shorts are warm. With overknees, even warmer. The point is to get them size bigger and boyish and here you go, they can be even called cute. They take away 10 years of my face, so there is not age issue. Last week I fixed beige ones, cos I’m trendy like that.
My name is Hammie and I wore cool wool fine gaberdine “city shorts” in 1992.
Okay, now? I want to wear my taffetta strapless ball gown with a leather jacket as day wear – ala Lily Allen 4 years ago. I have the height but not the skin to get away with it.
And Kylie’s driving gloves from “I just can’t get you out of my head” video – everyday.
Sis – I’m really not sure about leather shorts, ever, in Venice. xx
Sister? If you do choose to go with a leather thong (or even panties) may I have it/them when the inevitable happens? I’m not truly into fashion – being from Arkansas – but I’m betting I’d be envied at the Sonic were my pickup’s rear-view to sport something other than dice.
I’m considering too, there’d be no more need for those styrofoam pine tree shaped airfresheners.
Liz!! I want to see that dress, can you send us a link?
As for fashion cravings I really want to wear a top hat with a veil that comes over my face and drapes down my back, – I’d spend all my time looking mysterious whilst flouncing about (I anticipate much flouncing).
Lov short shorts & “pouffy” short drindle skirts – always have, but that day has come & gone. Also really love sandals w/3,4,5″ heels with the above. In reallity I wear skirts, knit dresses & tees w/ flats. Kinda look like I walked out of Dick’s Sporting Goods most days. I’ve always wanted high heeled boots that are also pants – leather or suede – I think I could still wear these w/out creating too much of a stir.
Would you wear em if someone gave them to you as a present?
Sister, I cain’t imagine any kind of getup making you look bad. (I LOVE your shopping trip stories & the pictures! More pictures!) Wear the leathers.
I developed big knockers when I was 11 and didn’t get comfortable with them till way late – never put ’em on display when they were stareworthy, so now I’d go inappropriately for one of those Sophia Loren-ish waist-squeezing, boob-extruding outfits. Also, I’d like to wear a tuxedo and a top hat around, the whole Marlene Dietrich ensemble, for shopping, dentist, etc. Oh, purple suede over-the knee boots.
Cybill – here it is http://cgi.ebay.com/Blue-taffeta-Prom-Gown-evening-Dress-size-8-10-12-14-16_W0QQitemZ140333448233QQcmdZViewItemQQptZBridesmaid_Dress?hash=item20ac867c29
I know that everyone is going to say, “Are we at a wedding or a fucking quinceanera?” I personally do not give a shit! Look at all that embroidery!
I want to get hoops and rhinestone jewelry to wear with it. I know that people usually want you to class it up for weddings, but I’m tired of wearing a suit and being classy. Go big or go home is my motto for this wedding. If I wanted to go more crazy, I would find a Slavic folk dress. I am not joking. 😉
Still feeling hesitant though since A) Dress is from Ebay so there is no guarantee on the fit, and I will be angry if I need to send it back B) it’s ridiculously cheap + from China, and that combination always makes me anxious.
I want this short-sleeved suit. Where would I wear it? Nowhere. I still want it, though. I also want Thom Browne himself.
http://www.popculturepost.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/thom-browne-ss08-4.jpg
Sister Wolf,
I’ve “godammed” seen you in your bloody fucking skinny jeans (in pictures, not real life, but someday I hope to run into you at Nordstrom…), and if anyone was ever meant to wear leather shorts, it’s fucking you!! Go get some, go take some pictures, and then post them on this blog so that I can leave a fucking comment! Wear them over the skinny jeans, I don’t care. Just do it. Please?
Oh, I want a shrunken head necklace. That would be cool.
Liz!! I LOVE IT – you have to wear that and make sure there is a tiara (or two) involved, ooh and some silver shoes. Please keep us posted on what you do, please.
Dru – Seriously??
Cheraya – Yep, fetishistic is good. I want leather as well.
MAke Do – Are you making me a GREAT-grandmother?!?
Skye – Oh my!
Braindance – That shit is TOTALLY appropriate for you.
Denise – Hahahahhahaha!
andrea – It is me, 40 years ago.
Iheartfashion – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
AmandaMichelle – All worn together???
Brie – Oh god, sequins. ME too. It’s practically an illness.
Pudfish – Sex shop attire! Yes!
tobylinne – Oh, I want you to get a corset! You can get one with nice padded push up cups! See me after class.
bijouandruby – My comment was meant as a rebuke.
Stella Mayfair – I’m going to practice that German expression. xo
aimee-WTF – Wow, those are two extremes, aren’t they?
Iron CHic – Ooh I love you for banning the word! Do you have a sign that forbids usage??
Mars- I like them; not too hooker-ish.
arline – WOW. I like your tone of authority.
Queen Michelle – Only in my dreams, QM.
HelOnWHeels – It IS good, isn’t it!
Anne – The tutu is a surprise! The Jeggings are super-appropriate though.
dreamsequins – I like to make people cringe..I don’t like making myself cringe, though. I just gave away a nice shirt with puff sleeves that made me cringe.
Bessie – You need to get into fashion design. leave that farm!
Jill – Ooooooooooh! You whore!
WendyB – May I just say DUH?
Liz!! – Well, I’m on board for the dress!
Erika – Jesus, a denim vest?! My poor child. You are forgiven.
Joy d – sneakers with long dresses – ironic. Like with Docs, right?
Red Hel – A child once went past me in a grocery store and said to its dad, “Did you see the clown?” Hahahahaha! Seriously.
Alicia – just grow you feet and you can wear mine!
dust – I’m so jealous. Damn you.
Hammie – The dress and jacket would work for you. The gloves, might freak the kids out?
JK – You mean AFTER I’M DEAD?!? Okay, sure.
Cybill – I can see you flouncing in my mind’s eye.
Jenny DUnville – Boot-pants would be very sort of sci-fi but better than drindle skirts!
Question – Yes, yes I would. Are you my Fairy Godmother??
Bevitron – You could flounce around with Cybill!
Mark – It’s the Wanting that counts.
Lizzifer – Like a real shrunken head? Can’t you get one in Chinatown or somewhere? OR maybe Sea’s Mom has one on a belt!!!!!
Cybill – I love it too. LIZZ!! you should be the bride you want to be! Go big on this!
Liz, I think the dress is a winner, weddings are all about that glory dressing.
As I had a shotgun wedding, my choice was two chins, bingo wings, a purple sack cloth and DOUBLE strap Berkinstocks, purple of course. The shame
If I had my time all over again, your dress would look positively subdued next to the Gyspy influenced shizzle I have in mind
Sister Wolf, you are right, even mothers in the dirty thirty years should be allowed to dress like Bararella, todays the day I resume living the dream
Sister- it’s more like a lifetime craving, it feeds into a ballerina fantasy I had when I was 5 years old. Not even being told I’m too fat can put me off this one (and I’m now 25)!
I wonder how much I could charge?
Just looking at these shorts are making my vagina hot – and not in the good way!